I cant do anything right at all

So i cant even have a relaxing weekend, and once again its all my FUCKING fault.

Last night there was torrential downpour in my area, and my dog came to me having to go outside, but she never wants to go out in torrential rain so i second guessed it like a fucking idiot because i was incredibly tired from my day, and SHUT MY DOOR (she needs it to tell me she has to go out) and fucking went to bed. IDIOT.

I wake up 20 mins ago to find out SHE PISSED A LAKE IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE. IN THE CARPET. THROUGH 2 LAYERS OF CARPET. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

My dads favorite carpet is fucked up, my dad is PISSED and when hes pissed we all become miserable (see the entire fucking holiday month where he tormented me because he hates his job!) AND NOW HES TAKING IT OUT ON THE FUCKING DOG. Im so fucking embarrassed and once again its all my fault.

Im going insane. I cant take this anymore. He has to go to work after this so hes going to be MEGA FUCKING ANGRY, and im going to get abused when he comes home. We all are. THIS IS MY FAULT. IM SO DONE WITH MYSELF. I was supposed to finally have the FUCKING balls today to talk to my friends after fucking MONTHS of a depressive episode in which ive been too scared to look at my fucking phone and hope that they magically DONT hate me and still wanna be friends with me! AND NOW THIS. FUCK ME. NO FRIENDS, NO CARING PARENTS, FUCK THIS.

The house is extremely small so it all smells like piss. Its all my fault and now my family will be miserable because of it. He is screaming at me. I know i had one job and i failed. I am so fucking stupid. I am SO FUCKING STUPID. All i had to do was be a good owner and i FUCKED it right in the ass JUST LIKE I DO WITH BEING A FRIEND, JUST LIKE I DO WITH BEING A DAUGHTER, AND EVERYTHING ELSE.

FUCK me. Im so close to giving up. I am SO close tp giving up. Life isnt worth it when i exist only to be lonely and be abused and its all my fault.

I literally just want to bow out of reality right now. No friends to talk to because i pushed them all away + now they might hate me so THATS exciting! Wowie! God i fucking hate myself and i cant take more fucking baggage. I ruined my own day by being a fucking absolute dumb piece of fucking shit and honestly i really want to die. If this is how my lifes gonna keep going, Im not doing another “push through” depression because the last 2 times that went miserably and I’d rather have been shot at point blank.

Sorry for editing this a million times but i have nowhere else to go and its like 5 am. Now he’s saying “YOU GUYS WANT A DOG BUT NOBODY PUTS IN THE FUCKING WORK” THE DOG IS 10 YEARS OLD. I HAVE TAKEN CARE OF HER AND HELICOPTERED HER HER ENTIRE LIFE. I MADE ONE MISTAKE, IM FUCKING SORRY!!! I DIDNT KNOW ITD RESULT IN A FUCKING LAKE OF DOG PISS ON OUR CARPET!!! THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!

Im so tired of existing. This is what my days consist of now I guess instead of conversing with friends and having fun.

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From: j71s8 (Discord)

Firstly, you’re loved! You matter! You’re cared for! Thank you for sharing your story. You are worthy of love and worthy of everything you need to be happy and everything more. One thing does not make you a failure. It is ok to have one thing happen. It is ok for things to not always be perfect (the dog not being walked that night). If you would see how my dog goes on the floor you would be shocked! That dog just likes the carpet. I want you to know you are so strong to have told us your story, you are so strong. You have not given up and you are not even near close, your story has just begun. You are worthy of life, love, and all these things because you are human! You are loved, you matter, and you are cared for greatly!

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Hello, I am sorry to hear that your dog peed all over the rug. My dog does that a lot too, sometimes all over the floor, and it smells disgusting. And I’m sorry that your dad got really upset about that, and yelled at you, but please keep in mind, you didn’t know that your dog would do that, so it is not your fault at all. Secondly, you do deserve to exist, maybe you don’t see that now, but I do, and so do others on here. if you didn’t make mistakes, or do anything wrong you wouldn’t even be considered human. It’s totally normal to mess up at times, I promise. Him being angry about having to go to work, and about the dog, is all him. Because those are his feelings, and you can’t control his feelings, and you are not responsible for them either. Only he is.
Lastly with your friends, I’ve had months when I needed to take breaks from social media due to my depression, so I did not text my friends at all. When I came back I told them why I had left, some of them understood, some not so much. And I’ll tell you the real ones will understand and support you. Plus there’s a difference between pushing them away, and taking some time for yourself. If they don’t understand, and accept why you left, then they are being selfish, and sad to say don’t exactly sound like real friends to me. Another thing, you aren’t alone, you have us, we will always try and understand you, and we will always be here for you no matter what you need. If you need advice, for us to listen, we can try and help.
And some final thoughts from me to you, I think you are worthy to be alive, why? because you being here now, and pushing through your depression, shows me that you are strong, and you can do this. I know how it sounds when they say that things will get better, I’ve heard it so many times, but as many times as its said, its true. Don’t base your worth off of faults that you make externally, instead see how many times you have pushed through dark days, see how many times you have made it through another day, that right there is just achievements in themselves. And I do know that where you are now, is not where you are going to be in 5 or 10 years.
I know I’m not the best at giving advice, but I hope that something I said helped you, and I hope that you realize that you are worth so much, and you do deserve to live, even if others or your depression, not you, your depression makes you think otherwise. I also get I’m just a stranger, but I do feel for you, and hope that you continue to live through this rocky journey of a life.
Please remember that we are all here for you, and just because you are struggling, and have made mistakes, doesn’t mean you are a failure.
-Amber :heart:

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