I don’t know what’s wrong with me?

I’m 18 and I don’t know what’s so off with me
I love fitness but it’s like there’s a voice in my head that doesn’t stop telling me to binge or that today will be the last time
I’ll restart tomorrow
I know it’s like a trap I keep placing myself in
And my home life doesn’t help
My grandma is so unpredictable
She goes from crazy yelling and screaming to being sweet
It literally makes me shake and makes me disassociate and depersonalize. I hold myself back so much and I know I have so much potential in me. I just want to move out her house
My moms trying to get back on her feet and I just want a stable home
When I stay at my dads I’m stuck in the basement with my dog and I feel so alone my dads family are rude and I’m so afraid to speak up when they say something shitty. I can’t even stand up other or myself I’m afraid to it’s like the air in my stomach gets sucked out and I can’t catch my breathe and sometimes to make it worse reality simply doesn’t feel real. I think I have ocd my minds always repeating things like songs or like making me say random things in my mind, weird things like if I don’t do this this will happen or I’ll say in my head off the wall things like someone’s gonna die or I’m gonna die. I just want to be normal. My dog and my mom and music and video games and working out are what I love what keeps me sane, outside of that everyone’s negative or toxic. I hate it. I don’t even have any friends anymore I always say like oh hey we gotta hang soon
Then I either binge and look like shit and wanna detox before seeing said friend or I just sit in self pity and think like oh they don’t care this and that. I just as pitiful as it may sound I just want someone to hug me to let me let it all out and make some clarity of this all, because honestly I’m petrified of the future

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So, the first thing you should know is that you are absolutely loved and cared for by everyone here in this group; we all love you and want the best for you. The second thing is that you aren’t weird or crazy to feel this way, your emotional and physical reactions to your home life are completely normal and valid and I’m sorry to hear everything you’re going through. I’m 18 myself and just moved out of my parents house a few months ago for a lot of the same reasons you just said, so I know what it’s like to just feel trapped and unable to speak up for yourself because that was also my life. The good news is that life definitely gets better past your adolescence; hang in there. I’d encourage you to pray for patience and courage to hang out with your friends even if you’re not happy with yourself, cause even though you’re not perfect like that rest of us you still deserve friends. Hang in there friend, I’m here for you.

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Heyo… I just wrote a post about this inner critic you seem to struggle with, so I’ll just leave a link here, and hope you will read it. :wink:
And on the fitness and binging… I feel (just my opinion, I don’t know you so can’t really judge you or advise you, but I will still try to help) like you are running away from something doing both; it seems to me they have the same cause, the same reason. If you can find that reason and deal with it, both might turn to a more healthy lifestyle. :slight_smile:
Hope this helps.

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy

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Thanks bro! I’m so sorry I just saw my replies
I love you all I’ve been trying to pray lately it helps it relent does
How are you? I just seen your recent?

Thank you! Will read it now
Just seen this reply :two_hearts:

I just finished that
I love Jordan Peterson
Now I remember all that I read but it’s in his voice :laughing: even saved a quote to my notes
“On your worst days, aim for a stalemate. Because you are in control of this game. o you do those damn dishes. You put those filthy clothes in the wash. You put those damn books on the shelf. And then you go do something that makes you a little happier. And with that, you’ll find your way“