I Cant i just don't belong

I can’t get myself to write this . I’m some 19 year old who should have everything figured out . I’m in my first year of college attempting to get my associates , then my bachelors for teaching ESE kids and special needs kids (but also know sign language just in case). Some times i just wish i was normal , perfect, having her own issues non-existent . If that makes sense.
Whats making this post so hard to type is that when i just want to poor it all out i cant . I just cant feel better . I just cant realize that i need to poor my feelings out. I don’t want to keep my feelings to my self . Lately my mind has been mentally beating me up . Telling me to kill myself . I am almost 2 years clean from self harm . SO why now does my mind want me to go backwards.
Anyways, The point of posting this is because today i saw my grade from my American Sign Language Midterm and i immediately not happy because i thought i did so well . I even studied for it and i still got a 62% how just how. I even remember the night before getting told to tell my professor if i could do get a little extra time after class to do the test or something because of my auditory processing disorder. Yet i didn’t listen because i just wanted to fit in i just wanted to be treated like a “normal” student. When i was done , i thought i did well . i thought it was easy . but i guess not . and since then i feel like I’ve mentally beat myself up by thinking/feeling like would i do better if i was perfect if i was normal. I’m sorry that I’m neither. I just wish i was perfect and normal.

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Your intentions are very kind and teaching kids is a wonderful thing to do.
A test doesn’t define you, it’s only a measure of what you know right now at this very moment. Think of it as you know way more ASL than you did when you started.

I’ve failed many tests I thought I did well on and it didn’t matter in the end, all that matters is not giving up. Normal does not equal perfect, if you need more time take it.

I know what it’s like receiving a bad grade and I feel for you.

Stay strong Ashley, you do matter and if you keep working hard you’ll matter to those kids too.

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I know how you feel it’s very frustrating when you’ve studied for a test and then come to find out that you have failed the test. You say you don’t have everything figured out but to me I feel like you do have everything figured out you want to teach ESE kid and special needs kids I can tell you are a very nice person. Please don’t let one test get you down it’s only one test and you can bounce back from this I feel like you are very smart especially if you’re trying to become a teacher. Normal means common and average. Why would you strive for that?

Stay strong Ashley, The future needs more people like you and you do make a difference.

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It’s okay not have everything figured out. I know it sounds cliche to say that everyone has their own issues but it’s true. I sometimes think that due to stressful situations our mind goes back to coping how we use to. I’m sorry that your grade was not what you are hoping for. I’ve been there and I’m sure that others here have been there as well. It sucks because you bust your tail and still feel like you are not good enough. If you think using testing accommodations will help you that is okay and there is no shame in doing so. I have ADHD and I use them for my classes and no one has said anything negative to me about it. (I had classmates joke with me about it but none of the comments were mean or hurtful.) Focus on being you and doing the best that you can. Do what you think is going to work best and if you do want to use accommodations for taking exams that is okay and there is no shame in using them.

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You are trying. That’s good. 62% is better than 0%. Also, you can do better. You are a smart person. Doing your best is smart. I encourage you not to give up. You believe in your goal, so do us (HeartSupport). If you want to share more, this forum is still open for you. God bless you.