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I disassociate for most of the day and it makes me want to die

i feel really lonely currently and it sounds kinda stupid but my boyfriend is busy for a week and idk i feel like we’ll barely be able to talk and it’s upsetting me because i only ever talk to him really. essentially all i’m going to be doing for four days straight is working and then coming home to eat and sleep and then wake up for a couple hours to watch videos and then sleep and repeat. it sounds sorta stupid and privileged, but i’m just constantly disassociating and i can’t enjoy hobbies, only distractions. even while i have my boyfriend to call i feel like i’ll be stuck in this loop because i can’t move out anytime soon. my job isn’t stable enough and there are no other opportunities here to take. i will be stuck in a toxic home and i’m constantly reminded of my trauma because i live here. i always have to tip toe around my family and never cause anything even just the slightest “oh no there’s a tiny mess on the counter that i will be picking up but apparently not as fast as they’d like” will cause shit. i just idk i feel stuck and it’s like “oh just wait a little while longer” but i’ve been telling myself that for years and as a kid i was like “just 18 and i can leave” but no the world doesn’t fucking work like that obviously so i just feel disappointed and like i’m wasting my life away just hiding and disconnecting from reality. my ocd and intrusive thoughts are controlling me and i can’t even enjoy a distraction fully because my brain will tell me i don’t deserve it because i’m a disgusting human. and to top it off even just dressing the way i want isn’t a thing because i will be called a girl : ))) even after i correct people. i’m so tired of people just killing my self esteem. i am just a trans guy who like to wear cute clothes?? idk i get no enjoyment out of things anymore so i guess that doesn’t really matter anyway.

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@limeytea

Hey friend,

Thank you so much for sharing and being here.

What you’re experiencing, how you’re feeling, isn’t stupid at all. It’s entirely valid and it’s just what it is for the moment. And it totally makes sense. Being stuck in a toxic environment is difficult and it can really impact your well-being. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through right now, but I can relate to what you said : “just 18 and i can leave”, because that’s something I’ve repeated to myself again and again when I was a kid. Thinking about going somewhere else one day was a way to cope and escape - in my mind - while I was growing in a toxic environment. It’s hard when you are waiting for changes in your life that doesn’t arrive yet. It makes you feel like you’re not truly leaving and you start wondering what’s the point to even try. I get that.

You’re not a disgusting human. But there are circumstances, traumas that make you think this. And when we’re suffering, there’s often a huge difference between how we see ourselves and how reality is. Also hiding and feeling disconnected are ways to cope, ways for your mind to protect yourself while you’re struggling in an unhealthy environment. It’s not yout fault. And it’s not meant to be like this forever friend.

Yes, you matter. But it takes time to take a step out of this kind of circle. Letting yourself drowning while your boyfriend is away isn’t a fatality though. Solitude doesn’t have to become loneliness. Maybe you can try to think about what you can add or change in your routine when you come back from work, even really small things. As long as it makes you feel great, relaxed and as long as it remains healthy to you. You deserve to take care of yourself friend, nothing less.

Because of depression, there are those moments when I can’t enjoy anything as well, and even hobbies just feel like automatic activities. And to break this pattern, I try to add something new or change one thing I do everyday, then the next day it’s something different, … Step by step. Sometimes, it’s only about organizing one or several furnitures differently, just to have the feeling of entering in a new place when I go there. Other times it would be about changing what I do just before I go to sleep. I’m aware that it’s not a lot, and it doesn’t solve everything. But it is still something you can do for yourself, starting from now. Maybe it could be worth it to give it a try?

Hang in there. You matter. You are loved. :heart:

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i really appreciate this, makes me feel better about how i’m feeling :slight_smile: i’m going to try doing some of those things, thank you!

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