I cant handle this . this is tooo much for my health

Just here trying to write , it just, you know. My mental health hasn’t been the best the past couple days. from anxiety to dealing with crap i was “put” into, to my anxiety once more. I do not know what to write because of how much suffering of anxiety I’m in. this also has to deal with new years and watching my dad go perform with a band… im afraid to watch because of fireworks going off ( had a firework incident happen years ago.) and i dont know how ill re act to it infront of the family in town and i dont know what else they would say to me if they see me like this.
It’s hard. Recently i’ve been stressing about my relatives coming into town . i don’t have an issue with most of them but one of them i’ve had issues in the past .
I’ve already snapped at people today because of this. Am i supposed to be getting better, be stronger than this? The reason why i’ve been stressing about this is because in the past me and my grandmother have had our moments but i would just roll it off and let my mother know but it’s gotten to a point years later its causing me anxiety , causing me fear to be around her because i don’t know what the heck is gonna happen. I know she cares about me but i just really have had enough of this . It just sucks on how my mental health has taken over these past couple days. Today, i was of course getting ready to go see them and both my mom and sister try to tell me i need to change my clothing . i of course snap because i’m tired of trying to be “someone” tired of being “perfect”. I’m tired of being someone who has to play a part. i’m tired of being the person who has to be someone she’s not supposed to be . I’m tired of having to be this image of those who want me to be. I don’t care if they are trying to look out for me but i feel like this image they WANT me to be isnt me. after i told my family i don’t care what they think. it’s just too dang exhausting to hide who i am . to hide what i need to be. I’ve been stressing because of my grandmother . back when i was younger we had our days lets say. She would just frickin frustrate me because we don’t see eye to eye. for example when i was between the ages of 15-16 should would watch us, and she wouldn’t let me call my OWN dad while he was out of town like what the heck. She wouldn’t let me even go on a walk because something bad would of happened to me if it were to happen. those days were kinda vivid to me but she wouldn’t really even let me go near the stove cause it was hot. what am i ? a little kid? it’s just sooo much hurt now i don’t know what to do mentally or physically. dealing with this pain sucks.
maybe i’m just tired of living because its just all gonna get to me . i don’t know if i’ll ever feel myself around her because of my anxiety. i don’t know what to do anymore . i don’t feel okay and i don’t feel like i’ll ever will be when im around her. i’m just read to give up just to let her ruin my mental health , ruin my sanity. i cant anymore. i just want this all to end .


Hey Ashley!

Thanks for sharing what you’re going through. I’ve been finding that writing down my own anxieties has helped me recently, and I hope it helps you to put it down too! It’s also OK if you don’t know where to start.

Family is hard huh? We can choose our friends, but we can’t choose the people who budge their way into our lives at certain times of year, whether we want them too or not. I know for me too that having my family around can often remind me of things that I need to work on myself- which is good for my health, but annoying at the same time! I’m glad that you told your family how you feel.

I don’t think you should hide who you are! I can say that for sure. But, also (and believe me on this one!) I don’t think our families are going anywhere. That’s life unfortunately. The good news though, is that there IS a way to coexist, and even thrive in this and all situations. The people around you may never change, but the way they make you feel, and your resilience in the face of that, may change for the better- I’ve seen it in people in this community and elsewhere.

So there are definitely some ways and resources that you could try to help- email me at [email protected] and we can see what we’ve got! I’m guessing that soon you’ll get a break from family as the holidays are winding down? I do hope so, and I hope this helped :slight_smile:

  • John

thank you john, sent you an email. it kinda did help but seeing them again today till wednesday …

It can end. It just doesn’t happen overnight, or even over just weeks or months. Take small steps and hopefully have a few strides too and don’t forget we all take steps backwards in between.