Back to heartsupport

I can't handle being this lonely anymore

Hello! It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the Support Wall, I’m sorry. I’ve been busy recently. Anyways, I’m bisexual. I came out about 2 years ago and even though I don’t regret coming out, it can be really lonely being me sometimes. Two years ago I was really suicidal and hospitalized because I would rather be dead than like girls. I built up a little bit of self esteem about my sexuality after that, but a year later I was molested by a girl at my church camp. It completed destroyed me and when i reached out to my best friend he didn’t believe me. So then I start this school at a very rural school that is not very accepting. When I come out at that school about half of my grade just flat out stops talking to me. Now I’m kind of stuck in this place of self hatred for my bisexuality. I made a very innocent joke about being bisexual last night and my parents got super angry about it. They made me feel like I was incapable of love from God fully, and like they will always love me but they hate such a huge part of who I am as a human being. Later they took my siblings aside to tell them why they can’t support me and all the reasons why homosexuality is wrong.it really made me feel damaged as a human being and all I wanted in that moment was my mom who is normally so understanding of everything else, but I couldn’t trust her because she is a source of the pain. I can’t come out at church because it’s not a good environment. So I’m kind of left here alone. My family doesn’t support me, my school doesn’t support me, my church doesn’t support me, and I hate this part of myself so deeply. I hate the ways that girl violated me without my consent, I hate the ways I feel ashamed of my own body now because​ of her. I hate myself for never being enough for anyone. I hate the fact that I can’t change this one part of myself to gain acceptance from the people who matter most in my life. It’s all so lonely. Anyways, sorry​ that was so long. Sorry if it sounded like complaining. I have a lot to be grateful for, like the fact that I haven’t been kicked out or disowned. I’m just really lonely.
Stay safe everyone
-Emma

1 Like

Dang man…what a brutal situation…to feel like it took so much courage to admit this piece of your life, and to feel like only tragedy has come from it…to feel like you’ve experienced this trauma and no one believes you…to feel like you bare your soul and no one accepts you…to feel like people tell you “open up” but they don’t actually want to hear what you have to say…to feel like you’re surrounded by people but desperately alone…to feel like you want to accept yourself but can only muster hate for who you are and what’s been done to you…talk about a brutal situation man…I’m so sorry you’re in this constant state of in-between, never fully accepted, never fully loved – by others or yourself…you’re in this in-between of feeling like you’re isolated from everyone…even yourself…and that’s such a terrifyingly lonely place, to feel like no where is safe…

I remember being in a similar spot in my life, feeling like every day was a reminder that I was worthless…everything I did, every time I tried, it was all proof that I was inadequate to be loved…so I tried harder and harder and harder to be loved, but never reaching that place of acceptance from others, so I lived in a constant state of pushing myself to try to be accepted but not accepting myself amidst it all…I hated myself for being so weak, so imperfect…I felt like there was no one in my life that could understand, and even if they could, no one who would give a shit about me. I would spend my whole day trying to drown out these thoughts, but then at night when I went to bed, the loneliness and emptiness flooded in, and I couldn’t escape it…I remember scrolling through my phonebook and feeling like there wasn’t a single person that would care I feel like my life is pointless…

I mean all of this to say something really important…I’m in it with you friend. I know a hole strikingly similar to the one you’re in…to feel like being away from everyone is safer, but then you’re left with yourself which feels like the least safe place you could be…to hope that by being alone someone would come to find you but realizing that at the end of the day you are as you desperately feared: completely alone.

But I see you. You are not alone. And you are worthy of love right here. From what I know I love you, and I accept you (and the God I know does too). You aren’t crazy for being this way. All I can offer is a hand and say – hey friend, I’m in it with you too.

-Nate

2 Likes

Thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry that you can’t be comfortable being yourself in so many important areas of your life. That does not mean that you aren’t great as you are, it just means that the people around you are reacting in hurtful ways out of their own struggles. You are worthy of love just as you are. My hope for you is that your family will learn to love you for ALL that you are. You shouldn’t have to gain acceptance, but that’s on the people who have trouble accepting you. You are a beautiful and unique and awesome person just as you are. And right now you may be stuck and surrounded by people who don’t know how to react to every aspect of you, but this time of your life won’t last forever. There are people out there who will be able to appreciate you and all parts of you. In time, you will find them and attract them by being true to yourself. You aren’t alone and we care about you :star:

1 Like

Thank you do much Nate this really means a lot. :heart:

1 Like

Thank you so much :heart:

Dear Emma. I am 55 and out of closet lesbian since 19 but knew since I was 12. My mom turned on me and made me leave our home after I confided in her. I am from a very religious family with pastors. To my surprise a few years later my mom came around, accepted me, my girlfriend and even her family. Point being sometimes parents need space and time to understand and accept. Other friends weren’t so lucky but that doesn’t mean you give up hope. I have chosen to be an upright, godly example of a woman that happens to be a lesbian and all in all it has worked out well for me. Being true to yourself and fulfill his mission for you in this life is what God wants for you. Be strong!