I don’t even kmow

It’s 3 am, I’m drunk and I don’t know anymore. I tried something like this months ago when you first left and I had no other options but writing “letters” like this kinda helps.

It’s been 7 months, people think I’ve moved on and it’s just the past but it’s not. The last day I saw you, held you, is engrained into my memory and nothing I do lets me forget, drinking and substances don’t work, therapy makes it worse, and no matter how much I try your eyes and smile won’t leave my head. Our friends hate you now, and I don’t even know why, I don’t know how to talk about you or what happened and the fact that they only place I can talk about this is online under some username fucking kills me. I still think about you, every day, but you probably forgot about me after a month. I still don’t understand how you said you were falling for me and that you loved me then just disappeared and started ignoring me. Like I didn’t give a fuck about your flaws or your struggles like they didn’t scare me or make me think that you were too much, I mean I fucking looked after you when you got alcohol poisoning at my house then you vanished.

I think what fucks with me more is just how you don’t care, like I was just this thing that you used and threw me away like I meant nothing to you even though the things you said to me lying in this bed still happened. Fuck I don’t know, I don’t even know what I want from this but I can’t tell my friends that I still love you, that I still have your stuff that I’ve looked after with such care, that every time I wake up and go to sleep you cross my mind. I know I need to let you go but I’m absolutely terrified to forgot your face, your eyes, your smile or your voice. I know you’re living your life and doing things, I just wish I was able to be part of it.

But fuck, I just wish I could hold you again and look into your eyes and get lost in them. Ahhh fuck it probably gonna cry myself to sleep, I know I’ll never see or talk to you again but I’ll always hope. Love you P x

2 Likes

Good morning

Sorry you have such a hard time of letting go, our emotions can get the best of us when we get involve with someone we start caring for. It is normal to care and have mutial feeling we are human after all.

At the end of the day your feeling are valid and self love is very important. There can be different things that maybe he got scared and only way is to walk away. Hope on day they realize your worth.

One a day at a time is ok to fear of not wanting to forget there face , voice, smell and the time yuh spent time with one another. Is ok to feel pain, Pain heals over time. Youll find a special person one day who will show you otherwise.

Stay bless

@IDK_anymore

Dear @IDK_anymore,

I hope you managed to get some good rest after posting this. Your pain is felt. Your heart is seen. Even though it might feel strange or even ridiculous to post on an anonymous forum like here, this is definitely a safe place to share what’s on your heart anytime you need.

It’s so hard to miss someone you love, to long for the possibility to hold them again while knowing that it won’t happen. To remember all that you have lost and feel it all as if the past was just yesterday. These seven months must have felt so very painful already, and you are trying your best to survive through it. With the help of your friends, of your therapist too. It might not feel useful or even worth trying, but I can assure you that you are doing the right thing by seeking support like this. Grief is a monster that can hit you in waves, making you feel as if you’ll never be free from its grip. One month goes, then another one, then another… and it feels like there’s no relief in sight. You are right in the middle of it right now. It makes sense to feel lost, to feel the pain aching so vividly. Take it one day at a time, my friend. How you feel is valid. You are not alone. :heart: