I cant keep doing this

Every day it’s just harder and harder. I’m on the front lines of the virus and its brought out the worst in everyone. And the hazard pay we get doesnt help since I had to cut my hours down because I had a mental breakdown at work after a customer grabbed me and yanked me to scream at me. I’m not even getting any stimulus money because my mother put me as dependent for 2019 for some stupid reason. And when I talk to her she says I should just ““get over it”” and ““I dont know why you dropped your hours then””.
I dont have enough money to pay for anything anymore and I feel sick. I’m sick of myself I’m sick of being alive in a world that has done nothing but ruin my life for the past 6 years. I’m tired of being alone.
I cant keep going I want to kill myself more and more every day and o just lay in bed sobbing.
My girlfriend has to deal with it all the time and I’m just this big burden.
Everyone says oh your not but I know they’re just being nice. No one likes me. No one wants to help.
I know everyone at work talks about me behind their back. My mother hates me. My girlfriend is sick of me. I’m just a burden.
But I’m scared and too cowardly to kill myself.
I just cant do anything right.

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Hey @Moonflower,

I see you. And you are loved, friend.

What you’re going through is tough. And I’m sorry you have to deal with so much difficulties right now. But you are not a burden okay? Not to your girlfriend, nor to anyone.

You are doing your best while being in the middle of difficult circumstances. A stressful work, stressful events with the covid situation and a lack of support from the people around you. And I have to disagree with your girlfriend. Often times people think that mental health is about personal responsability, determination. But that’s not true. It’s more complex.

I know it feels like you’re stuck right now. Like your life is just too overwhelming. But there’s always some possibilities to explore and I want to believe that you are not of resources - even if right now, financially, it’s difficult.

  • About your girlfriend, at this point, do you want her to understand what you are going through/experiencing? If yes, maybe it’s worth it to try again to communicate about that with her. Or even writing what’s in your chest and give it to her. You know, the post you just wrote here is a good example of the fact that you can make others understand what’s your situation and how you’re feeling. :heart: I’m saying this because oten times when we’re struggling we try to reach out but partially. Like we would accept to say that we struggle with something that’s not a real difficulty and hide the rest. Do your girlfriend knows about your suicidal thoughts? Do you think she said “get over it” while being really aware of how you’re feeling?

  • In regards of your suicidal thoughts: know that there is no shame to have that kind of thought. But it’s not a solution. Existing is not synonym of being a coward. It’s the exact definition of bravery. And you are brave.
    Recently, some self-help exercises were added here on the SW. It’s totally free and accessible to everyone. I’d like to recommend you to try one of those in particular: Why suicide makes sense and why you still shouldn't do it - I did it myself and it was very helpful. :heart: You can try this list and keep it with you/put it where you could see it everyday, so it would be a reminder of why it’s important to hang in there. :heart:

  • What are you used to do/what activities do you enjoy generally? Things that help you to relax, to take a break? Maybe writing down a list of that kind of thing could help you to use those resources when you need it! For example, I love looking at the stars while drinking a giant and warm cup of coffee. It’s not much, but it feels so good. I also love to take some time to feel the sun. I enjoy some TV shows, drawing and coloring as well these days.

  • Have you ever been on the HS streams? It’s a good occasion to breathe and connect with other members of the community, or receive direct support/share about your situation <3 : https://www.twitch.tv/heartsupport (you can also see the schedule on this page).

  • In regards of what happened at your work, this person who grabbed you… I’m really sorry it happened. It’s indeed scary and it’s makes totally sense to have a mental breakdown after that. It’s a human reaction. There’s no guilt to have about this. :heart:
    Did you have the occasion to talk about what happened to someone? Did you try to write about it? Also know that there’s a 7-days free trial for BetterHelp, which is a service that provides professional support. Maybe you could use this trial at least to dump your mind a little? You can get more informations about the resources available on HS here: https://heartsupport.com/resources/ - Do not hesitate to take a look at it.

You’ll be okay. Hang in there friend. It’s a tough moment, but it won’t be like this forever. Things will change. And you are not stuck right now.
Thank you for being here. :heart:

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