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I can't deal with this anymore

I should preface this by saying I’m a sophomore in high school with DID and clinical depression.

I can’t deal with this anymore. The words are repeating in my mind, “you’re a failure of a human being” “you’re a selfish child” “you’re worthless” “you’re pudgy, lose your weight”. They may be from my mother, but now they’re ingrained in my being. I want to punch the mirror till I bleed every time I catch a glimpse of myself. Every time I look at my school work I feel like a failure if it’s not perfect.

I’ve done mistakes, I’ve done things my parents told me not to. I’ve been punished for them, but the words that are said stick with me. If I just listened to them all the time, I wouldn’t be the worthless, spiteful, failure I am now. If I just listened to them, I wouldn’t have depression over this and anxiety over a phone notification sound. If I just listened to them, I wouldn’t have so many restrictions on my devices.

If I just listened, I would be a good child.

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I’m so sorry you don’t seem to have anyone to encourage you, speak positivity into your life, to empathise with you —but feeling trapped with the harsh voice… I know how you feel. It is so much pain. You don’t need punishment, you need to be embraced and encouraged. You deserve that.

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You can safely tell that thing to shut up. It is not your conscience. Or your mother. It’s just a part of how some people experience depression and listening to it will not make you better, it will make you emotionally and morally worse as it grinds you into depressed meaty paste. I thought it was my conscience, I thought it was important, it wasn’t. It’s safe to throw away. Nobody I know of has gotten joy or anything helpful from this thing. It doesn’t even give constructive criticism. Just nastiness, hatred, and self loathing.

Actually getting rid of it requires some effort it’s rooted in deep enough that it’s accepted. I recommend interrupting it and telling it that it isn’t real until it goes away because even though the constant repetition and a fast response time takes practice, the voice doesn’t come back. (Even if it somehow does come back, it’ll easy to get rid of because the one you have now is established and new ones will be tiny.)

“You’re a Hey! You’re Hey! You’re Hey! LET ME FI-You aren’t even real.” <- Like that🙂