I can't understand who I need to be

I’m an old member of this community, last I was here was 4 years ago. Now I’m a senior in HS and I am facing some slightly big problems. Warning this is very long.

I’m just gonna jump right into what’s going on. I’m loosing myself. I used to know what I was gonna do, I used to show real smiles all the time, I used to have just one personality, I didn’t lie every other word I said, and I didn’t have to hide who I was. Now I have to hide myself if I don’t want to be alone, but I feel more alone than ever and I make myself sick from it.

I’m a bisexual, native american, female who enjoys every type of music. I try to understand people the best I know how and I do my best not to judge people because I know what its like to be loved and hated for your beliefs. I have no place to judge anyone.

I come from a family that constantly contradicts themselves and just disapproves of anything different from their normal. Right now I have no one to calmly talk to about what truly bothers me. Everything I do goes against my families beliefs and it makes me disgusted with myself. I haven’t come out yet for the fear of being hated even more for straying from my family. With most natives you’re either with your family for life or their out of your life, for the most part and that’s what my family is like.

(Sorry for jumping to different ideas so quickly, I’m tired and hyped up on one energy drink.)

I have this thing were I “adopt” different personalities. Like I’ve always been moody but this is like my emotions take on personalities, sorta. I know it doesn’t make since but my sensible side has been writing most of this while my depression side typed in the link for this website. I don’t really know how to explain it. Normally my mood/personality can change in a snap and its like when my mood changes I’m another person. My main moods/personalities are Anger, the Little, and Depression while my sensible side tends to type how we feel.

Anger is very anger and tends to scare everyone away from us but she is pretty useful for annoying people. Depression, she like to have a heavy heart, sleep in class, think about mom and grandma, and makes us hate who we are. The Little is sorta a koreaboo, she likes lace, cute clothes, she pouts a lot, like to think about cute people/idols, and has been in our head the most. She’s always been a younger personality and has always been with us but now she’s really showing up and she’s getting harder to hide. My sensible side tends to show up when we think about what we are and when we think about talking to anyone about us.
But sometimes my personalities blend together to make another personality, the worst combination is Anger and Depression.

Because there is an “us” it makes me feel powerless. I haven’t been to a psychologist or doctor nothing is for certain. I want to see one but I care about my family and we can’t afford one at the moment. Since my physical health conditions are just now being treated. Plus I still need to get checked for insomnia.

I know I might be “too young to date” (a quote from my aunt and brother) but I really need something. I need someone to hold me, accept me, care for me, and tell me that I am going to be okay. I just want someone to hold my hand or a light kiss every now and then. I know I’m not the most important person ever, but it would be nice to have someone tell me I’m important to them.

I’ve lost the only 2 people who truly loved me. My mother was mean but she did love me til the day she died when I was 7. Then my Grandma knew ME. I think she knew I didn’t belong in this family but she loved me so much. I miss her so much some times. I’ve gone 10 years without my mother and 6 without my 2nd mom. They were the only people who truly loved and knew who I was, and would accept me as I am now.

My father is still alive but lives 4 states away with his girlfriend and 3 children, my younger brothers. I didn’t know they existed until 3 years ago. I always have dark thought but thought that they look up to me stops me from taking action again. Ive met them 2 times. The middle one shows me the most love and I can’t help but miss them. Knowing I’m an older sister and I can’t be there at all for them hurts me every second I think about it. I want to be in their lives so bad it hurts, but I don’t know the first thing about caring for them. I’ve always been the younger sister, not the older. I can’t care for myself so how am I supposed to care for 3 boys who think I’m amazing when I’m not?

Firstly, I love it that you want to be a big sister! Sometimes it’s in helping others we find out how to help ourselves. The biggest part about being an older sibling is being a friend. Be a friend that will love your siblings whether you’re tight with them, or your disappointed in them, or they are disappointed in you. I think you’ll be great at it!
Secondly, tell yourself “I am enough” every time you need to hear it and out loud as often as possible! It’s really made a huge difference for me. This is probably the best advice I have to offer.
Thirdly, you can’t make people accept you. You’re the only person who can do that. So going back to advice #2, tell yourself that you are enough. And if you find people that will accept you (and I believe you will!) accept them back and forgive each other when you fall short of that.
Fourth, fill yourself with positive content. I don’t know if you believe in God or gods or something like that, but personally my faith is the only sure thing that helps. I also highly recommend the Dwarf Planet book and Lewis Howes School of Greatness podcast. I thought the podcast would be stupid, but it’s full of people who have been through the worst things people can, and they tell how they grew from it!
Lastly, be careful what kind of music you listen to. When I’m down, all I want to listen to is “I’m Fucked Up” by The Amity Affliction, but all that does is make me believe I’m fucked up. You know what I mean? Make sure you listen to things that inspire hope in you!

Also, I’m so sorry you feel like you can’t trust your family with this. That sounds like the worst part of it.

One more thing: I strongly advise against finding a significant other right now. Couples should encourage and comfort each other, but it’s kind of toxic to draw meaning and your view of yourself from each other. Even if you fall madly in love, there will be seasons where you won’t be happy with each other. You have to fight to stay together, everyone does at some point. And if this person is keeping you afloat, that’s going to be super hard.
On the other hand, if you split up the disappointment can be devastating. I didn’t date anyone until I was 22. Shortly after I broke up with my first girl friend, I fell in love with someone. We dated for a few months but I started 2018 with her calling things off. I thought I was very mature and could handle it. Her reasons were good, it’s not like she wanted to, and I am a grown man. But it almost killed me. My emotions ran wildly away from me and I damaged relationships and even lost my job because of it.
I’m not saying that will happen to you, but relationships usually bring more pressure into your life than anything else. They’re every bit as good as people say they are, but they’re so much more work than you’d think.

Yeah. The thing is I can be a different person within a second. One minute I could be the perfect understanding, somewhat positive person to a self hating, depressed person the next. I don’t know if its some kind of bipolar or what. I want to get help but my aunt doesn’t want to be told something’s wrong with me cause then that makes me like my older brother, in her eyes, a failure.
I know a relationship isn’t the right thing right now, but I just want something small and innocent.

I’m sorry, that’s not fair to you at all. Is your dad someone you can talk to about it?

Not really. I’ve tried to tell him slowly, by starting with things like “I’m so exhausted” or “I’ve had a very tiresome day”. Since all we do is text he only ever replies with cool or proceeds to tell me about what he’s doing with my little brothers. So I don’t think I can rely on him for emotional support, and it doesn’t help that he lives 3 states away and we’ve only seen each other in person about 5 times.