So i cant even have a relaxing weekend, and once again its all my FUCKING fault.
Last night there was torrential downpour in my area, and my dog came to me having to go outside, but she never wants to go out in torrential rain so i second guessed it like a fucking idiot because i was incredibly tired from my day, and SHUT MY DOOR (she needs it to tell me she has to go out) and fucking went to bed. IDIOT.
I wake up 20 mins ago to find out SHE PISSED A LAKE IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE. IN THE CARPET. THROUGH 2 LAYERS OF CARPET. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
My dads favorite carpet is fucked up, my dad is PISSED and when hes pissed we all become miserable (see the entire fucking holiday month where he tormented me because he hates his job!) AND NOW HES TAKING IT OUT ON THE FUCKING DOG. Im so fucking embarrassed and once again its all my fault.
Im going insane. I cant take this anymore. He has to go to work after this so hes going to be MEGA FUCKING ANGRY, and im going to get abused when he comes home. We all are. THIS IS MY FAULT. IM SO DONE WITH MYSELF. I was supposed to finally have the FUCKING balls today to talk to my friends after fucking MONTHS of a depressive episode in which ive been too scared to look at my fucking phone and hope that they magically DONT hate me and still wanna be friends with me! AND NOW THIS. FUCK ME. NO FRIENDS, NO CARING PARENTS, FUCK THIS.
The house is extremely small so it all smells like piss. Its all my fault and now my family will be miserable because of it. He is screaming at me. I know i had one job and i failed. I am so fucking stupid. I am SO FUCKING STUPID. All i had to do was be a good owner and i FUCKED it right in the ass JUST LIKE I DO WITH BEING A FRIEND, JUST LIKE I DO WITH BEING A DAUGHTER, AND EVERYTHING ELSE.
FUCK me. Im so close to giving up. I am SO close tp giving up. Life isnt worth it when i exist only to be lonely and be abused and its all my fault.
I literally just want to bow out of reality right now. No friends to talk to because i pushed them all away + now they might hate me so THATS exciting! Wowie! God i fucking hate myself and i cant take more fucking baggage. I ruined my own day by being a fucking absolute dumb piece of fucking shit and honestly i really want to die. If this is how my lifes gonna keep going, Im not doing another “push through” depression because the last 2 times that went miserably and I’d rather have been shot at point blank.
Sorry for editing this a million times but i have nowhere else to go and its like 5 am. Now he’s saying “YOU GUYS WANT A DOG BUT NOBODY PUTS IN THE FUCKING WORK” THE DOG IS 10 YEARS OLD. I HAVE TAKEN CARE OF HER AND HELICOPTERED HER HER ENTIRE LIFE. I MADE ONE MISTAKE, IM FUCKING SORRY!!! I DIDNT KNOW ITD RESULT IN A FUCKING LAKE OF DOG PISS ON OUR CARPET!!! THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!
Im so tired of existing. This is what my days consist of now I guess instead of conversing with friends and having fun.