I read your post several times. My heart goes out to you, friend. Thank you for sharing all of this.
I am so sorry for your losses, sincerely. How you feel and the question you ask are logical, valid and natural. I’m glad you decided to express yourself. It’s so important.
I’m not going to pretend and say “I understand”, because this is your story. But your words hit home, as I too lost someone from a rare form of cancer, two years ago now. He was too young to disappear. He didn’t just happen to be dear to my heart, but was also such a beacon of light and hope in my life. Losing him in these circumstances has shaken my world and my beliefs in a very deep way. Something that people had a hard time to understand was that I had not only been grieving someone I’ve been missing so badly. There was also all of these layers of grief due to how he disappeared. Because it feels just unnatural and unfair.
I see your words. This “why?” you’re asking. And I don’t have the answers. But I do know that it’s okay to ask this. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel, even if it’s intense, even if you don’t know how to deal with all of this right now. It is unfair to lose someone you love and it is unfair to carry this love only by yourself. And it’s okay to wonder how to keep going on.
This pain that you are feeling right now is the reflection of your love for her. It shows how much you care and how important she was to you. Nothing and no one will ever delete that. Love remains. It takes many shapes, and it will keep taking many shapes in your life. It’s a journey. And every day you will keep being in this world, it will not only because she wanted the best for you. It will also be a way to honor this love, her memory and the impact she has on your life, on who you are. She keeps living through you. She is part of your story.
Some days it’s chaotic, I’m not going to lie. Some days there’s just this acute pain and feeling of injustice that remains. But it won’t be your “new normal”. It won’t be omnipresent and crippling as it is now. And saying this doesn’t mean you would forget her either. Of course not.
You will learn, day by day, how to carry this love in a way that would not prevent you to live. Every time you will keep showing up, every time you will take care of yourself, it will be a way to stand up against this feeling of injustice. It will be a way to honor her and let this world know who she was. There is a quote from V.Hugo that I love dearly. He was a french poet and he adressed this to his beloved daughter whom he lost too early in life: “You are no longer where you were, but you are everywhere that I am.”
It’s why it means a lot to share all of this, and this photo. Such a beautiful face and smile, friend. You can tell the gentleness just by looking at this photo. Thank you for sharing your heart with us here, so much.
It is a major loss and a sudden change in your life. And I want you to know that you are free to speak and to express yourself every.time.you.need. There is no limit, no timeline, no good or bad way to feel. Only what you feel, and it has to be respected, without any judgment. I hope you know the Support Wall is a safe place and it will still remain. You can come here anytime you need.
Thinking of you. Rooting for you. Sending tons of love to you.