I was unable to do a test because i didn’t understand any of the questions, therefore failing even more in a class i’m already doing very badly. I feel like shit because I just want to be able to finish school with good grades but at this point I will be stuck here forever. I have a stupid learning disorder because some drunk decided to hit me head on when i was a kid. I wish i just died then and everything that happened to me later wouldn’t have happened. I’ve almost died more then 3 times and I don’t know why I’m still here. I always have those times where I think i will get through this and then it’s all ruined because i can’t do something that would help me even do basic tasks.
If i died back then I wouldn’t have had to go through cancer which caused me severe ptsd and i can barely even funtion mentioning it or anything medical. The panic attacks get so bad that i almost piss myself or pass out. If i died back then, a nurse wouldn’t have almost killed me by putting too much sodium in my IV, causing my liver to get fucked. If i had died back then, my mom wouldn’t have had to go through being a single parent, abusing me to the point where i thought i wanted to kill her and i had to leave home. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t have to think about my mom being dead. or have dreams about her every night, and waking up thinkkng she’s still alive. If i had died back then, my dad would still have a baseball career, he woulld still have his money that he saved up for his retirement instead of fighting for custody of me. If i had died back then, I wouldn’t have had to watch my mom die. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t be abused mentally by my dad. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t have been hit by my boyfriend for being annoying. If i had died back then, my sister wouldn’t have bullied me. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t have been bullied at school. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t have been given to different people when my mom was in alcoholic remission. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t be scared to die, or who would hurt me, i wouldn’t have been encountered by pedophiles at the age of 12, unknowing why i had to much people interested in me. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t have to fail during school. If i had died back then, i wouldn’t have to worry whether our stuff will get thrown out in storage because we can’t pay it. If i had died back then, my dad would still have a nice home, instead of being evicted for not paying rent. If i had died back then, my dad wouldn’t have had to pay for presents we never received. If i had died back then, i never would have ruined my friend’s life. If i had died back then, my boyfriend would have a career in the army instead of being depressed.
I don’t know why i even bother anymore. every time i think about it, there is always a reason i should be dead. I can’t seem to functiion in daily life, i always need help, i can’t survive on my own. What’s the point of me? i don’t know. i’m just a mat to be walked all over, not meant to do anything else
I want to start by saying I am so sorry that you have had to go through so much and all of it extremely difficult. I do want to say that I am glad that you didn’t die any of those 3 times because you are so valuable and deserving of unconditional love and happiness and I know that things are so painful and hard right now but I promise nothing stays the same forever. I can’t tell you when things will get better because it could be a few days or a few years. I’m rooting for you and I sincerely hope you find happiness and love.
deserving of love? my entire life nobody has given me a single care and i’m just treated as something to be thrown away or used. it’s been painful my entire life and it doesn’t ever stop. i just want to be in a situation where i don’t have to worry about anything. everyone has said the same thing my entire life and i’m tired of it
I am sorry that you have never experienced care or unconditional love but that doesn’t make you any less valuable and I’m sorry if thats redundant but its the truth. maybe sometime in the future you will have less stress and things to worry about but either way I really do hope you get through this
not understanding the questions on an exam in a class you’re doing bad in is honestly such an awful feeling. I feel like exams do a really good job at making you feel even worse about yourself, at least that’s what they did for me.
are you in high school or college?
honestly, college is super difficult. maybe it’s not that hard for some people, but it sure was for me. and the fact that you’re going for it while at the same time having to deal with all this trauma and panic attacks and everything like, that’s seriously a lot at once.
seems like you’ve had some pretty bad luck with all the people in your life. good people do exist though, and i hope you can find them. maybe you could try finding some people in your class to study with? i mean, easier said than done but i dunno.
dang that’s rough. i guess some people prefer online school but i feel like the thing that made college a bit more bearable for me was to meet other people to study with. it’s a lot to go at it alone, especially when you’re also having to deal with all this personal stuff by yourself too. you’re doing a lot, and i hope you know it’s ok to take a break if you feel like you need it
i took a break in the summer because i was really depressed, it didn’t do much for me because i wasn’t doing anything, it really only made things worse if i’m not doing something all the time
ooh yeah that makes sense. well i think it’s great that you recognize you need to be doing something. it’s good to have self awareness like that.
i never truly felt relaxed while i was in school since it seems like the work is never ending, but are there things that you enjoy doing that could help ease some of your stress? something like playing an instrument or reading? for me it was video games. i think because it made it easier to just focus on the present moment for a little while. and also i would play easy video games so it made me feel like i wasn’t completely awful at everything
you said that you can’t seem to function, always need help, and can’t survive on your own. i want you to know that that’s ok, especially since you’ve had so many awful things happen to you in your life. try to focus on the things you do well, even if they seem small and stupid for now. something that can help is to write down every day 1 or 2 things you did well that day. it might be hard to think of stuff, but even starting with “day 1: read a paragraph out of my text book” is great. it takes a lot of days of trying to recognize the things you do well, but eventually you’ll get better at it and see that you can do things. idk i know it sounds kinda dumb but it doesn’t hurt to try right?
