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I can't forgive myself and move on

First time I’ve felt I’ve needed to post here but I’m struggling so much. I play FFXIV(mmo) with a group of online, long-distance friends. I felt I finally belonged to a group for once in my 21 years alive ! People tell me that they care about me. Suddenly 2 people join in and everything gets shaken up to me. Attentions shift and I start to get very irritable. I snap, get angry, tell people that I felt they weren’t trying hard enough. I regret it like 20 minutes later as suddenly it feels like I’m unwanted, I know what I did and said was wrong(I have asperger’s andtheres a high possibility I have bpd, this used to happen a lot with my current bf before it all settled). But its been about 2 weeks and nothing’s really improved. People say they need time but idk how long time is. I can’t rest in bed without feeling suicidal, like i completely ruined my own life over 1 dumb mistake. I don’t know how to fix things. I never had a friend group growing up, just separate friends. There’s a person in the group who tries to reassure me but it doesn’t feel real. I feel like I’m just a nuisance to everyone I talk to. I was doing so well for a long while and now I’m suddenly years back in progress again. I don’t know how to communicate anymore. I feel like I’m just gonna hurt anyone who tries to be my friend. I’m trying to get outside help but living in a small town its nearly impossible… I really want things to go back to how it was. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t really want to end my life but I also just can’t live with myself.

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@ChibiBirb

Hi. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the community. It means a lot to us (HeartSupport). I understand how you feel. I done bad things too. I said hurtful things to my family, friends, coworkers, God, anyone, and I regretted it. I am still struggling to forgive myself and moving on. It is not easy. However, in time, we will let it go. Continue to forgive yourself daily. Give yourself grace also. Remember, love yourself. I hope you will get better. Thank you for sharing your story. Hold fast. We believe in you.

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Hello there ChibiBirb. It can be confusing sometimes when playing with friends online since we never really know who those friends really are. Are we talking with their online persona or are they completely transparent in their story (meaning they are truthful about everything). Lots of people hide behind their keyboard to be someone that they want to portray being as opposed to who they really are. You never know who actually is there. Being that you told someone your opinion regarding your online friend group in whatever game you are playing doesn’t make you wrong or looked down upon. You should always express your opinion sometimes with choice words or phrases but never hold back something that you truly need to say. If you feel that you said something wrong…simply apologize for it and move on. If they can’t move on then that is on them not on you. If you feel like your importance in the game is less now then realize that this is a feeling of what you think they think of you. Remember to love yourself first and people will love you for you. Sometimes when a new person or group joins the game or whatever everyone likes to touch or gawk at the new shiny thing or topic. You are important in real life and that makes you important in the game. Everyone of the people playing your game are people in real life (minus the bots, lol) and they all have their issues, insecurities just like you do. They may not admit it but they do somewhere in their life. You should talk openly (probably in a private DM) to the person who is trying to support you because they are simply trying to boost you up. They shouldn’t have any hidden agenda if they are trying to for real help. I try to help people anytime they are feeling down, etc. That is what helps me in my daily life. If you continue to feel this way in your game then there is always the option of putting it down for a while or changing groups that you play with. Your old group may say oh he/she wussed out and left to play with xyz group but that is probably all and if they can talk about you behind your back then you don’t need them (or that) in your life online or irl. You got this! Spread love and you will feel love in return. I hope this helps a little. Have a great day and it never hurts to remember that there are millions playing MMO games meaning if your group of 5-100 people is the wrong place for you…it wouldn’t be too hard to find another group that treats you better.

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