Everything has been so hard lately. It’s been almost two years since my sister died and i don’t know how to cope any other way than cutting. Anytime i try to think of better ways to cope, my stupid brain tells me that i just need to cut again, so i do. I know she wouldn’t want me too, but i can’t think of any other ways. I just want to stop cutting for her. My self harm has ruined so much in my life, i just want be okay like she always wanted for me. It’s ruined all of my relationships, friendships, everything. I just need it all to stop.i can’t keep living this way
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Hey friend.
I don’t know if this would be significant to you or not, but I remember what you posted before and how much losing your sister has been painful for you. I lost a sibling too. My big brother, 3 years ago. I understand how much learning to compose with their absence is difficult, yet we also want to make them proud of ourselves by pushing through, bettering ourselves, taking steps further.
You are not failing because you’ve been struggling, friend. Grief is one of the most violent and brutal experiences that human beings can experience. We are not necessarily equipped to deal with the abrupt reality of loss. So our mind wanders and we look after ways to cope, which can be sometimes unhealthy and destructive, but still feel like a quick fix when emotions are too intense.
How you feel makes sense. And breaking down a habit of self-harm is a slow process. It takes time to unlearn the need to turn to self-harm, and it takes time to replace it by coping mechanisms that would be healthier. You are not failing your friends and your family. You are not failing your sister either. You are human. And you are struggling. Through all of this, it’s okay to give yourself the grace and compassion you deserve. It wouldn’t be a way to give up and say that it’s okay to hurt yourself. Only that it’s okay to have a hard time right now.
Cutting is not a fatality and willing to stop this habit is incredibly powerful. It’s the first step to heal, friend. But you will also need to learn to do it for yourself too.
May I ask what are your resources right now? In terms of people supporting you, but also practical resources too. As a suggestion, I would highly recommend you to have a look at the workbook ReWrite, if you haven’t yet. It really is a good guide to heal from self-harm, but also to involve your loved ones in your healing journey as well, to help them help you.
I’m proud of you for not giving up. You will be okay, friend. This is a journey with many ups and downs. And through it all, you are not alone. 
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