I’m so depressed and cry everyday. I have no motivation to do anything. My house is always a mess. It all started 5 years ago, I was 18, when my brother murdered my parents. I became depressed about that for a while and now I am somewhat at peace with what happened but I still am depressed and hate myself. I let myself go so bad. The smallest things make me break down and I dont know how to change it. My s/o doesnt know how bad I’m hurting. He has helped me so much the past few years but I can now tell he is tired of telling me the same thing over and over again when I break down. He tells me I need to be more active and learn how to love myself but I dont know how. I cant get myself to do anything because right when I start I get too overwhelmed and break down. The only emotions I feel are sadness and emptiness. The only time I feel genuine happiness is when I drink but I know that’s not going to help me so I try not to drink often. I’m so afraid of being alone and I feel like my s/o is going to leave me if I dont change because he has had to deal with this for so long. And I also dont want him to change because of me. He is the only person I care about. I have lost feelings for family and friends even though they havent done anything wrong. I’m constantly behind on the things I need to do. I want to stop living this but i cant kill myself. I dont know what to do.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. You’ve come to a good place to express your struggles, and to receive some support in return. I completely understand how you are feeling about having to hold things in and keep them from your s/o. A year and a half ago, my ex boyfriend took his life. It tore me up inside, because even though him and I didn’t fit together, I still cared about him and wanted what was best for him. I felt like I had to get over it pretty fast so I didn’t upset my current boyfriend. I still have a hard time with it sometimes, and when it affects my mood, I don’t feel that I can talk to him about it. I fear that it may cause problems between us. So I find support in my friends, family, and on here. As long as you find support somewhere, it’s okay.
I hope that you find that support, and that things look up for you.
Gosh, that’s brutal, friend…I can’t even begin to imagine the trauma…to lose your family in one fell-swoop like that? To carry around this tragic loneliness, this terrible sadness…what the heck are you supposed to do with that? How could anyone even begin to understand? Your every day life is so much heavier because of it, like you’re carrying this unfathomably burdensome anvil on your back no matter what you do…so no wonder you’ve got a hard time doing stuff…the weight is crushing you, but you don’t know how to take it off, how to live without this anymore. The only thing you’ve got is a s/o that you feel you burden because he doesn’t know how to help carry it anymore and is probably tired of trying, but you feel that if he weren’t in your life that you’d be done in…you wouldn’t have anyone else, and you can’t do this alone…that is one thing you know for sure…so you’re hoping for something, anything, to help you figure this life thing out because you could sense the panic if something were to happen to your s/o and for you to be threatened with this vacuum of love.
I am so sorry that you’re hurting. That is a lot of pain, trauma, and heartache for one person to carry so it’s understandable to have these feelings, to feel depressed, and it is normal to not know what to do with those feelings. You recognize that you need that support and you can’t do that alone. Your s/o is doing their best to be there for you because they love you and care about you. At this point, it sounds like you may need to see a licensed therapist. The right therapist can help you learn to process how you’re feeling and help to give you the tools you need in order to cope and self care. It will take time and work and you will need to be as open and honest as you can about all of it. You can do this. All the love and light to you. You’re not alone. <3
Crying is good for you, do it as much as you can. If you are locking yourself away from others because of the crying, you may need to take some breaks. Too much crying can be bad for you, but in general, crying is good for you.