Everything was going alright until I got triggered and was reminded of bad things I’ve done in my life. I hate myself and want to apologize for the sorry excuse of a person I am. I deserved everything I had coming for me. I asked for it.
I have dreams and goals but I don’t feel adequate enough to go after them. I feel too much like a loser.
Every time I think I’m making progress, I crash and go into self destructive mode. Emotionally I feel like a monster.
I’m an exotic dancer at a club (please don’t judge me). Sometimes I don’t mind it. I like being my own boss and dressing pretty . It’s actually nice since I’m bipolar and can stay home if I’m having mental health problems (I quit three jobs this past year due to emotional highs and lows)but other times I just feel stuck and I’m never gonna leave. Today is one of those days where I feel like I don’t deserve anything else. I can’t stop crying. I wish someone would wipe me out so I’m gone.
I’ve been reading the messages you posted on the suport wall for a few months now, and just by what you shared with us I can tell that you made a lot of progress in this journey towards your own well-being and self-care. I hope you can see this and be proud of yourself just like I do.
Yes, there are moments of doubts, moments when you might need to slow down. We all make mistakes and we all did things that we didn’t want/meant. And for many different reasons. Maybe you made mistakes yesterday but today you’re not the same person already. You’re constantly growing, learning, progressing. Even through the most difficult experiences.
Learning to acknowledge your past and to forgive yourself will probably be part of your personal journey. Because entering in a self-destructive mode isn’t a healthy way to react. You are not a monster. You don’t have to apologize for being here. You deserve the good, nothing less.
Also you won’t ever be judged here for what you do. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I also did a job I wasn’t proud of when I was a young adult, even though it was for different reasons. I still feel ashamed about that yet I would never accept anyone’s judgment, 'cause it would just be the result of some ignorance. So just… no worries for sharing about that here.
I hear what you say about the practical aspects of being your own boss, but as you mention that sometimes you feel like you “don’t deserve anything less”, I’d like to ask you: how do you feel generally about your job? I mean, the practical aspects are important, but how you perceive your job and how you perceive yourself doing this is also important, because it can have an impact on your self-confidence.
And just to be clear, no matter what you’ve been through, no matter the “bad things” you did before, you only deserve a job that makes you feel good and comfortable, nothing less. Because your well being should always be a priority.
