So to start, I have graduated college with a degree that I got in a field that I didn’t even know if I would be interested in because I had no idea what I wanted to do. I went to college more because my family told me I had to and less because I had a clear direction in mind. Now I’m in massive debt, I wasnt able to get a job in my field when I graduated and now I work at a really awful job that I hate but it’s the only one that pays me enough. I can barely afford rent, my car, my car insurance, my phone bills, everything has become such a struggle and the things I used to enjoy mean nothing to me anymore. My anxiety and intrusive thoughts make every small step I try to make in the right direction feel worthless and I’ve been distancing myself from my friends and family because I dont want to affect them with my toxic attitude, I feel like everyone I meet hates me and I wouldnt blame them because I hate myself the most. I know I dont deserve to be anyone’s friend and always assume if someone is hanging out with me they have some ulterior motive. I know this isnt always the case but the paranoia that it might be always keeps me on edge. I know I need help but I dont have the money to get help and I honestly feel like it would be a waste of time. I think of killing myself everyday and once I was able to fight off those thoughts but now my resilience to them has gotten weaker and weaker and I’m scared one day I might actually do it and that terrifies me, but the way things are going I dont see any other way out. I dont know why I’m even typing this, as a stranger you cant possibly know me truly. I keep finding new things about myself everyday that I hate and I just want it all to stop.
I’m sure I could sit here and find a million things to share in connection with your story. My experience, guidance, recommendations, etc.
I’ll hit on the two things that stand out to me the most “I can’t find peace” and “I’m better off dead”
These two statements have spent a lot of time floating around my mind and professing out of my mouth in my own persuit of happiness. First and foremost you are not better off dead. I will sit down and tell anyone in this world that. We are all equally important in this world and you are no less. Wether you want to believe that or not, I can’t make you choose, but I am wholeheartedly telling you that this world is a better place with you in it.
Mental health is not a clear path straight to the top. Sometimes we need to take two steps back in order to find the right path. A path that works for us, not someone else. I spent over three years doing everything I possibly knew to do to help with finding the peace in my life I didn’t think existed. I was seeing a counselor twice a week for over a year, I tried learning new hobbies to acquire coping skills. Learned to play the guitar, learned to ride a motorcycle (something I’ve wanted to do my whole life), hell I even volunteered my time to community events. I tried medication, talking to friends, meditation, reading every book I was recommended to me that could help. I became sober (I’m just over a year now). Finally, I got the break I needed. That break was that I ended up in two weeks of inpatient treatment. What I’m getting at is it may not be the first, second, or third thing you try, but you have to keep seeking that for yourself. An important part of improving our mental health is that we have to want and work for it ourselves. You need to make that your number one priority.
For me, I discovered what worked for me in finding peace was where my mind was. Peace, love, and joy for me was just a mindset. A choice. I wake up everyday and have a choice. Some days the choice is harder than others, and with time it became easier for me to choose peace and happiness. I came to learn that all the love and happiness I could ever need in life is already inside of me, I just didn’t have the right perspective.
I hope you find your peace, and I’m willing to help in anyway I can. Thank you for reaching out. The hardest part is admitting that we have a problem to others and in this case complete strangers. You are stronger than you think you are.
Hold fast , Zach
I certainly can understand how being in a field you aren’t passionate about can be depressing. My boyfriend is currently struggling with this. He went to school for something he loved and was passionate about and then didn’t get to even work in that field. He was moved away from home and away from all of the connections he had and to a place where he didn’t know anyone and didn’t have the same connections for him. It’s really caused him to feel a little sad and disappointed. It’s been sad watching him slip away from it.
Like you now he’s kinda stuck having to find work and in a place he doesn’t really care about. But, as hard as it is we have to start somewhere. Bills have to be paid and things have to get done. So for now we just have to kinda accept that we may need to be somewhere we don’t want to be. However, that doesn’t mean you have to stay there. It just means that you gotta start working towards finding something you do love or keep looking in the current field till something pops up. A lot of my friends are stuck in this situation.
It’s the only thing we can do. You know? If you let it defeat you, you’ll stay unhappy and miserable. So start writing down what you would like to do. Write down some things you enjoy doing and then things that you could do involving those things. And then write down what you could to do to try to make that happen. It might mean you have to work 2-3 jobs for a while. It might mean you have to work for it and do things you’re uncomfortable doing but it will be temporary.
A friend of mine has a dream of doing one thing but it’s not easily achieved so she’s currently working 3 jobs right now. But one of those jobs is doing something and working towards what she loves. It’s a lot of work, it’s tiring but it’s going to be so worth it.
My boyfriend probably will have to find something else. And that’s been hard. But surely there is something out there that he can love and be passionate about. He’s just gotta find that thing and work on it. You know?
You say you have a toxic attitude and you don’t want it to affect your friends and loved ones. So it sounds like you’re aware that you may need to work on your attitude. Which for me, was one of the most difficult and challenging things I had to work on. It can be difficult admitting to yourself that you need a change in the way you think. But attitude is everything my friend. It truly is. It can make or break your happiness and success. It can be trapping or freeing. And it’s on us to decide how we want it to be.
I often feel like people don’t like me. I worry and stress about it. But again like attitude, we can’t lock ourselves in a negative way of thinking. It’s trapping and miserable. If we go around dwelling in thoughts that people hate us we are not going to be happy. It’s so unhealthy. Figure out where and who your true friends are. Surround yourself with those people. And anyone else who doesn’t bring you up, encourage you and support you…distance from them. Create a healthy social circle. And if you are the one who needs work to be a healthy friend, ask yourself what you need to be a better friend. To you and yourself. I had to do this at one point in my life. I realized that I was being toxic and needed to fix it.
My friend, you are so important and you hold so much value. I know right now that you may struggle to believe it. Believe it! Because it is true. It just sounds like you may need to just take a step back, look at where you would like to go, where you would like to self improve and see what things you need to do to make that happen.
I’m always telling people to write down the things they want to achieve. To write down small achievable and realistic goals that they can work towards that will help them get to their bigger goals and desires. It’s not easy. But this is why we take it one small goal and one day at a time.
Mindfulness. It’s a good thing to practice. Meditate. Find some videos on YouTube or check out the app “head space” and try meditating to help clear your head and pull yourself into a better state of mind. It really helps.
What are some things you enjoy that make you happy! That you can work on and do along the way to make yourself feel good. Focus on these things. Be gentle with yourself.
I care for you friend and I know this is long. I just want you to know that everything you feel is valid. It is. And there is light in all of this darkness. You can do this.
But you don’t have to go at it alone! We can be here to offer support along the way. To offer a positive word and kindness. The best way that we can.
Hold fast my friend. It can get better.
You’re right, as a stranger, I can’t know you truly but you’re still a human being and therefore you deserve life, you deserve hope and while that’s not the cards you were dealt at this time, I believe in you. You can and will get through this. I don’t know how long it will take but you will. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through, it’s not a fun situation to be in (understatement). You are not worthless, you are an incredible person and so loved. @anon17277947 is definitely right though, “if you let it defeat you, you’ll stay unhappy and miserable”. We’re all here to support you and help you through your struggles and to rejoice at your triumphs. You are not alone. Hold fast, we believe in you.
Thankyou everyone. Sorry I haven’t replied in awhile just working on calming myself down. I appreciate the comments and criticism and will try to implement the good advice given to me. The suicidal thoughts keep returning but I’ll try meditating and working on one of my former hobbies and see if those help. I’ve also let go of a lot of my social media and am only contacting one friend at the moment to try and combat my constant anxiety.
I really appreciate that you all decided to stop by and take your time to type out such long replies for me… especially for someone you’ll probably never meet…It helped more than you know.
This community is here to love you, support you, show compassion to you that you need. We will do our best to help out as we can. Thank you for reaching out.
I hope this helps in some way, but it’s a good way of viewing emotions and depression. Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at your situation as if you were someone else.
Depression is like a tidal wave. Hiding in the ocean, brewing and stirring, unable to be detected by the common eye.
At first all is calm, gentle, and controllable, when suddenly your boat rocks, the seas begin to tremble. Your once stable ground is starting to stagger, you begin to lose your footing.
You tell yourself you can ride it out, the storm will subside, the boat will become steady. But it doesn’t. It get worse. Each wave getting bigger and bigger, and each becoming harder to maintain stability in the boat.
Before you know it you’re upside down. You don’t remember what happened, all you know is that your flooded, drowning, trying to do everything to keep your head above water. Grasping onto anything you can to stay afloat. You want to give up, your becoming tired, your arms are weak, your body aches, you can’t find it in you to keep going.
Suddenly you feel something beneath your feet. Your boat had drifted into shore. You find your footing, you’re able to stand, your able to pull yourself out of the storm and out of the ocean. As you turn around, you see the ocean crashing, the violence of the crashing caps, the torrents pulling everything into itself.
You made it through. You stayed strong through the violence and struggle and are able to stand tall and say “I survived”
People may never understand the burden or the weight of what you are going through right now, but there are many who do, myself included. And it is a damn good feeling to be able to come out the other side of suicidal thoughts, crippling depression, and anxiety and say “I survived”
You can make it through this, you can figure something out for your situation, you will come out the other side stronger than ever before. Sending mad love and good vibes your way! Hope this helped!