When I was little my sister used me basically as a sex doll and I keep on having these really vivid flashbacks to when she would touch me and make me touch her. I hated her for it. I know we were both really little and she was probably just learning and experimenting so I don’t have a feeling that I hate her anymore but I just really wish she never did that, cuz now I feel like sex is a little worse than it could’ve been. It makes me feel kind of worthless for some reason, it doesn’t make any sense. I also can’t stop thinking about how many times I’ve been to the 5th floor and the emergency room for cutting and overdosing. it makes me want to do it again when I think about it. I have a lot to live for now so IDK… Sometimes I wish all of the things I have to live for didn’t exist so I could just kms and not hurt anyone else in the process. Friends that I loved left me over the years. The never-ending cycle of me feeling depressed and guilty for it hasn’t stopped since 2020. Like wtf everything went to shit in 2020 cuz of this stupid ass man-made virus, I believe 100% it is man-made but that’s not what im here to talk about. The virus screwed everything over and if i wasn’t stuck at home as a 15 yar old i never would’ve felt the need to find a bf online and be fucked over by him being manipulative and hateful. He was bad to me, i ended up cheating on him like 4 times cuz i needed to feel loved but i was scared he would kill himself if i left him i didn’t know what to do so i just cheated on him and he found out every time and i don’t know how it was like he was a stalker. And everytime he would threaten to break up with me even though knew he never would. So i felt kinda stuck, and i started cutting myself and all of this bs from this one guy caused my dad to start beating me and there’s holes in my wall from that and now my doors broken from me smashing my head up against it on purpose. I started doing any drugs i could get my hands on and i started smoking weed at 16 and i lost my virginity. Losing my virginity was the worst mistake of my life, now i feel attached to someone who hurt me so bad mentally. they hurt me so bad they told me almost everyday they were gonna kill themself and there was nothing i could do about it, and its not like i lived with him so i woke up and went to school hoping to see him everyday. I have a better boyfriend now though and i think this one might be the one… i just sometimes wonder if things would be better for people if i actually died when i tried to kill myself. My mother is sick of raising me, I’ve cursed my dad out one too many times to the point of them taking my car and my phone. Im trying so hard to be strong but i just cant keep myself together i wish i was dead sometimes i just know i cant be dead because i finally have someone who loves me and wants to have a life with me but FUCK i cant do this anymore i don’t deserve the good moments i have and i deserve the bad ones 10x worse then they come. i cant do this anymore this writing is just getting worse the more i type
Hey @brokenglass,
It’s good to see you here, and I’m proud of you for letting this out. You have been through so much, and even though words may not heal instantly, it is a safe way to let your emotions out. The emotional pressure needs to be released – it’s okay to share what’s on your heart. I promise you that you are not a burden and will never be one here.
I wholeheartedly agree with you: you have so much to live and experience, still, and so much better memories to create. But it also goes along with finding your way towards more healing and peace at the same time, which can be so confusing and exhausting at times. Just yesterday I had this flow of tears on my face for the pain of not feeling whole. All the memories, the sadness, the anger were cycling in my mind and heart – it hurts to be hit by these waves of emotions and wondering if there’s a time in our life when we will be over it, when we stop coming to these familiar places of our mind, over and over.
I hate these cycles and I hate that you’ve been feeling trapped in it for so long. You absolutely deserve better, and not any ounce of pain that you’ve been through. It makes sense that times when your mind spiral are present though. You are processing heavy experiences that happened to you, and some of them are still very recent. Your heart is wounded and needs time to heal, just like your mind in order to see that none of what happened would ever diminish your worth or right to live. You are not and will never be defined by what others did to you. It only speaks about them.
You are a warrior that has never ceased to fight. You are here, alive, breathing, and that is your superpower today. Thank you for being present, thank you for sharing your voice. Right now it feels like being slowly drowned by an ocean that has no border, no land in sight. But these waves will not swallow you, my friend. We’re holding your hand. You will make it through, and maybe a first step to create some more peace in your heart today could be to do one thing for yourself, one act of care and gentleness, could it be small or big. You deserve to nurture yourself with as much patience, grace and care as possible, even more during times like these. I know it is challenging to give yourself the credit of being worthy of good things and good people, but you truly are.
I’m rooting for you. You’re in my thoughts today. 
From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ
Hi Friend I’m so sorry for what you’ve been thru. I’ve been thru similar things and I feel for you. I want you to know that you are worthy of being happy and leading a healthy life. When we don’t love ourselves and think we don’t deserve to be loved by others or be happy we look (unconsciously) for things that are bad for us. Like letting your ex boyfriend treat you badly and manipulate you or doing drugs etc. I hope that this new relationship is good for you and that you are loved and treated well.
I would also encourage you to seek therapy, so you can work out all the horrible things you’ve been thru and learn coping skills to help you. You matter! ~Mystrose
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, it was hard to read that someone so young has been through such a lot already in their life. I am so very sorry that all these things have occured, not one of them should have happened and none were your fault. I really want you to know that you are not a worthless person, you are not responsible for the way people treat you at all, that is their behaviour not yours however if you could find a way to learn to love yourself as much as you want others to, you would know that you need to be treated with respect . I would encourage you to talk to someone, a doctor, a therapist or a counceller, you have a lot of things that you need to talk out, to make sense of where possible and to work out your worth. You have found friends, love and respect here and that is what we want for you outside of that. You do not have to continue being treated poorly, you are an amazing young person and your life is so valuable and so are you. check out the resources that have been shared friend. We are all here to support you. Much Love Lisa x
From: Mamadien
brokenglass, thank you for coming back to the HS community. I’m glad that you are feeling that this is a safe place to come and talk about what is going on in your life. You have so very much to deal with and it sounds painful. May I ask, have you ever seen a counselor or therapist for what happened to you as a young child? It’s something to consider if you haven’t. Considering that you have been to the hospital, I’m thinking it’s been offered to you. I want to tell you that you deserve to have healthy relationships in your life. You are deserving of love, respect and care. You are worthy of the good things in your life and to be happy. We’re here with you as you work to walk through and heal this pain. Please be kind to yourself, you are important and you are valued in this world, it wouldn’t be the same without you here. I’ve seen the love you’ve given in this community. You are not invisible. I see you. We can walk together.
Hey Brokenglass,
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. You never asked for or any of the past trauma that weighs on you right now, and you absolutely deserve none of the pain you are feeling. It sounds like you have gone through so much, and you are still carrying the weight of it all on your shoulders as you try to keep moving forward.
Though we can’t un-do the past, we do have the power to steer our future. I hope and pray that you are able to find resources that could help you start healing the pain that you still carry from this, and that the weight comes off your shoulders. Do you have any counselors or therapists that you are working with on this? Though it may be difficult to find ones in your area, situation, etc, I so strongly encourage you to talk with a professional to help you along a healing path through all of this.
One thing you can do to easily help yourself is prepare for when those intrusive thoughts rear their ugly heads. Have you checked out the SOS App? It is there for anyone who is in need with self harm or hard intrusive thoughts. I encourage you to download it, but hopefully never need it.
Discord Post Direct download links: iOS Android
You deserve happiness. You are worthy of love, and I am sure you have love to give. You are not your intrusive thoughts. You are not your past. You are a whole, good person. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. We’re here when ever you need a friend to listen.
You Matter.
Hello @brokenglass
I understand how troubling it is to experience sexual trauma as a child. Trauma like this doesn’t just “go away”. Some periods of time, it may feel normal. The traumatic memories may even be dormant-- or have periods like now, where it’s a constant stressor. Have you tried talking about these troubling times to a professional?
It sounds like a lot of your issues with “people pleasing” may stem from your childhood trauma, and your parents. I’m sorry to hear about your past experiences with your ex boyfriend. I’m going to link https://www.loveisrespect.org/ as a viable resource for you. This website has a hotline you can get ahold of (text or call) that has counselors able to help you through troubling times with your relationships 24/7. They also provide valuable resources and challenge you to think about important things you value in relationships like your boundaries. It seems like to me, regarding your last boyfriend-- a big boundary you’ve had in the past with just even your family and yourself is control. You’ve felt very controlled by your sister abusing you sexually. Controlled by your parents abuse, both emotionally and physically (ie: your parents taking your car and phone away being mental/emotional abuse; your father beating you being physical/emotional abuse) definitely has taken a massive toll on you. You are overwhelmed, and it shows.
I think that talking to a professional, whether it’s a crisis line counselor, a therapist, or even your school counselor-- is a very positive step for you. It sounds scary, I know. I’ve had to do it myself. I think, between what I said, and the others, these are the best choices of actions for you to take.
Please keep us updated, and take care! I’m rooting for you, hun. <3
Mamadien, thank you so much… that got me all teary-eyed 
Of course, dear.
I feel for you, it still affects me what I went through as a child with CSA. And I’m well into my twenties now.
I’m hoping you can heal, and find the positive life you deserve soon. <3
Keeping you in my thoughts.