I don’t even know why I am writing this now. I guess it’s more to just get it off my mind or to just say something. People will say “you have a good life, a good childhood, loving parents, graduated college, etc.” To them and my family they don’t see the real side of it all. Was this stuff good for me sure, but that doesn’t invalidate everything else I went through.
Adopted as a child which if anyone knows leads to a pretty screwed up life no matter what you do. Sure I went to a good family and I’m told be grateful, yet they don’t know the trauma it brings. Never feeling good enough, being a “yes man” to everything, fear of rejection, wanting to actually be loved but looking in the wrong places or messing things up so badly it ends.
Throughout middle school, high school, and college I’ve always been angry, severely depressed, and suicidal. Always comparing myself to others or to a siblings accomplishments. Always feeling different because I was. Add in an abusive event, two terrifying medical incidents, multiple deaths, religious manipulation, and being a post graduate failure it’s a recipe for disaster.
I think I wasn’t really bothered by these issues growing up, but now as an adult reality has set in. Is it all founded on real truths, probably not, but at this point any truth someone tells me I pay no mind. This year alone I quit two jobs after less than a week because of my anxiety and fear of failure. Currently jobless because I can’t work as I’ll just end up with an anxiety attack and quit. I’ve got no clue who I am or where I’m going except an early grave. Not saying I’m suicidal now, but I know it’ll happen one day. It’ll take one horrible incident that makes me snap and then it’s over. I’ve always thought I won’t live long and probably won’t see 30. How I’ve made it this far with previous attempts, drinking to cope and forget, tobacco to calm the nerves, doesn’t make sense to me.
I guess I’m just numb to this reality. I take meds, go to therapy, have family support, yet it’s not enough. It won’t stop the inevitable. Maybe that’s why I don’t care anymore. Why work a decent job when I’ll fail, why try to date again when I’m a damn depressing pessimistic guy, why try to do anything anymore.
Sure I’ve got dreams things I wan to do, but I’ll never get them. One: money is an issues and since I can’t hold a job it’ll continue to be one. Two: I’m different than my family in terms of wants and desire. They say successful career I say live life. All family/relatives nice houses, cars, families, kids, even the damn dog. Yet I’m not the same, and I wouldn’t get there anyway.
As I write this I don’t even know what I’m here for, there is no point for me. I’ll end up at some dead end job, drinking myself to sleep every night, making bad relationship decisions, and probably find some way to be disowned from the family. I just don’t even know anymore. I’m just waiting for the day it all ends, and I know it’ll come just a matter of when I can’t take it anymore.
Forgive my depressing, and sadistic post or really any of my other posts. They’re all just a means to an end I guess or someway to get it out.