I lost my mom to cancer almost a year ago. I was her primary caretaker until she passed in April 2021. It’s coming up to a year and I sometimes feel like it happened recently. I’ve been suffering with depression for a long time since my 20’s. I’m 45 now and I don’t know what to do or how to move forward. I’m on medication but my doc suggested I also try psychotherapy. I’ve been afraid to try. I had an appointment last week but I canceled it at the last minute. Part of me needs someone to help me but at the same time I feel an immense sense of apathy about everything. I’ve been suffering in silence for a long time. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer for the second time I stuffed everything I was dealing with in the back of my mind. It was easier to focus on her than it was to confront how I was dealing with. Now that my mom is gone, I’m faced with dealing with her loss and all the emotions I’d stuffed away over the years. I’m just feel lost without her. It’s as if I’m seeing everything through someone else’s eyes. I’ve given up on living. I don’t have friends anymore and I can’t lean on my family. I don’t know how to get out of this hole I’m in.
I told a friend who lost their dad that they spent so much time care giving that they didn’t spend time being with them. Sometimes it’s easier to just be a caregiver and at the end the guilt hangs over you that you should have done more, but it takes a strong person to do what you have. To love someone and help them through their darkest hour. She would have loved ever moment with you.
The apathy is understandable, you don’t want to feel this hurt and pain. I can’t blame you.
It’s so easy to shut down, but sometimes there’s a longing for help. And you deserve that. You deserve care and love. You did something most people couldn’t.
First off I want to thank you for coming and sharing all the things right now that feel so hard on you. I have gone through loss but not of my mom. I want to say that loss and grieving is a super long process. It is also very tough for many to totally stop missing or grieving that loss when it is someone like your mom or specific family like this.
So I know that it has just been a year so please be nice to yourself over the fact that this is not going to be easy to deal with. The strength it takes to go through loss is so hard. Something that was suggested to me is the fact that finding away to celebrate them and or the life of them. What was something your mom loved. Perhaps do that. Rather than morn them create the idea of a celebration to them on that day.
I am again so sorry you are feeling like this. As for the mention of therapy I do agree it would help as grief is so tough and is piles of things all in one aspect. And as it sounds you also have stuff you buried. So I would suggest allowing a therapist to help. No it doesnt make you crazy and it doesnt make you any less strong it just shows that you are using the resources and help you need.
Hold fast
Ash
Hi there. I can relate to you about feeling stuck and not knowing how to move on. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I know how bad it hurts. Grief is a weird thing. There is no time frame and I believe that some wounds never heal. I know this is going to sound cliche but trust me time does help. The more time goes by it helps to lessen the hurt. I didn’t believe that at first but I am speaking from personal experience. It feels shitty waiting but let some time pass and hopefully you will start to feel better. I wish you the best and I really hope you start to feel better. Also be kind to yourself. Self care is important and can help. I wish you the best 
Thank you for your kind words. I sometimes feel like it’s too late get better, but I’m trying to hold on.
My mom was a seamstress until she retired. I’m not very creative but I’ve been considering to learn how sew. My mom was also a professional in crochet and knitting. I don’t think I can do those.
I’m terrible at self-care. I’ve given up for the most part. I know that I don’t want to continue feeling this way. I don’t want to be in my sixties still feeling this way. If I can’t figure out how to move forward then that’s it for me.
It’s never too late, and it’s okay if it’s a bit hard for you right now to figure out how to incorporate self care in the middle of everything, just know that you deserve support and space too. Everyone experiences grief differently and there’s no shame in how it affects you.
Hey I support it even if you arent the best learning and doing and taking action is a super great way to help keep motivated. I personally sew, and crochet I love so much to do that. It is a good distraction. I also know that it is not always easy to do something I know that doing and being productive is a super good way to use that sadness and hurt in the form of productivity it is good for us.
Hold fast
Ash
From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ
Hi Starspirit, I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mother. You mentioned psychotherapy as a suggestion from your doctor. I highly recommend finding professional help; someone to talk to who can give you the tools you need to cope with your depression. You matter! ~Mystrose
From: SuchBlue
Hi Starspirit, welcome back to the forum
Thank you for writing this post. I’m very sorry to hear that you lost your mother due to cancer. Health is the most important thing in one’s life and it’s very sad when somebody loses it, especially your loved ones. The pain that you get when this happens is not one that suddenly disappears, and unfortunately it never fully goes away. That’s okay though, it doesn’t mean that we can’t make ourselves feel better. Take your time, nobody is running after you, and you have no reason to not go for psychotherapy if it will be good for you. I’m sure that the more time passes the better you’ll feel about yourself. You can do this 
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, firstly I am so very sorry for your loss, I cannot image how it feels to lose your Mum on top of everything else. Your replies have been wonderful and I cannot add a lot more to them. The only thing that really came to mind was about the therapy. It can feel worrysome and really quite scarey to enter therapy after years of depression, we are of a similar age and I too have had mental health problems since my late teens. I would consider possibly looking at going to grief councelling to help with the loss of your Mum, it has only been the year and that is not long to grieve, that is also a toe in the water of what therapy is. If that helps you then maybe going in to more intense therapy wouldnt be such a big step? Its just an idea. I do hope that in time life will start to look brighter for you. You are loved and we are always here for you. Lisa x
From: eloquentpetrichor
Hello, Starspirit and welcome back! I know it’s been a long time but I’m sorry about your mom and I’m sorry that her loss still weighs on you so heavily
You say that you are close to giving up but I think you really want to keep fighting because you are here talking to us and I’m so glad you are. I know you feel like it’s too late to get better but it really never hurts to try, right? I’ve been in a similar situation where I just let my problems stagnant without getting help for a long time before I finally started therapy. I didn’t want to talk about it, so I didn’t. Eventually I decided that I did want to get better and I think you might be in a similar place? You do want to get better and you want to get the help you need but you are struggling to actually take that step because you are asking yourself how can you fix 20+ years worth of buildup. The answer is simply that you’ll never know if you don’t try. And I know you said you feel really apathetic about it but I hope that you are able to overcome that enough to try. And I hope that it ends up helping you a lot.
Good luck and please update us again sometime so we can know how you are doing with everything.
From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)
Hi Starspirit. I am so sorry you have had such a hard time. The loss of loved one is a terrible thing and it takes a lot of time to come to terms with such a loss, especially if that loved one was a parent. I would definitely agree with your doctor with trying psychotherapy. I think I might really help you in many ways including finding reasons to continue living. Remember it is never too late to get help. I know things seem very hopeless right now but they can get better. You have said you have suffered from depression for a long time. Was it ever properly treated? If not again it is never too late. There is a huga part of life ahead of you and it does not have to be bad, it might be even good. I think getting help is key here. I really hope things will get better for you 
Thank you to everyone that has replied and given advice. It’s almost been a year. My mom passed on 4/10/21. Her birthday was 4/28/44. I’m on meds to help with my depression but I can’t say that things have improved much. I’m stable but not feeling that hopeful of the future. It’s not just the pain of losing my best friend but other things in the past that still cause me pain. Next week I’m having my first visit with my therapist. I’ve already canceled the appointment once because I’m scared of talking about everything that’s wrong with me. I feel that I’m broken with no hope to ever feel contentment with my life. I think this is my last chance to get help.
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