I can't stay with them anymore

[illucien]

I can’t do it. I tried, I tried everything to make it work but it just keeps on getting worse and worse. I didn’t want any of these to happen. As you can tell, I left a lot of information but I’m way to anxious and paranoid. I’m sorry.

I can’t breathe, I literally can’t. I don’t know if I can call that a trauma, but about a year ago… Something happened between my parents and I. Since that day, I can’t breathe. Physically, I feel like I’m drowning under water 24/7 and it’s getting worse every day. The doctors, therapists kept telling me it’s because “I don’t exercise as much” or “it’s just because of mental issues” but they never really helped me. Recently, it all got worse and right now, it’s just as bad as that day. I’m drowning.

I never get out of my room. And when I do, I just can’t stay with them even for half an hour. I have a sibling as well, and they just keep shouting at each other. My dad hits him so that he could obey whatever my parents say. The mess never stops, the noise never stops. When I go to my room, they are like “What happened? Why are you isolating again?”

They keep shouting at me whenever we don’t agree on something. I used to stay quiet whenever something like this happened but I just can’t stay silent anymore because they are putting so much pressure on me, and I’m sick of it. I feel like I’m just falling apart.

I’m sorry. I am at my breaking point but I really don’t want to commit to suicide especially after all these years I went through. I just don’t want to end my life when I fought every single second of my childhood; was it all because I was going to kill myself at the end? I survived from all of my suicide attempts just because I was going to kill myself later on?

Everything is getting worse and worse. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay with them, I can’t stay here. I need someone to get me out of here. Please, please…

Please. Someone take me to another place

[Ezra]

May I ask how old you are?

[illucien]

Yeah, I’m 16.

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[Ezra]

I will answer to your post later. There is so much I can relate to - but right now I am not able to get a clear thought due to other issues. I will get back to you.

[illucien]

thank you so much for your reply! it’s totally fine, you can come back later. i feel less lonely when someone out there experiences similar things but at the same time it makes me very sad. stay strong.

[Ezra]

Good Morning illucien,

I am sorry I couldn’t answer right away, I was dealing with some issues yesterday, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I am 49, from Germany, and currently I am on sick leave after a burn out with a breakdown.

I have posted my life history earlier, and I have been abused by my parents alot till a point I gave up and simply obeyed them in every single detail, just to avoid the fights and punishments. I have never learned to really emanzipate from my parents, which finally led to the sitation I am in today.

What you describe reminds me so much of details of my youth. As a teenager, you are into the state of developing your personality, and you can get influenced a lot. Parents who are not guiding, but fighting, and who mainly work with accusations and guilt in upbringing do no good to their children. Obviously your parents are overwhelmed with the current situation - as you are with their reaction towards you and your brother.

I also was in the situation that I thought that suicide was easier than going through this any longer, until I decided just to obey, to make it as easy as possible for me - the end result was maybe even worse than if I had fought.

Depending from your country there are different ways to get away from your parents, if you think the situation is unbearable. There are many starting points for teenagers in your situation. You could try to get an anonymous apointment at a counselor at your youth welfare office. Sometimes church organisations offer same servies for consultation.

In my country the youth welfare office offers for the worst cases teenager shared appartements, where a social worker also lives and helps you to get through daily life and problems, until you finish school and can start a life on your own.

I know teenagers who have chosen other ways to get away from their parents, like running away and living on the street - do not even consider this, it will do no good for you. There are many other ways to get support.

[tarainutah]

While I cannot relate nor give helpful advice, I do want you to know that I am here for you. Thank you for reaching out and I hope that you will be able to find some help here.