Hello HeartSupport Community,
first oft all i apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes as my native language is german. I will try my best tho!
In 5th grade, after switching from primary school to a highschool, i started to get uncomfortable talking in class. I was afraid to lift my hand to answer the teachers questions. If i was not a 100% sure i knew the correct answer i would not try to give any solutions or share my own opinion just because i was afraid of my class mates thoughts about what i am saying. Even tho i knew nobody give a sh** about it. So well, my marks got worse and worse and i started to struggle keeping up in class. I denied switching to an easier school because i KNEW i could do better.
Soon i noticed that all my school friends i had at primary school found other friends and i was not included anymore. Fine for me. Lets find some new friends. I had the feeling that everyone in class seemed to be one of the “cool” kids and i am kind of left over. Last picked for groups etc . I never understood why. I was fighting for every friendship but lost them all.
As i got older my selfmade problems got worse affecting also my health. Just leaving my house to get the school bus made my stomach drive crazy. Actually I started missing the bus almost every day (“sorry dad i overslept”) but for real, i was just laying in bed hoping nobody would come to wake me, but ofc they would. And they got angry every time. Infact i would have reacted the same way. At this point my parents had no idea about whats going on but i also couldnt explain it. What was i supposed to say?
The next phase of axciety was the worst. I was too afraid to disappoint my parents that i took the school bus every day but i ended up sitting in the schools basement waiting for time to pass so i could get back home. I could stand right infront of my classroom but i could not enter. As i started missing classes my marks got worse then they ever been and my parents noticed that of course. I still couldnt tell them what my problem is as i didnt understand it myself. I had no reason to be afraid and i know i still dont have. Long story short: I quit school after 11th grade because i was now ofc not good enough anymore after not showing up to school for months.
I got a job and moved away for one year. i was getting along with everyone and had a good time mostly. Back home after a year I started working and even gave another school a new try. since then i’ve lost every single job i had and ofc i didnt finish school there either.
With every step i am taking in my life i am not only thinking about myself but every other person crossing my way.
My mum asked me to come shopping often, but picking something in the store that I like was impossible for me. What is the person at the other end of the store thinking about the shirt i would like to try on. I was just walking behind my mom like a zombie saying no to everything she offered me even tho i liked it. Today i can do all this by myself or with my mum. I still keep thinking about the others but i dont care that much anymore.
Its totally diffrent with other people tho. I couldnt even eat at mcdonalds if i had to select the food myself. For years i didnt touch any food when other people then my parents were around even tho i was hungy. Am i eating too much? Do they like what i picked for dinner? And so on… my mind just cant stop thinking.
I still struggle with eating infront of strangers. For about one year i couldnt eat anything my boyfriend was cooking for me. (And he is a cook so believe me his food is amazing) I could see the disappointment in his eyes when he was bringing me food and he noticed i didnt touch anything over and over. But he kept making some just in case one day i will eat from it. His biggest wish of his is to go to a restaurant with me just once but i just cant…
One day he rent(ed) a restaurant just for us two. he even arranged that there will be noone coming to pick up orders so i had nothing to be afraid of. Just him and me. I couldnt. I left him at the restaurant and went home crying. I so badly wanted to go but every cell in my body was screaming “dont do it, get away” - I can now eat with him (another year later) as long as we are all alone at home.
At my place i am eating just normal, dont worry, i even eat too much i think
As i said earlier i lost every single job i had. They often even last for a year and i am happy about doing a great job until… one mistake made by me or one person making a weird comment turns into running away. Calling ill often or for a long time is not untypicall for me at all.
Apart of those fears i noticed that i HATE people being happy. In fact i am activly trying to destroy other peoples happyness. And mostly i detroy the people that are closest to me, like my boyfriend. Every time he is coming home with good news about anything i keep overreacting in a bad way. I get angry inside because i hate people for being happy, for having what i for some reason am not allowed to be.
I can absolutly not be friends with females anymore. even tho i am really kind and friendly at t he outside i feel nothing but hate for so many people. I know i am just jealouse but i cant stop it.
Sleep is also a big and not excisting thing in my life. There are times i stay up for 2,5 days and after those i sleep for 20 hours straight and the other way around. Falling asleep is hard because my brain keeps working and working. thinking about the present, the future and about all the people i keep disappointing. I recently overslept my grandmas birthdayparty (at 7PM). i never apologized for that. when i got up that day at 11PM i saw a whatsapp from her saying “dont forget my party is today at 7pm” and i started crying. i love my family but i keep pushing them away to not disappoint them and myself. they love me so incredible much and try to help me and i can feel all that but i cant make them happy. i think after losing my last job in may they kinda gave up on me. or atleast about me having a safe and nice job some day. getting a job has never been a problem, i am good looking and i am a good actor but keeping them is the real problem. at some point i get afraid of my boss or certain people on my team or customers or whatever.
Oh, I ofcourse went to the doctor already even when i was 14. I had pills called opripram or sth like it for the night and citalophram for the morning. didnt help anything.
Now that i dont have a job anymore the thoughts are killing me, keeping me awake, it feels like i am deathly tired and exhausted but my head is having the party of his life and wants to stay fully awake.
Sometimes i stay up all night because i am afraid to oversleep in the morning. not on purpose but as soon as i fall asleep i know i wont hear any alarms and if i do i turn them off and keep sleeping.
my sleeping schedule atm is like sleeping from 8am till 8pm. it doesnt matter if i lay in bed at 10pm or 3am i wont get to sleep until i am totally exhausted.
i am afraid to risk my realtionship at the moment because i keep being so full of hate against my boyfriend. i love him so much but i cant be happy for him or support him in whatever he does.
He knows everything abt the problems i had or have but i think he doesnt really understand. i have no empathy whatsoever for other people.
My best friends dad died - didnt touch me at all
my aunt died - i didnt care
my boyfriend is sick - i get angry (inside) and annoyed
i am not even sure what i am going for with this story but to just finish it here befor i make it even longer:
I disappoint and hurt the people i love. Why am i doing that?
If a stranger like a customer told me e.g that his wife is sick i would feel really sorry but in MY world i cant handle anything that is not about me.
Is there anyone in the world who understands anything of what i am talkiing about?
Am i suicidal just because i am thinking about the “what if…” never actually wanted to end my life but thinking about “how would my funeral be”
“is there anyone who would cry for my except my family and boyfriend” stuff like that…
also now that i havent been working in 3 months almost i feel more exhausted and tired then befor. i have the feeling that i need to rest and calm down and just be in peace and harmony but the reality is i keep thinking and crying and thinking and crying. (and hurting people and disappoint them and myself)
i didnt mean to write a book and i could go on with more weird stuff or even more extrem parts of my life but for now i think this is it… the start of my story
to be continued…