Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my self-harm clean streak. I’ve been feeling the need to cut it where it is…heh. I don’t want to indulge, but when it’s constantly on my mind, it’s hard to not want to reach for it. And when I think about this I start to think about going further than just self-harm. I think about places I could go so that nobody would find me. If nobody can find me than nobody will know what I’ve done, or are doing, to myself, right? I think about what I could bring with me so that it happens fast and painless. Wanting my wrist to look like a barcode is one thing, but wanting to just end it all? That’s when I knew I needed to make a post. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to bleed. But I keep getting called back to that way of thinking. I feel like soon I won’t be able to help myself. I’ll “blackout”, so to speak, and not remember doing it. That’s what happened last time, and every other time. I remember the specific day I do it on, but I don’t remember the action itself. I guess I try not to pay attention to it to sort of save myself from it, even though I’m the victim of myself. It’s hard to keep away from it when I know it’ll give me some release for a small bit of time. I feel numb, but also I feel everything at the same time. I don’t know if that’s even possible, but it’s how I can describe it best. I’m sorry if I’m just rambling at this point. I don’t mean to waste your time. I just need to get this out of my head. maybe it’ll help to lessen the severity of the thoughts. I normally don’t like to be the person to ask for help when I can do it on my own, but right now I don’t think doing it on my own is very safe. Thank you for reading and I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.
EVERYONE needs help from time to time. If you are your own victim, you still deserve protection/intervention. It sounds like you’re wounded emotionally, and the SH is a diversion. Because the wound isn’t being attended to, the impulse to SH, or worse, persists, and may be becoming more intense.
Reaching out and sharing feelings couldn’t be more opposite from time wasting. It’s an expression of trust on your part, and can help you feel connected and hopeful.
My self-harm took the form of alcohol and self-neglect. I considered suicide many times, starting in childhood.
The thing that concerns me most is your reference to “blackout.” Such a thing occurs when your “wound” goes too long without being cared for. I don’t know what your status is, or your feelings about therapy are, but you need to seek help before you come anywhere close to blacking out.
I hope you keep coming here to share your feelings. If nothing else, it’ll help you realize you’re not alone.
Hello FaeTheProud 
I am sorry you have been struggling so much. Self harm is a nasty habit and one of the biggest problems with it is that it leads to suicidal thoughts and weakens your self preservation instincts. That is also what’s happening to you. I think you should seek help. There are resources on HS discord and you can also create your safety plan here on the support wall, however I think it might not be enough. You might be in the need of a professional help. A therapist would be able to help you cope and deal with your struggles. I know you don’t like to be the one who asks for help but there is no shame in asking for help when we need it. I would also suggest looking up grounding techniques. I think they really would help you. Hang in there Fae. Stay strong and stay proud
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