I can't feel love

Lately I’ve been worried that I’m not capable of love.

Last year I lost my mentor suddenly in a motorcycle accident. Right at the same time, while I was at the funeral, I also lost my closest friend. It wasn’t because the friend passed away, but because he did sometime incredibly hurtful and cruel. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him. To be honest, I want to un-know him.

Now, I find that I don’t attach to people like I used to. I’ve met some great people, even someone that checks all my boxes romantically, but I don’t feel anything.
I don’t feel anything about anyone or anything. I’m not trying to not feel anything, I just don’t.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the kind of person I used to be, easily attaching to new people. All of this makes me wonder what that says about my future; what it says about the kind of person I’ve become.

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You’re just tired. Tired of giving your hopes up to people and them leaving whether it be by passing or turning out toxic. You sound like you need a break from the world and to cope with that your emotions have turned off. This doesn’t mean you will never feel again, it just means you want to stop feeling the swarm of this chaos, as turning emotions off can help alot with staying detached from toxic people or bad memories in general. I think all you need is a break from others and to focus on yourself. Then things can get better once you’re ready to face it. Wish you well.
-X

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Hey Meg!

My name is Sarah and I saw your post and decided to talk about it on HeartSupport’s Twitch channel. Here was my response to your post! Let me know what you think!

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Hey @Meg,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and share your heart here. :hrtlegolove:

I’m so very for your losses. Processing losses in our life, especially ones that were unexpected or happened with a lot of pain, can be a long and difficult process for many of us. Grief is like this storm that regularly show itself through unexpected and brutal waves. What you said about your friend as well, this wish that you could just “un-know” him, makes sense too. If only that would be possible, it would be a way to solve this problem of feeling stuck in pain and resentment. It’s okay though if you don’t know yet if you’ll ever be able to forget him. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. But one way or another, you will manage to find some peace again, which doesn’t mean you would forget or dismiss what happened, but that you will learn to leave it where it belongs in the past, so it doesn’t interfere with your life in the present.

Your trust has been shaken in many ways. Not only the trust you had for this friend, but also in life itself by losing your mentor as well. After losing people I love in a brutal way as well, I’ve felt like losing faith. And, honestly, a part of my soul was just numb. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that life could be filled with so much injustice and wrong behaviors. Because not only grief was about losing a part of my world and learning to compose with this emptiness, but it was more than anything else about learning with a deep feeling of injustice that I could feel in my core. And when our soul is wounded, our mind can develop many mechanisms to make sure we still handle the reality we live in, whether it’s through avoidance behaviors… or even numbness.

I believe what you describe, the way you feel, makes absolute sense. We’re human beings. We need time to process hurtful events in our life, even if time has passed and even if we expected to “be over it” sooner. Feeling detached, seeing yourself having less feelings, or empathy, or attachment to people, makes sense with what you’ve been through. You are capable of love, friend. But you are also going through a difficult time, and maybe now is only the moment you really start to acknowledge how all of what happened is making you feel, how it has impacted you.

Since last year, did you have the opportunity to talk about how you feel? To name your emotions? To be connected with yourself? If you didn’t have the possibility, I’d encourage you to try to make sure to have moments for yourself during which you can try to identify how you feel, to name it, describe it, and even eventually se how it manifests itself within your body. If doing this is scary or a little bit foggy though, it might be good to give it a try with a counselor/therapist as well. Having a safe space where you can dig a little bit in yourself and express yourself can be very beneficial. You are still feeling emotions, and love. You are not an empty shell. But there might be some disconnection between the manifestation of your emotions, and your capacity to be in tune with them.

You are not doomed to be stuck with this feeling of numbness. There are people and/or services out there that can help you to learn, in a gentle way, to open some doors that might have been closed when you needed it. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Consider eventually to let yourself inspired by mindfulness practices as well. With time, you will be able to feel whole again. :hrtlegolove:

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This is lovely. Thank you.

Sarah, Thank you for saying that it’s ok to feel this way and that it’s ok to establish boundaries. I really needed to hear that.

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