I cant lose myself again

[magicjack2000]

hello. its not my first time here. so rn i just kinda feel very anxious. and im just afraid ill lose myself. like my other self i guess. when let it take over. i lose myself and do stupid things. i still have control for now. it feels like i have somthing inside me that just comes out and screws everything up. like thaughts i just bury in my mind to forget. its very hard when it comes out. it feels like it comes outta nowhere. it may seem a bit crazy but yeah this sucks. i hate the way i am sometimes like i drover people off for sharing my story. i just wanna be around friends again. its like a viscous cycle that just comes back every few months.

[SpiderTrev]

Hi , I think it’s so great your sharing this. Writing it down , telling people about it will be good help. I have moments where my panic attacks can take over me and my body is even physically effected, like I see red and body is hard to control.
It’s an odd experience and like you said can come from no where .
But feeling like it could happen again is a good sign that you are aware and can be more in control.
Things that help me are small out of routine actions, such as a quick walk with good music, stand in the rain for few moments, a hot shower, new film or TV or organise a draw I haven’t looked in for while.
All these things are things I don’t do often, so when I do it makes my brain focus on that more than my anxiety.
Also , big big breaths. Keep that good O2 swimming around you and I hope things improve.
Big hugs

[Micro]

Hey @magicjack2000,

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this here. It can be disturbing and scary at first to navigate these repeated cycles of thoughts and deep emotions. When we are going through these, we can start to wonder if it’s weird or not, or even if we are”normal” or not. But by sharing how you feel, you allow yourself to connect to others’ experiences, and it’s a very, very powerful step in order to break any kind of solitude or isolation.

For what it’s worth, coming from a stranger, I hear you and I relate to what you describe. Just a couple of days ago I was explaining to my therapist that it’s been a very long time that I’ve been having these repeated cycles of sadness, if not sorrow. Almost as if a part of me was tied to a deep root of sadness, and that even if I do my best to move away from it, there’s always times of vulnerability when it feels like coming back to the same point, again and again. During these moments, I have dark thoughts, I ruminate, I feel grief, regrets, and a deep pain. It almost feels like some kind of familiar darkness that I’m not sure what to do with. But it’s there, and it feels like it’s always been there.

I want you to know that you are not weird or crazy for feeling those things. Actually, many people, including in this community, have experienced something similar. The causes can be very different (anxiety, depression, personality disorders, traumatic events…), but in the end it all results in changes in our mood, and a need to learn to navigate these emotions in a healthy way. A good way to do that is to seek counseling, if that’s possible for you, as a therapist will help you to reflect on how you feel, to really name what’s going on inside of your heart and inside of your mind. If it’s not possible for some reason, then educating yourself through mental health readings (reliable books/blogs/articles that encourage us to connect to our emotions), and more easily journaling, are other options too. Just taking 5 minutes everyday, to check in with yourself, can do a lot in the long run.

You don’t have to hate yourself for feeling. We all do. We’re all humans! But you can learn to be curious about it. To be some kind of inner explorer, which is both an exciting and growing journey. There’s nothing wrong for feeling, my friend. What’s going on inside of you isn’t meant to be judged, loved or hated - only understood. So, I really want to encourage you to take it easy and be gentle with yourself. When you feel more vulnerable, sad, empty or numb, then try to treat yourself as you would do with a friend. Cultivate compassion, love, grace, forgiveness with yourself, through many small actions everyday. You are deserving of all of these things.

Your story as well is worth sharing and hearing. If it drives people away, then they were not the ones who would be able to listen. It’s disappointing, even heartbreaking as we expect some specific people to be this pillar of support to us, but it’s also a learning experience. Not everyone can be in a position of listening/understanding at the moment. It’s a matter for you to find the right people, and I want you to know that if you need a place where you can always be heard, then you can count on this forum right here to hold that role.

You are heard. You are seen. You are loved dearly. Your story is important. YOU are important. Please don’t let anyone make you believe that your voice should be muted. Your voice is a strength, a powerful tool that this world needs. I personally feel humbled and inspired for having the possibility to know this little part of your own heart. Reaching out as you did is also an act of self-love, and that is your very first superpower.