I can't do this, there is only one way and you hate that way, please help

Oh well. This is probably my most idiotic post I’ve made but I’ll put it back up and have it here. After all, stupid me hasn’t said a word for 30 days. So I might as will say something. Here it is. <3 Also, probably trigger warning, I probably have a triggering life… :mango: Also, just so you know, and I’ve already said it before, talking to my parents about it is a death sentence worse than death.

Yes. I get it. I screwed up. I may have spent most of last month on failed paralysis, failed suicide, but I promise you: it’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about. Swix is still running horrid in my mind but I don’t care. I’ve built a tolerance to the pain. I barely even notice until after it finishes. I’m safe. I’m physically incapable of doing the ending deed which agitates me but at least makes your happy. I’m mad. Why am I so weak to the point where I can’t do something life changing-- for the better— to my body? I need the paralysis but no matter my hopes, no matter my attempts, I fail. How do I get stronger? How to I push my body into places it wont go and then break some of my bones? Rip my joints to shreds. I don’t dislike the physical pain. I need it. Because the emotional pain would subside. And once that ends I wouldn’t have to worry about myself. I would be able to do what matters. Fully focusing on loving another, helping another, caring for another, not being the selfless, ruthless piece of crap I already act like. I wish I could do it. But you don’t want me to get better. You want to find an alternative, non pain inflicting methods. But let me give it to you straight. There is no other way. I’ve already tried them. Please help. And you know what I mean. And then there’s this girl I like but I won’t even bother because I think she’s gay.

7 Likes

@Swix, I know you’ve deleted this message, but I wanted to thank you for giving some updates here. It is such a relief even though it seems that you are going through a rough time. I hope you know that this place remains a safe one to you and you have been missed.

We’re here for you, friend.

You’re loved so freaking much.

4 Likes

Just to add a little more, since your topic is visible now: you are not stupid at all for not talking for a month. There is no obligation for it, and I understand that while going through such a rough time it gets pretty hard to reach out without feeling ashamed or guilty. Sometimes knowing that we have a real support and love available for us just hurts. So, always do at your own pace. But know that we’ll always be grateful for having news from you also, and you will always be welcomed with open arms here.

You want to find an alternative, non pain inflicting methods. But let me give it to you straight. There is no other way. I’ve already tried them.

Let’s get into this. What did you try before? Why didn’t it work, according to you? Please share it all. Make a list if that is needed. Take your time. Discussing this in depth is worth it, and so important. I don’t want to overwhelm you, but since you are here and opening up about all of this, then I’d like to think that there is a part of you that is willing to talk and weigh your options, even if it feels like a tunnel with only one end in sight.

I’m sending hugs your way, if that is okay. :hrtlegolove:

5 Likes

another way to look at this is: Why, in the height of my tries to do it, is my mind still so strong and resilient that it resists all the fake belief that this is for my own good? That you couldn’t do it could be interpreted as there being a part of you that is still willing to keep trying, that thinks things can get better.

is the emotional pain preventing you from doing this?
Do you think if you were paralysed, that all your emotions would suddenly be positive and hopeful? Do you not think there would be a whole new set of emotions that you currently don’t experience - inability to do things for yourself, helplessness, phantom sensations?

I’m super glad that you came back and posted here. We all love you and wish we could our best to help you through this.

That last line is interesting! Can she become a platonic friend? Or are your romantic feelings too strong to try to just be a friend to her?

5 Likes

@Swix

So first off I am so sorry that these thoughts are so strong for you. I know that it is a deep issue and runs deep for you. Personally I get it and there is nothing to be ashamed of for needing that help. You are deserving to know that you are heard. Something that I want to say is that for me it wasnt about solving something for someone else but because I wanted to push everything of mine out of the way to help others. I would literally fight for someone else over myself and it sounds like that is a situation here.

Can I ask is there a specific person you are trying to be there for? If so what is it that makes you believe that they are worth doing all that effort for and yet not give that to yourself? I know personally that I have had to fight to say hey ya there is only so much left but wait you deserve this too. Perhaps something that could help is to give yourself time to find what do you like about you? What is it that strives you to be who you are?

I do not think this is an idiotic post and I do not feel like it is stupid to share what is going on. I will say that I am glad and proud that you did share this. Just know that how you feel is valid and super important to the well being of you.

I also think that some important aspects of my own life have been find that inner self that part of me that is my core strengths my core beliefs. Perhaps spending time finding them can help.

Ya we all say you do not deserve to hurt yourself and or dont deserve pain but in the end the option or choices are yours. We care deeply.

Hold fast
Ash

6 Likes

Hi Swix
I dont think your post is not stupid the apposite really. There is a lot of sorrow and anger in it. Those feelings are very strong within you and the need a outlet. You must be in a lot of pain. Sometimes we want to hurt ourselves so others can see that we are in pain because they cant see the pain within us, because there is no bleeding and no makrs. I get it i truly do but please dont try to paralyse yourself. It will only bring you more pain. It wount make the pain in your head go away it will just make it stop for a while but then it will come back even stronger. The worst of all is that eventually the physical pain will be contributing to the psychical one and the other way around. It is only a way to more pain and little relief.

I know you are hurting. I know people dont seem to acknowlege it and you want the pain to stop and you want help and support so desperately. I am so sorry. It is unfair and wrong that you have to suffer like that. You parents might not understand but I think now after what you did they must know that something is wrong and that you need help.Trust me I am not happy that you are suffering but I am glad that you are not permanantely paralyzed because that would cause you even more pain. I want you to be better and in less pain and so do others here. No matter what Swix we will be here for you.

Also Swix you said that you cant feel better without inflicting physical pain to yourself so tell me have you tried it in a healthy way? Running, excerciseing, maybe some martial sports. These can be all a source of relief for you wchich are painful but also healthy. I hope you can find the strenght to get up from that terrible place you are in. Remember Swix we will be here when you need us. Hand tight. :wink:

6 Likes

Hi Swix,

I am very sorry that you are going through this and feeling like you are a bad person. You’re not stupid, you’re not bad, you’re not a person with only bad qualities. We’re all humans and we’ve always done something that we’re not so happy about. We’re all humans and we all have our own defects. It’s time that things start to change for you.

Non pain inflicting methods are what are going to stop your pain. that’s why they are non pain inflicting. If they didn’t work for you, then it’s time to discover more on what you can do to overcome this. A method doesn’t necessarily have to be related with what you’re going through. Maybe just try to find something that makes you happy, that makes your brain work and wind off. I believe a lot in hobbies as they personally have helped me a lot. Try talking to someone you believe they will listen such as a therapist or just someone you know.

I’ll end this reply by circling back to what I said in the start. You’re not stupid, you’re not a bad person, you’re not weak but you are loved and you do matter.
:hrtlegolove:
SuchBlue

6 Likes

Hey friend.

Can you imagine what life looks like without the emotional pain? Do you see a clear correlation between debilitating injury and emotional freedom? I understand you are in a lot of emotional pain right now, and what I’m hearing is you believe that removing the obligation to function physically will allow you more space to be emotionally present. I want you to imagine yourself in a wheelchair though. Do you see yourself happy, or do you just wish and hope it will be that way?

My take on the matter is that paralysis and self-inflicted disability don’t happen on your terms. You don’t get to dictate what life with paralysis is like. You may be in excruciating physical pain all the time–the pain of your nerves misfiring, which can be worse than any self-inflicted pain that you can master and control. I don’t know how much bodily function you want to lose, but any drastic actions may give you more than you bargained for. What would life be if you couldn’t use your arms? Couldn’t talk, chew, or swallow? Is that a pain-free life of being able to minister to others? How happy will you be if you lose the autonomy to do things like use the restroom or grab a snack by yourself? Anything that doesn’t go according to plan can go horribly wrong, and there are no takebacks or do-overs. Paralysis isn’t living life on your terms, it’s living a life with fewer things you have control over.

Part of what is so great about this forum is it allows us to do exactly this. Many, or maybe most of us are focusing on helping others so that we can escape from our own demons for awhile. We want you to get better, because anyone we can help to heal gives us hope that one day we might heal too. It’s inspiring to see healing taking place. Maybe you’re not in a place where you’re able to be healed, but you can always be in a place to love others and find purpose–and even joy–in that.

Sure, it’s so easy for us to tell you that the things you want aren’t the right answers. It sounds so trite. But I want you to envision what life looks like after catastrophic self-inflicted injuries, and honestly ask yourself where the joy is–not just where the pain isn’t. Then I want you to consider what you can do for others now. Surely you don’t want people to suffer the way you suffer, right? How would it feel to meet them where they are, understanding exactly what they’re saying, and advising them on how you wish things had gone in your life? You have that opportunity right here on the Wall. You don’t have to like what we have to say–after all, we aren’t in your life and can only guess at what’s really going on–but think about what you’d want for someone who was saying the exact same things you are, and stay for them. :hrtlegolove:

6 Likes

Sorry just neglect everything I’ve said I cannot think right now

4 Likes

take your time to process the feelings and thoughts. We’re here for you, even if to just sit with you while you work it out. Here to help if you need, here to be quiet and let you know we care if that’s what you need too :slight_smile:

4 Likes

Love you @Swix. Take your time, always. We’re not moving. Here for you.

It’s already amazing that you try. That alone is a success. :heart:

4 Likes

We are here for you Swix. Take all the time you need. You are loved and cared for here. :wink:

4 Likes

There was a talk tonight. It was about someone we knew, their brother passed away. I didn’t bring anything about me up. Long story short, I’m not coming here anymore. Thanks for everything <3

2 Likes

We’ll always be here for you @Swix

Not sure of the context of that person’s loss, but your pain is still valid and we still have our attention for you, and to support you.

You’re a very special part of this community. I really really hope that you believe that.

2 Likes

Take care @Swix. It’s all that matters. The door here is always open.

1 Like