For some reasons, Im choosing to post this on a different account than my normal one.
I just can’t do this anymore. My life is shambles, Im constantly fighting my own mind and I end up only making things worse. I feel like everyone is leaving me or I am pushing them away so that they do leave me. I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline and this has hit me really hard despite knowing it was very probable. I feel like it makes me less of a person, less of an attractive person and human being cause I can’t function normally. I see how volatile I am with my feelings and how illogical it is, but I can’t do anything about it. I just end up watching myself from the sidelines, fully aware of how much I am fucking things up, but unable to controll it.
I struggle with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis now and I need to find something to hold me back but I used to put that on other people. Long story short, that didn’t work out. I don’t want to be so dependant on others for a sense of calm. But I feel like I have no value without others.
Having said that, no matter what my friends or loved ones say, I can’t believe them. I just can’t, cause they are all going to hurt me in the end so why believe them? I just want to stop feeling like this and the only option I see is killing myself. Yes it is selfish, but I need to be. All I care about is others, it is time I focus on me. I can’t hold on like this any longer.
I almost tried to hurt myself today, I got close to actually trying to kill myself. I was within reach of it. It has happened once before and I had a friend talk me down. I just don’t see any other option. Everything else is so painful. I don’t know what to do and I feel so lost and helpless in face of everything.
Thank you for reaching out. I understand what it can feel like - being freshly diagnosed with a disorder and feeling like an outcast because of it. However, this is simply untrue, and the feelings are completely misleading. Everyone struggles with something. Everyone. Some people are just better at hiding it than others. This has helped me push through difficult times, by reminding myself that I’m not alone in the fight, and that there are people who will run up alongside me and cheer me on. We’re here to cheer you on!
Unfortunately people aren’t perfect, and some are bound to unintentionally hurt you, but that doesn’t make them untrustworthy people. I would recommend to give them a shot and to trust them unless they’ve given you a very clear and defining reason NOT to trust them. Especially if they’re giving words of life and affirmation - believe them, and believe their words.
The following has helped me when I was hanging on by a thread, and I hope it helps you too: because I truly care about my friends and family, the last thing I would want to do is to inflict pain in their hearts for the rest of their lives by eliminating myself. I would rather fight back against my demons than to release them onto other people.
We deeply care for you and we want to see you win this. And you WILL. You’re strong. Hold fast. We believe in you! Please keep us updated.
Sorry you’re going through this and borderline’s hitting you so hard. It’s painful when the solution is nowhere in sight, but there’s always something that can be done.
We’ll be with you through this. You’re no less of a human being than anyone here.
Since you mention not knowing what to do, I will make a suggestion. There is a type of therapy called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that was specifically developed for helping people with Borderline PD. It focuses on tools to tolerate distress and regulate emotion, skills for dealing with people, and mindfulness to be aware of what you are thinking and feeling. I have suicidal thoughts and I found it really useful, actually the first of my many tries at therapy to seem like it was measurably having an effect.
It’s not magic and it doesn’t make everything ‘better’ but it gave me some ways to deal with my inner chaos. It might be worth looking into at least. If you want to ask me questions privately go ahead and send me a message, I will do my best to answer them.
Hey @Reverence , you’re loved.
Here is the response from our Twitch stream. Keep fighting. You’re worth it.