I d9nt know anymore(tw suicide feelings)

[Moonflower]

I my mental state has been worse and worse in the past few months since last year. I am struggling every day crying more and more and nothing ever gets better.
Everything I do is a waste. I absolutely hate my job and feel like I’d rather kill myself than ever go back after being away for 2 weeks because of an ankle issue. They promised me a transfer to a differentdepartmentthat will never come becausethey have to find a replacementthat will never come becausewe don’t hire anyone. I’ve been uncontrollable crying for months.

I’ve been lying for months to my doctor about taking my meds, they started giving me horrible side effects so I stopped taking them. This would be the 7th failed medicine so I can’t even process medicine right. All the therapists in my area are the worst. My friends don’t care about me. If I died no one would even notice ny mother would be upset only because it’d make her look like a bad mother. The only one who’d care is my girlfriend she’s the only one I want to live for but I want her to be free of me to be happy.

I feel like there’s no light at the end of this tunnel. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[LiveResponse]

From: Ash (Discord)

I am so sorry you are struggling through this. It does sound to me like your mental health is taking a toll on not only you but the job you have and the life you desire to have. Have you talked to your boss about the idea of the transfer happening or if they have plans to hire someone maybe open that door wider and say that hey I might know someone interested to confirm they are actually looking for someone. I dont know what type of job you have but lots of people are looking for work right now. As for the doctor and the meds I do want to encourage you to not see it as a failed med but rather a med that hey it didnt do what it was best for and we still have others to try. We cant give up even if we fail 7 times as what if the 10th or 8th or what not is the right one. The next med could be the one that works. It could be the best suitable one for your needs. Do not loose faith and hope that something out there will help. I also like to say meds are only a tool that are in our tool belt we need to also find other things like the best food for us, the best set up for us. The best idea of what sleep we need. I have been told hey if you are struggling change up how your room looks make a change make it different. Dont just sit at the same thing. So your daily activity change it up maybe to build you up too be able to find some joy. Perhaps volunteer at a local animal shelter or food bank too help you brighten that sadness. There is so much in your world that at the moment you may be unable to see. What is one joy or good thing that happened too you. So far for me today its the fact I had a wonderful snuggle session with my pup on our couch. Find those even tiny steps to help you through the day. Sometimes what we miss is the tiny things rather than the big ones.

[LiveResponse]

From: Night/in/gale (Discord)

Hey there Moonflower! So glad to have to here with us today ! It sounds like there’s a lot going on for ya at the moment, and I’m sorry it’s feeling like a bit of a never ending tunnel of darkness. I must say that while it does feel easier to lie to the doctor about meds, they are there to try and help you the best they can. If you tell them the truth, I highly doubt it’s a situation they’re strangers to, and they would be able to redirect you to meds that will work better. There is always hope, even if there doesn’t seem to be any! And we would care and miss you very much if you were to go, as would your girlfriend. If she’s still there beside you, even though you’re going through a rough patch, she’s there to stay and she wants to see you get better! The best I can suggest is that you take a bit of time to centre yourself again, find something you enjoy doing or perhaps a new hobby you could try (maybe even with your girlfriend!) Make sure you take plenty of time for yourself and get lots of fresh air to clear your mind up. Take each day as it comes, don’t sweat what tomorrow is going to bring! You have a whole community behind ya and we care for you and would love to help in anyway we can . Stay strong, stay safe, you’ve got this!