I can't tell him

i know that condition i’m in is serious. it’s at the point that is a make or break for my mental health. I’ve digressed into having urges to act out hurting myself. my body feels like something bad is going to happen, like i’m dying or everything around me is falling apart. its like the screeching, deafening feeling that makes you stop everything, makes you blind, makes you unable to focus.

I want to tell my husband, but i’m scared he’s going to think i’m crazy. i’m trying so hard to make it to next week when I register with BetterHelp. The time has come that i have to do something for myself. i’m so scared. i want to make the best choices for my life. I want to make my family proud. I want to be proud of myself. please make this pain stop.

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I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I’m glad you came here and reached out. With your current state of mind, it might be better to talk to someone immediately that can help. There are crisis lines, and dialing 211 can get you connected with someone pretty quickly.

You want to be proud of yourself? You are taking action. That’s reason to be proud. No doubt there are plenty of other reasons too.

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Hey @voiceless_wonder,

You will be okay. And, for what it’s worth, we here are already all proud of you. Really. It’s really strong to reach out as you do, just to share your heart without any filter. Not staying alone, even through an online community, is park of taking care of yourself. That is something you can absolutely be proud of.

I’ve digressed into having urges to act out hurting myself.

Deep inside you know you don’t deserve any harm. That’s why you reach out, that’s why you want to talk to a therapist, to your husband, and do what’s needed to make sure you stay safe.

Do you feel like those urges are more intense since you’ve decided to register to BetterHelp? Sometimes the perspective of having to do something new and difficult, also just to have to deal with a lot of uncertainty in our life, creates a lot of anxiety as well. You describe this physical feeling that something bad is going to happen and that truly resonates with how it feels for me when I’m very anxious. It feels like dying and like the world is about to collapse. It’s not always easy to identify why we feel that way, but that is something that will reduce naturally once you’ll work on the reasons behind - overall, the current stressors in your life. You are not weird, you are not crazy. You just have a lot to deal with these days, and it sounds that your body is manifesting that stress to you in ways that can seem difficult to understand at first.

Right now, you are safe. That’s a truth you can ground yourself in. Anytime those feelings and thoughts arise, remind yourelf that you are safe, that you’ll be okay, and try as much as possible to focus on your breathing. Sometimes it helps to open a window/a door and breathe fresh air, just to feel it a little more.

i’m trying so hard to make it to next week when I register with BetterHelp.

You’ll get there. And if you want, we can keep each other accountable for that goal. I’m currently in a transition and have to find a new therapist. It’s been 2 months since I haven’t seen one and I’m pushing this away. Just because the idea of doing it stresses me to the point of wanting to hurt myself. I found one that I’d like to meet, but I need to contact them. What about: we both do that next week, and we come back here to share our success? :slight_smile: I believe in you, I believe in me, I believe we can do it.

As for talking to your husband: he loves you. And even if, maybe, he won’t be able to understand what’s going on because it’s hard for you to put words on it, I’m sure he’d understand that you are going through a rough time and you need him. If you don’t really know how to describe your emotional state, explain it as you just did here. How it feels, but also just your needs/how he could support you during this difficult time. If he was going through this, I’m sure you’d prefer that he talked to you so you could, at least, be a safe presence to him at the moment. The same goes to you, friend. You deserve to be supported. If people judge, it’s only because they wouldn’t understand. But with time, support, and learning what you’re experiencing, you’d also help them to understand.

I’m sending hugs your way. Stay safe. Right now it’s the top priority. Everything else will come in due time - step by step. :hrtlegolove:

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Well, here’s to a new beginning. I bit the bullet and scheduled an appointment with a counselor from BetterHelp.com. I’m scared as hell, but I think this will be good for me. I’ve been needing a real person to talk to for a long time.

A side note: I got out for the first time in a long time last night and it felt great to hang out with my nest friend from High school. it’s like we never stopped talking. so that’s good, right?

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That’s so awesome, @voiceless_wonder. And saying “awesome” is actually such an understatement right now.

Way to stand up for yourself, for your voice and your well-being. Super proud of you, friend. Thank you so much for sharing this new step in your life with us here. That’s truly valued and appreciated. :hrtlegolove:

A side note: I got out for the first time in a long time last night and it felt great to hang out with my nest friend from High school. it’s like we never stopped talking. so that’s good, right?

Oh, that kind of friend who can make you feel like you actually never stopped talking together… sounds like you have a precious ally right there! Sharing that kind of moment is priceless. I’m so glad you had the opportunity to hang out with them.

PS - Just after reading your post, I sent an email to the therapist I found a while ago, finally. You inspired me to do so. Thank you so much. Will be waiting for an answer tomorrow and, for now, time to breathe because my anxiety is driving me crazy. :sweat_smile:

Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for your heart. May this be the beginning of a postive turn in your life, even if it’s made of discomfort at times. It’s worth it. YOU are worth it. I’m looking forward to hearing from you and about how it goes for you in times to come. We’re here for you, still and always. You are brave. You are strong. You’ll be okay. :hrtlegolove:

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I’m so happy for you. truly! thank you for giving me the courage to do something important for myself, for my health. You are an amazing person! I hope this will take an awesome turn in your life’s journey. I’m glad I was able to help in any way.

I feel excited and scared all at once. Scared to meet someone new, but excited that this is a good step for myself. (I put others before myself 99% of the time)

I say this for myself as well: Don’t be afraid or anxious. this is good. take heart in the good! =]

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Super Nervous. I’ll be meeting with my new counselor in about 15 minutes. What do I even say?

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You’ll be okay. :heart:

For a first meeting, we often have the expectation to tell them everything in less than an hour, but your therapist will not expect that from you because your life can’t be summarized in such a short time.

It will be a conversation and they’ll try to identify, with you, where you are in your life right now and what brings you to see a therapist/what you’d like to work on. It’s a first meeting to learn to know you better and you are more than allowed to share what you want, the way you want, also to ask all the questions you want. The first couple meetings are there to see how they can help you, and for you to see if you feel okay with this therapist.

Keep in mind that it’s not a performance - only a discussion. Easier said than done, I know, but once you’ll get through the first minutes of awkwardness, you’ll feel more confident to talk.

As a start, maybe you could refer to your first post here. You mentioned being aware that your condition is serious, that you need help - even if you don’t necessarily know how yet. Be honest with how you feel, they’ll help you to keep the conversation on. Keep in mind that they don’t know anything about you, so this is all to learn to know you better, to understand your situation and your needs. Just like when you see a regular doctor! Your have the power to give them the keys they’ll need to help you. Overall, you’ll help them help you. :heart:

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So good news and good to know news.

Everything went okay. We didn’t get to delve in, like you said. But, Some things were put into perspective for me that helps me understand myself a little better. I know we weren’t going to have all the answers on the first visit, but it feels really good to be able to talk in confidence with a person who doesn’t think I’m just crazy. They genuinely care for my well-being. I have some “homework” which is many some assessments to help her better understand where I’m at currently with self-care (which is little to none) and I filled out a sort of action plan for the “bad” days.

Now for the actual news. My counselor said definitively that I do have depression. We don’t know how deep this goes, but we assessed that I’m a “low-risk” for suicidal tendencies. That’s not to say that I never think about it, but that just means I’m not at the point that I actually want to go through with it. my positivity and morality are currently out weighing the negative side. Within the last couple of weeks I felt differently because I didn’t know.

At this point, I’m going to be setting up an appointment to test my blood for any deficiencies just to be sure if I can fix this through adding in vitamins or something necessary for my body that it isn’t already producing or not producing enough of. I’m finding that it’s feeling comforting to know for sure of what’s going on with me and this doesn’t have to be a forever battle. Today I feel encouraged and hopeful in this fact. I’m on the road to a healthy way of recovery. I’m still uncertain on how I’ll get there, but as my best friend told me today: any step toward recovery is a good step, no matter how small.

Thank you everyone. Thank you for the encouragement to find help, and for helping me to find strength in myself. Just thank you!

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Yay! There you go! Thank you so much for sharing these updates.

I’m so happy to hear that it was okay, especially since it seems that it was quite productive as well! It’s so good that you managed to talk about how you feel, also that you received this depression diagnosis. I hope you’re feeling okay with it and will be gentle with yourself as you process it. As you said already, there’s hope in the fact that recovery is possible. Once we start to put words on what’s going on, once we’re in that process of understanding a little more, it gives new perspectives and directions to follow.

As you mentioned previously that you tend to always make others a priority, I imagine that working on self-care and reflecting on what you do for yourself is going to be challenging at first, maybe even intimidating, but that’s also why it’s going to be worth it.

Proud of you, friend. This was a huge step and you did it for you! It’s a wonderful gift you are giving to yourself. You deserve it. :hrtlegolove:

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