I don’t know how I’m going to keep going

I didn’t think I would ever be one to struggle with getting out of bed but I do.

I didn’t think I’d ever be one to struggle with taking care of my hygiene but I do.

I never thought I would be one to struggle with falling asleep and getting out of bed in the morning.

But I do.

All of those things I struggle with.

I am the most tired and drained physically and mentally that I have been in my whole life it feels- I don’t feel like I have ever been this bad.

When I look in the mirror all I see is a shell of my former self- my eyes look soulless and drained.

I relapsed last night and it made me think “it was only twice it doesn’t count” but it does count. So now I’m back at zero.

Yes- I know I need to work on ReWrite again. I know I need to work on Dwarf Planet- but adding that on top of the list of everything else happening in life I just think what’s even the point; I’m so tired and I know I’m the only one who can solve my problems but I am just so freaking tired.

My parents are big reasons why I don’t reach out to other resources- they don’t get it. I’m not going to try and make them get it anymore because I have tried and tried and I have come to realize that sadly some people take too much out of you to make themselves change.

My dad gets mad over the smallest things and it’s like my sister has become immune to it but I’m still affected by it, it just makes me want to shut my mouth and not talk anymore. It makes me hate myself so freaking much. I don’t really feel self hate a lot anymore, it mostly happens when my parents get mad at each other or one of them is mad for an unknown reason. That’s where my self hate is now.

On top of everything else I have to do house work, chores, which I’ve always had to do but it’s getting all that shoved in with college and homework and work and studying and being so tired I’m about to drop and break. I get to a point where it’s so much that I literally cry.

Society has disgustingly glorified lack of sleep and pulling all nighters- sure you get work done but you’re slowly killing yourself in the process. There’s a YouTuber I watch and she pulls all nighters frequently- I have become obsessed with lack of sleep; it’s sick but a part of me wanted to reach for the darkness around my eyes like it’s been set as some kind of beauty statement or medal that shows how much you’ve gotten done. I feel sick for falling to that societal view- that less sleep equals a better chance of being noticed.

Skipping out on eating because I’m “too busy” or “it won’t even hurt me”. You have to eat to live I know. It’s like I’ve just fallen for a lot of crap. Less sleep, less eating=better me.

I relapse and relapse and relapse. It’s been a cycle in all of my posts- why can’t I just freaking stop?

People don’t know how to help; I feel like I’m just draining people now and I don’t see the point in reaching out anymore. Everything takes so much work and I’m just so tired and drained.

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Lys,

#relatable

I think the most exhausting part is that nothing you’re doing is working.
The recovery effort you’ve put in isn’t working – you’re still relapsing.
The school work you’re doing isn’t working – your parents are still unimpressed.
The lack of eating/sleeping isn’t working – it makes you feel even worse about yourself.
The reaching out isn’t working – you feel like a burden.

It just feels like everything you’re facing has no solution and therefore has no hope.
And if it’s always going to be this shitty, you don’t know how you’re going to keep going.

I woke up this morning after relapsing twice last night with so many of the same thoughts you’re facing racing in my mind…I felt absolutely buried by shame. Feeling like a total failure. Feeling embarrassed of myself. Disgusted with myself. Stuck and stuck being stuck. And all these thoughts swirled and started to swallow me, and I just snapped… I realized – this is total bullshit. There’s no way this can be the truth about me. I’m giving my best in life and in my recovery, and I’m not there yet, but “being there” can’t define my value. It just can’t. I called those thoughts what they were: total bullshit. And I said, God, today I’m just going to take the risk and believe what you say is true about me. That I’m loved. That you see me and know me and love me and are proud of me and accept me and take joy in me and sprint to embrace me when I feel embarrassed of myself. I had been singing this song to my boys yesterday, and the words washed over me with a fresh beauty and power this morning as I needed to hear them myself:

There’s no shadow you won’t light up, no mountain you won’t climb up, coming after me.
There’s no wall you won’t kick down, LIE you won’t TEAR DOWN, coming after me.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, RECKLESS love of God.
Oh, it chases me down, fights till I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine.
I couldn’t earn it. I don’t deserve it. Still you give yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

–His love is chasing me down when I run away from my life and my responsibilities and relapse.
–His love fights till I’m found, fights to FIND me when I’m lost in the darkness, when I’m swallowed by the lies.
–His love leaves the ninety-nine others to come after ME, because I am that important to him.
–> and NO. I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it. AND. It’s so true…It’s a risk to believe because it doesn’t make sense considering what we feel about ourself and our own performance and our own beliefs…but it’s the truest thing about us – we are loved…overwhelmingly, recklessly. In process, in the not yet, in recovery, in not even trying during our recovery, in relapse, in sobriety, in shame, in awkwardness, in everything.

Today, Lys, I challenge you to call the lies what they are – they’re total bullshit.
Take the risk to believe the truth – you are overwhelmingly and recklessly loved…by a God who sees you in and through it all and says, “Yes. She is my daughter. And I could not be more proud to call her my child. She is my delight, my beloved, my whole heart. She is the best I could have made her, and I take all of her. I choose all of her. Exactly as she is. I love all of the things about her that make her who she is – the good things, the awkward things, the quirky things, the crazy things, and all of the things that have been broken up along the way. I’ll bind them up in time; and in the meantime, my love is all the more unshakable. I’m wild about her.”

Will you release the lies and embrace the truth? Just for today. Take the risk with me.

-Nate

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Hey Lyss,
I’m so so sorry man… that’s really rough. Relapse is part of recovery and it is something we who have all been addicted to something will face. I’m so proud of you for keeping clean for however long it was, that’s incredible and such a hard thing to do and you should be proud of that!

Putting on a mask or a front to hide from others that you are sad is such a tiring thing, acting is exhausting and I really really feel for you friend.

My parents are a lot like yours. End of the day they will fight and they will argue, it’s stressful but they love you unconditionally. Some people won’t be able to empathise or understand as they’ve never been in your positions before, I understand that making people see that you are not okay is hard work, almost as much as hiding how you really feel, but keep on trying eventually they will start to see things through your eyes.

Your parents arguing is not your fault. Please don’t feel guilty for that. If you feel that a situation is about to rise and an arguement is about to happen remove yourself from there, it may sound selfish but you need to put yourself first. It is not your job to be peace maker, put your feelings first.

I agree society has a warped way of looking at many things including eating disorder and lack of sleep. This is really really unhealthy for you and if you feel that lack of sleep is getting to you maybe you could see a doctor who could maybe prescribe something to you.

I understand you are stressed and worried about many things happening in your life, but your health (mental and physical) needs to come first.

I love you unconditionally friend and you are NOT a burden!!!

You have helped me personally when I was too afraid to post on the wall, and you have no idea how much that means to me, you are consistently on here, commenting and helping other people. You are so kind and so caring!

I know sometimes it’s hard to see but you are amazing and you are loved and you are worth it.

I really hope you feel better soon.

Hold fast,
Luna :heart:

Little Potato,

I’m at work, so I don’t have long winded words of wisdom, but I wanted to reach out and make sure you’re alright.

You didnt fail when you relapsed, you tripped on a rock. You can absolutely get back up and keep running forward, if you need a hand we’ll help you. We got you.

This isnt “Back at Zero” today is a new day. Work on something small. Small changes, small improvements, one at a time, over and over add up. No more Zero days.

If you need to yell, yell, need to cry, cry. Need to vent, you know where to find us.

In the mean time, if you just want to turn off your mind and smash faces while I sing Miley Cyrus and swing around as a robotic hamster, theres also always that.

Hold Fast, and never ever hesitate to reach out. You’re one of the coolest kids I know. Never forget it.

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I have tried that here and there- letting go of the negatives, all the hate I have for myself- and it’s good for a period of time, then I fall back down the hole of hatred once again.

I do admit I have to try again, because that is like the only pathway to help with getting over the hatred I have for myself, but it’s like quitting watching a movie because you can already see what happens in the end- I know that once again I’m going to fall and this whole cycle will start again.

I have to keep trying I know, it’s just hard being around people who just knock you down all the time, or being around someone who makes you anxious and scared whenever they are around.

All the noises trigger me like keys clanking and when my dad slams them on the counter- cabinet doors slamming. Everything- just not with everyone. Only when my parents do those things is when it is too much.

Another thing is I don’t know how to strengthen my relationship with God- I don’t know where to start. I do believe in a higher power but I just don’t know how to get anywhere; I used to pray but that didn’t last long. I just don’t know.

That what a ranger but oh well. Thank you for your reply Nate, I truly appreciate it.

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Thank you for your response friend, I truly appreciate it.

I think a big part of me can understand that I’m loved and important and all those good things, but the hard part is feeling the same way about myself.

For instance yes I know everyone who has replied to my post loves me so therefore I am loved- but I can’t fond that love for myself, if that makes sense.

Thank you again friend; love you. Hold fast.

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Thank you for your response friend I truly appreciate it.

I guess it does make sense to see relapse as not day zero- I guess in the moment I just get lost in the hatred I have for myself- like why did I do that.

Today I almost got in a car accident (almost, everyone is fine) but I was like gosh damn why didn’t I stop? I’m so stupid. I deserve to die; so in the moment all those thoughts came forward and in that moment I was like the scum of the earth.

After that I was driving and my anxiety told me everyone knew what happened and they all thought I was a stupid terrible person- then I started to wish even more to die; like my anxiety was a catalyst to my already apparent feelings.

My anxiety has been so terrible the past week and it just makes a lot of things worse.

Today when I was driving home my hands were going numb and tingly and my body was slowly becoming tingly and it hurt honestly.

Thank you for your response again; love you. Hold fast.

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I completely understand what you mean. I struggle with that too, maybe try the advice you have to me.

My friend writes positive post-it notes and sticks them on her mirror so every time she looks she sees some positive…

Maybe try that?
I’m really sorry if this isn’t any help. I truly look up to you and how much time you spend on here helping others.

I really really do hope this all gets better soon.
Love you friend,
Hold fast,

Luna :heart:

I will try that- I truly do appreciate your advice. It does help.

Love you. Hold fast.

I get that feeling. LIke… with that life I had growing up, I would get so mad I would literally go numb, and tingly, and lightheaded.

The key to remember is its all moments. Thats it. Moments. They will pass. They will be gut wrenchingly terrible and pitch black, but we keep pushing on and they pass.

I say it all the time. Our lives are a story and we get to fill the pages.

Who wants to read “Dave was born, his life was awesome, nothing bad ever happened, The End” ?

Nobody.

Every story has darkness in it, it has challenges. The hero OVERCOMES adversity, and troubles be they internal an external. This is the heroes journey. You are the hero of your story, and a hero to so many in this community.

I will never say it will be easy, or that you should just let it go. I will say if you push through that darkness, and lean on friends be they online or off to help you through, you can make it to the next page, and that chapter? The chapter after the darkness of your own mind? Let me tell you, it’s pretty dope.

Its just hard to see because you haven’t gotten there yet.

Lyss, my beautiful, talented friend,

It is hard to be a sensitive person when others around you are less so. Things that are overwhelming don’t even register to other people, and they often don’t understand there even IS a problem. Worse sometimes is how it feels like in Horton Hears a Who, like you are shouting as loud as you can asking for help, and other people can only perceive a very faint “peep”! I don’t understand why humans are calibrated so differently but it sure seems to be a thing. I hear you, we hear you and love you exactly as you are: tired, relapsed, in or out of bed, serene, anxious, coping or not coping you are still loved and are an amazing, articulate, person of worth.

Stress is such a trigger for relapse, for me, because what I am relapsing with is a coping mechanism. It’s not a good one, and I try to make better choices, but survival is the key thing. You are dealing with a lot of stress right now: college, job, parents who are not coping well with their own lives or are taking out their insecurities on you because the more responsible and capable you show you are, the less you need them to take care of you. That’s a change that some parents find subconsciously terrifying even as they are telling you - and wanting you -to grow up and take care of yourself. Sometimes the new coping skills you have aren’t enough yet, so you use the old ones and relapse. Next time the new skills will work longer and better. It is important to celebrate clean time but it’s also important to celebrate alive time, of whatever state, because that is the ultimate goal.

Love you, Lyss, Hold Fast.

Totally understand the movie bit. I would say it’s a bit of a misperception though…

While it might FEEL like the same movie, you are changing, the movie is getting different each time you loop, it’s just hard to notice while you’re in the thick of it. Each time you cycle – each time you let go of self-hate – you’re incrementally getting better. It’s much more helpful than just embracing self-hate as your fate / doom. You’re rewriting the movie as you go, little bits at a time.

Would you be open to exploring a relationship with God? If so, I can DM you about it. If not right now, no sweat

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Thank you for your reply friend- I truly appreciate it.

I appreciate your juxtaposition with Horton Hears a Who- it makes a lot of sense.

I love you friend, and I truly appreciate you.

Hold fast.

I guess seeing it in that light does make sense; it is true that it’s hard to see that though when I’m in the middle of struggle.

I am interested in exploring a relationship with God, just to see. I hope that it would be an avenue I am interested in going down but I am also struggling with seeing that aspect of a higher power.

Thank ou for your reply’s Nate. I appreciate you.

Hold fast.

Yeah, I guess that is a good way to see it. It’s true it is just hard in the middle of fighting the bad thoughts.

Thank you for your reply’s Zero. I appreciate them and I appreciate you a lot. Love you friend.

Hold fast.

I’ve been there. Not quite the same, but the sleep and fatigue and hygiene thing, coupled with deep depression and anxiety.

You’re NOT the only one who can help yourself. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy and our own advice to ourselves and self-critisism is not always either correct or healthy (and often isn’t).

You clearly need a very good counsellor.

I am seeing a new one today myself, because I just cannot cope with my problems on my own anymore.

I am having to pay for it, but it’s too important to neglect seeking helping and prucial to things getting better.

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