today im at my dads my step mom jen said i needed to clean my room the bathroom and i need to exercise.i have been really depressed latly last week i olmost killd myslef because my dad said i was selfish for not caring if jen had covid even tho i never said that.and these feelings where so so intence like nothing i ever felt before and i told my mom but her life has been very stressfull so she was having a hard time with consoling me.and ii just felt so alone.but anyway back to today i rwas really tired today and i just felt sick but i didnt want to say anything because she would just tell dad and he would get mad at me so i did clean my room and the bathroom but when it got to exersising i really just felt terrible jen and dad where arguing about scheduals and stuff and he was calling jen selfish and it was such a stupid fight and it mad me really scared because for exercise i was going to ask my mom to pick me up to go skate at her place but she wasnt answering my text cuz she was having lunch with her mother.so jen after telling me what are going to do for exercise she finally came in my room and said its tiiimmeee all anoying and so i went down and i was already upset cuz they where fighting and i also just felt terrible.so iwent on the stationary bike and i started working out for like five mins and then my dad came downstairs to check if i was actually was working out and he got mad and said a bunch of stuff like you need to go harrrdddd right after i was just standing up on the bike for like 5 mins but when he was coming downstairs i was sitting down cuz i was tired and he was like i dont trust you and your not sweating! but it had been like five minutes but it is like 45 degresse in our base ment and i had been down there for like 10 mins and i was only bicking for 5 thats what i told him but he was like its not about time its about you actually trying and that logic is so stupid so he went back upstairs after gong back in fourth for like 5 mins then jen came down stairs cuz dad lied to her (i didnt hear it but) he probs said he was just going so slow and watching anime.so jen was there and she said why arent you trying this is about your health and i said that yelling at me and stuff isnt going to influence me to do this in the future and she didnt respond cuz she was yelling we are trying to take care of youuuu so she left then by that time i was already having a panic attack because this was just to ,much for me with everything else that is going on in my life. so i was still biking while standing up and i was really angry and i was going really fast and i was for like 2o mins so i thought it would be okay if i went up but dad was like no ur not sweaty and i told him no so then he threatened to ground me so i went back down after both of them yelling at me so confused why i didn’t care about myself even though they know i have depression and i don’t like living at there house cuz apparently i make it painfully obvious.so i went back down and im texting my mom and biking and i’m still not sweating and btw i’m still having a panic attack and im biking for like thirty moons of and on and i’m not noticeably sweaty so i just used my tears and made like sweat marks on my shirt and my face and then i went back upstairs and i asked jen if that was okay and she said all cheerful oh yeah that’s fine whenever you feel you did enough you are okay to come up even though EARLIER I WAS LIKE IM DONE THEY YELLED AT ME FOR 10 MINS and so ig that means i can come up when i think they are ready for my dumbass.
I can tell you dad is definitely an idiot. That is all I can really say. This makes me feel angry to read thatn anybody is treating you like that!!!
I decided to show you the lyrics to a song that my best freind wrote though, because it made me inspired for hope.
so here is the lyrics:
Night sky and the stars shine bright,
moonlight, behind the clouds,
I’m standing in the middle of the street,
with hope that someday this’ll be over,
Chorus
Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel,
and however long it might be, I will see the night sky again.
Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?
V2:
Sunset as it leaves again,
cycles, there is no end.
Yet still, I dont dream of giving up.
cause I know that someday this will be over,
Chorus
Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel,
and however long it might be, I will see the night sky again.
Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?
Chorus & Key Change
Because I know there is light at the end of this tunnel,
and however long it might be, I will see the night sky again.
Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?
Locked away in a cage for months,
no escape just counting the seconds as they go by.
Stranded in a room, running out of food,
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?
will it ever be the same? will I see the night sky again?
(In my opinion, since you are strong and keep holding on, and keep climbing that vast and terrible mountain which is life, you will “see the night sky again.”)
Hey @fynn
Thank you for sharing this here. It sounds like you were trying to do what was asked of you even though you’ve been carrying a lot lately but your dad and step mom didn’t recognize your efforts. Not to mention the stress and anxiety that it caused to the point where you had a panic attack all the while still trying to meet their standards.
Know that regardless of how they viewed your efforts, you were doing the best you could and you most certainly are not a dumbass. It sounds like although they are aware you struggle with depression, they are not sensitive to it and I am sorry that has been your reality. That is so hard to try and push through and honor parents all while you’re just trying to make it through the day. You are very strong for pushing through and continuing to fight. Although you cannot control what your parents think or the words they say to you, you can control your actions still. By that I mean, try to remember that you are doing the best you can. You are carrying a lot right now and no matter how little they say you are doing, you can know that you are truly doing your best. I know it’s easier said than done especially when you have someone yelling at you to do better or work harder, but try and be gentle with yourself friend. We hear you, we see your frustrations and we care about you so very much.
Hold fast, we believe in you,
Hannah Rhodes
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