I cave in to my impulses

I message my friend, I try in my emotional mind not to make her feel guilty. I did told her I miss her a lot and I told her I been feeling depressed. Also, I told her I was use by other people in my life and that school teacher told I will not friends or girlfriend.

She did respond ,saying been dealing with a lot and that saying I’m sorry you feeling a lot of sadness. She still need space.

Lately, some people telling that she been using me. I know they are trying to help, but it only put in very dark place. To point I want lash out on my friend. I thinking post about how she a terrible person.

I hate people telling I being use by her. It not that I want believe in lie, but I don’t want to be blind another lie.

One I do know, that our friendship got complicated. I might wrong, but I do feel she does feel bad that I’m hurting. I think she feel that does not want to leave me on and that she letting go.

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She’s being kind to you, so I doubt that her priority is to use you. I don’t think your friends are being terribly helpful by acting like they can read her mind in order to decide she’s using you.

I think I’d pretty much bet my life that she’s not a terrible person.

Listening to others at the wrong time is a way to cause yourself to be blind. The truth is, no one’s in a better position to recognize her true intentions than you are. I think your friends are rationalizing that it’s better to feel angry than hurt, so they’re nudging your thoughts towards anger. So, they’re trying to be helpful in a very unhelpful way.

BTW, it’s possible to re-program impulses in a positive direction. For example, it may be an impulse to be suspicious when meeting a stranger, but the mind can be conditioned to feel open hearted instead. Some people deserve suspicion, but it doesn’t take long to figure out who they are. By not being automatically suspicious, you’re opening the door to many more positive interactions and possible friendships.

Feel an open heart when you talk to your friend. Listen to her thoughtfully. Even if she really is a horrible person and rejects you, you’ll still feel better about yourself.

A courageously open heart is a thousand times stronger and more resilient than an insecure or fearful one.

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Sounds really hard to be vulnerable with this friend but then to have them not feel as invested in you as you hoped them to be. It is not like they are terrible or replied poorly, but they did not match the care you hoped from them, and it makes you feel embarrassed because it feels like others think she is using you. So not only do you hope for more from her but it feels like she is making you look the fool to your friends. Both things make you hurt, which makes you want to lash out. But really underneath that, you just want her to care for you like you care for her. Navigating these feelings is hard, because it feels like there is pressure for your reputation to solve it quickly or break things off, but part of you does not want to address it because it means she could truly reject you. Just a lot of emotional angles here. I feel for you friend. Thank you for sharing here. I believe pausing to be intentional about how you want to handle your heart and hers is the right move, and you are showing that by taking time to write here. Well done.

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It sounds like you’re looking for a couple things, and she is the preferred person to do it. She needs space, because she too has a lot of thoughts and emotions to go through. But she is still there :slight_smile: she hasn’t abandoned you, she hasn’t told you to go away. She still cares, she still answered your message, but she’s working on herself now, and she needs that,

The people around you sound like they’re not really being helpful. There is no evidence that she used you. It is easy to go back and think about stuff and start to negatively reinterpret them, but that’s not fair to you or your friendship.

I wanna say that 1) you were brave for opening up about your feelings to her.
2) You have been trying really hard to give her space and let her do her thing, while you’ve been struggling too with that space.
3) you’re hurting and you want her to see that, and have her comfort you and reassure you.
Think of it as a balloon. All the negative stuff is like the air inside the balloon, feeling like it’s going to pop and then everyone will be aware of it. but the balloon is a very strong thing, it’s can withstand the pressure from inside, even if it feels difficult and it hurts a lot.
I hope that talking to your therapist, and posting here will help the balloon slowly start to deflate a little bit.
Exploding and yelling at her and posting online to get her attenton or make her feel bad is like the balloon popping, and we want to keep the balloon intact.

She does care. I know it would be really great to have her be able to say that clearly and loudly to you, but she’s showing you how much she values your friendship. I know you know she cares about you… And I know the pain inside is challenging that every single second. Keep talking through it, give her some time, we’re here. You’re not a bad person, she’s not a bad person.

Be strong, @Metalskater1990 , it will get better. :hrtlegolove:

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