I can't get over a toxic relationship

We were together for 15 years. There were so many times that I knew I had to leave but couldn’t. He was so horrible to me, al. I wanted was to keep trying and changing. Anything to get him to love me. From what I have read, it is possible he is a narcissist. All the signs were there. The constant belittling, controlling, putting down any of my accomplishments, comparing me to other women, threatening me with cheating, lying manipulation, then the final discard. A text stating “met someone, we hit it off, we are dating, I am happy”. It has been a year, I still like a pile of trash thrown to the side of the road. I don’t know why I need him to contact me, some sort of weird validation I guess. I will not contact him, it would just make him feel some sick sense of power like before. I refuse to give him that. What can I do to let it go, to release him from my mind. To accept for myself that I am a worthwhile person and not the garbage he threw away?


So sorry for the way you were treated. That’s terrible. I hope you can understand that you will be much better off without him in your life. It had to be tough dealing with all that abuse for so long, but it’s finally time for you to be free. You have the freedom to experience new life without the control and negativity. I can imagine it’s going to take time to mentally move on, but you deserve to be happy again.

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Hi !
First welcome to this community and thank for sharing your story with us :hugs:

Now for what I have read, I think that it would be for the better if you dont have a contact with him, maybe you will still miss him for a while but is normal, you cared about him and you were together for around 15 years. But as time goes,you will start feeling better :hugs:.

Take care :heart:

Hey Friend!

First, thanks for writing and also welcome to the community!

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I’ll tell you right now life is tough, I was in toxic relationship for about 3 months, if I remember correctly. And I’ll admit, it made my mental health horrible.

Life is not going to be easy at all, but know that you are strong and you are loved.

All of us on this forum loves you and cares for you.

I don’t know if you are religious or not, but Jesus said in John 16:33 NLT “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world”

You are loved and you absolutely matter. Life will NEVER be easy, but I can tell you this, remain strong and be positive, and life will seem easy.

All of us in the OtterFam loves you and cares for you!

Thank you for your kind words, I know things will get better. I think the isolation of this pandemic is really driving back into a dark place.

Thank you, I appreciate your caring words

Thank you, I know I am better off without him. Sometimes though I have a pity party for one and focus on his reality not mine. The isolation of this shelter in place is not helping, too much time to think.

Hey girl. First of all I want you to know that the feelings you’re experiencing are completely valid - I totally understand what you’re going through as I have been through the exact same sort of toxic relationship in my past.

It’s not an easy thing to go through by any means so I congratulate you for being so strong, I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come. What helped me was taking things one day at a time, and doing things for me. I took advantage of the fact that I had all this time to heal and grow from that dark experience. I encourage you to take the time in your life that you have right now to focus on yourself - it’s so important!

I want you to remember that you are worth so much more than you were made to feel. You deserve happiness, love and peace in your life. Much Love! <3

Thank you, I am really trying to keep the focus on me. It just seems the nights I can’t sleep are the worst. I know I am so better off without him.

I was in the same boat. I was with him for a year. I get it. Especially if you are kind or a hopless romantic and like to make everyone happy. I want you to know that even though it’s hard(and I’m not saying that in a cheesy way, I ate a whole bag of three musketeers and cried while pretending to dance with hot guys from my school)( I went off for rebounds immediately)(I ate ALOT of chocolate and over used my school councelor, that woman does not get paid enough lol) it’s okay to scream and throw things and hit things(not people or things that’ll hurt you) it’s okay to eat all of the chocolate and lean on your friends. I learned that those types of relationships can take away your identity, what you like to do, who yoy can be around. It’s what abusive relationships do and they are HELL to heal from. But I promise you, take all the time you need, we will be here for you. Be patient with yourself and understand that healing is a shitty shitty process. I still have issues from that relationship but trust me girl. If I can do it, I know you definitely can. Much love❤

Thank you, I know it will get better. Sometimes it is just especially hard to let go of the feeling of not being good enough.

I think you could use this time to focus on yourself. Do some things you love to do and express yourself in new ways. The truth is you are likely an amazing person with alot to offer the world and although these circumstances may limit the ways you can do that, this community seems very willing to listen and support you.

The truth is, you are good enough, your more than good enough for you and for anyone else who has the proper capacity to respect and understand you. Taking care of your own mental health is always a great investment, especially at the end of a less than healthy relationship. Toxic relationships damage alot of things, but nothing is beyond repair. You can move past this and will find things you can eventually learn from it. I like to think of every relationship is a learning opportunity. Its hard to see the truth about how toxic a relationship is when your in the middle of it. At the end you look back sometimes and think, how could I have stayed so long in that environment being treated that way? Think past that, how can I move forward and did I learn? Can I use what i learned to ensure that I choose a healthy relationship in the future? These are good questions to start with.