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I can't freaking do this anymore

I dont want to be alive anymore. Dont sit there and say things get better because thats bullshit. My life is a joke and I dont want it anymore. I literally hate my life and I cant do this shit anymore. All I do is sit in my house alone and cry and drink and i recently started cutting again.

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@SoFuckingBroken I’m sorry you are not doing well. What can this community do to help you?

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel normal. To feel like I mattered. Not be told I mattered, but actually feel like I mattered. The kind of “mattered” that you can only truly feel. I haven’t felt normal since I was 14. I can honestly remember the first time I ever thought about hurting myself. I was in 8th grade. I remember sitting in my closet. I remember writing in big black letters “help me” on the wall. Those words stayed on that wall for 8 years until we sold that house. That was my getaway, my safe spot. From teenage years to adulthood. I remember cutting my left leg up. I remember all the blood and I remember how amazing it felt. It didn’t actually hurt. It felt good, it was relieving. I use to take the red towels off my dads golf bag and use the to clean up. So I spent the last 16 years using myself as a canvas. People freak out when they discover someone is a cutter, but when you are the one doing it, there can actually be so much beauty in. The last 16 years, literally more than half my life, I have had to hide how I really feel. Shit actually sucks. You have no idea how hard that has been. If anyone ever finds my old blog, there are posts dating back more than 10 years talking about how much I was struggling and it never got easier or better. Depression sucks. It’s literally eaten me alive all this time. And the one thing I’ve found when I have tried to get help for it, is that the only thing worse than being depressed is people knowing you are depressed because then they look at you different, treat you different. They become overly nice or helpful which turns out making things even worse, so I just kept this inside. Only recently did I even let people know that I struggled with it. I don’t need help. Help made things worse for me. I always told myself that when I was no longer capable of feeling anything anymore, I knew it would be time. My little sister used to be my only source of love in this world… the only love with staying power, the only love that was pure and I know will never let me down. Once I can’t feel her love anymore, I will have nothing left,. I just don’t feel anything anymore, and barely from her. I have successfully pushed away the people I needed most in life, and not intentionally. Self doubt, constantly mind fucking myself. Honestly sabotaging myself. Sucks knowing that it’s happening and still not being able to stop yourself. honestly I did only find happiness for the longest time in doing things for others. Sending people money, buying them pizza. I only did these things to make them happy which in turn made me happy which I guess means it was done for my own personal gain so I guess I’m selfish. People get sad, upset. “Oh we should have saw the signs”, “I wish he would have reached out” “how could he do this”. Nobody ever stops to think “hey maybe this is what they needed”. You have no idea how hard this has been. Everyone who has depression lives it in different ways. What works for others doesn’t work for me. What works for me won’t work for others. The happiest moments in my adult life weren’t even happy. It’s a moment of happiness followed by the crippling doubt of everything. Meeting my beautiful sister for the first time was one of the happiest moments of my life. I was 22, and I remember holding her and feeling so elated. But as soon as I stared at her, all I could think about was how I was going to let her down some day and she would hate me. All those feelings within minutes of each other. I don’t wish that on anyone. I need release, i need it all to stop. I’ve spent my entire like doing what I could to help others and I cant even help myself. I

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@SoFuckingBroken I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe someone listening to you it is what you need.

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LOL. Nah, Im good. God doesnt even listen to me anymore, I don’t think listening is going to do much for me anymore.

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Just hold on. you matter.

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Dude I understand you. I know what its like to have people tell you “just find the light at the end of the tunnel!” and “happiness is a choice, choose it!!!” like they have never felt pain in their god damn life. I know what its like to want love, and know you need love, but can’t fall for anyone. I’ve been there. And im still there. Im still stuck wondering what I did wrong, what I should have done, and what’s going on. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want pity, you don’t want people thinking that all you want is for people to feel sorry for you. I just wish I could help. And I know there’s no way I could ever be able to do that. I’ve been to the darkest depths of hell. Hell, in fact I’ve felt absolutely nothing for the past 5 years. I’ve almost lost all of my friends. I know you don’t want to live just for the sake of living. And I know that me making this comment would never help you. I just thought that maybe making you feel less alone would help get you through the day. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe one day you’ll find it. Something that made life worth it all. And maybe you never will. But one things for sure, we will all die anyway. Maybe nothing will ever make life worth shit but at least one day something will take you out of your living nightmare

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