I don’t know how to be me, in about all actuality. I was raised to have a very poor self esteem and low self confidence. Basically to the point where I just pretended to be what “that member” of my family wanted me to be…and I was never able to stop pretending. I’m a walking lie of myself. It caused extremely bad imposter syndrome in every facet of my life, where I can never be accepting of people’s relationships or love, I can never accept appreciation for my work without doubling down to be better. It has just caused so many issues in my life. Bad enough that I hurt someone very important to me and I will live with that guilt my entire life. I have started to seek counsel but I feel that I am too far gone to be able to help myself or anyone I care about or anyone I have hurt.
I have no strong relationships with friends or family and don’t real feel I have anyone to turn too or have anyone help me through what I’m experiencing. I feel really alone because of everything I have done and I don’t know where to start to try and pick up any of the pieces.
Music has been the only help and playing guitar has been keeping me sane at least.
You have actually taken a huge first step in realizing that you’ve been pretending. Unfortunately, our culture virtually demands that we pretend in order to conform to social expectations. It sounds like you have been raised in a family in which you can’t feel comfortable being yourself. I was raised – to the extent that I was raised, in a very similar way. Having to pretend suggests to the mind that who we are is in good enough. As a result, poor self-esteem is pretty much inevitable.
It does sound like therapy could be very helpful. The challenge for you will be to accept the reality that you have suppressed your authentic self in order to meet the expectations of others. Your authentic self is far better than any person you have pretended to be.
A person with low self-esteem who has accomplished something worthwhile is extremely likely to feel like an imposter if that accomplishment is acknowledged. In this, I’m speaking from a great deal of experience. That’s why you can not “accept appreciation” for your work. It doesn’t have to be that way for you, but it will require that you develop a more realistic self-image.
I don’t know where to start to try and pick up any of the pieces.
That’s why I really believe that counseling can help you.