Hey Everyone, my name is Leland and I’m a recent college graduate living in Chicago.
Long story short, I’m dealing with an immense amount of depression and I’m a bit embarrassed to say borderline suicidal thoughts. I think a lot of these feelings have stemmed from multiple things but I feel like they really come down to a handful of events.
I unfortunately was really hurt by the church and I’m trying to remain a Christian, praying, and giving it all I got but the depression and sadness feels a bit overbearing.
On the other end of the spectrum I’m a full time live events worker working in the audio production side of things. This requires a lot of my time and create a really hectic schedule that I feel has isolated me from a lot of life giving things (seeing friends, traveling, eating out, etc) I’d leave the industry, but I’m not too sure what I’d do or where I’d go. I don’t like living in Chicago, but it sure is a great place for working events. I think deep down I wish I could be playing music on stage for a living instead of mixing it for others.
There’s so so much to write, and I’m not trying to rant or take up too much of anyone’s time, but really I’m just here to kind of admit to myself and to at least someone that I need help and that I can’t keep keeping these feelings inside. I’m not sure if anyone else is like me here, but it’s been the hardest thing in the world to trust others and be open and honest with how I feel.
Right now I just really don’t like my life, and I’m quite angry with others for causing me pain, and quite embarrassed that I feel this way and that I’m even having thoughts about not being around anymore.
I know a lot of this probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and I should probably add more details for context, but if anyone has read all of this, I just truly want to say a big Thank You. I’m pretty new to this whole opening up thing and I just don’t know what to do and I just need some help if that makes sense.
I’m just not sure what to do and I want to feel happiness again and I want to still believe in Jesus.
Hey,
Please don’t feel embarrassed. I know how hard it is opening up and making yourself seem vunerable to people but it’s a huge step in the right direction, so well done!
It sounds like you have so much going on right now, I’m not surprised you’re feeling depressed and burnt out if you’re having no time to do things for you. Please try to find time for self care, even if it’s just small time frames.
You matter
Let me reassure you, we are HAPPY to listen to you, please don’t ever feel as if you need to apologize for talking to us. We are here for YOU! It is super hard to trust others, and hard to be honest about how you feel. You’ve done both those things here, and I am very proud of you for doing those things!
It sounds like you’re doing a lot of work on figuring out your values, and what’s best for you, and that too can be scary. We’re here to listen and support you however we can! Do you have time to take a few minutes every day to just breathe? Just enjoy a cup of tea or juice or whatever, no other distraction? Or just a moment to connect with your faith, just opening your heart and letting yourself connect? Even if it is while you shower or eat, try to find those tiny moments in the day when you can feel happiness. And if any sad and angry thoughts come, don’t fight them, but also tell them that this is a new happy moment. Let us know how things progress!
thank you for opening up and sharing this. I know how hard this can be, telling others is a huge first step. You can be proud of yourself for being brave!
If you feel unhappy in your current situation it might be a good idea to step out of that for a while. Maybe short time frames in the day could already help where you only take care of yourself, writing down what frustrates you or isn’t going well and what solutions might be. Then you can go over that find out what you can and want to change. Talking it through with someone you trust will help.
Especially when it comes to deciding to quit your job and do something completely different, this can be scary for sure. You don’t know how it will turn out. But it might make you hapy, right? So maybe there is the possibility to take a longer time off to try things out and reflect. To bring order to your thoughts and wishes and see how you want to move on. It might not be an either/or decision. Might be able to do part time to also have time for yourself and what is good for your soul.
You are right, this is very complex and it is a journey to find your way to be happy again. But you took the first step and are not alone and we are happy that you are here.
Hey there, Leland. I’m so glad you reached out to us on here, that takes strength.
I’d definitely recommend finding a therapist who can help you through this and teach you how to cope with the thoughts you have. I know it can be scary to do that but it’s definitely important and it gets easier.
I don’t know your full situation but maybe try changing around times you pick up gigs and when you work. I know that working to earn money is very important but not feeling alone and isolated is important as well. Finding the time to do these life giving things is extremely important to your mental health and overall mental wellbeing.
It’s never too late to chase after this dream. Yes, it’s not an easy thing to chase and involves a lot of sacrifice but if it’s something you really want to do, you should chase it because you only get one life to do so. Making a pros and cons list about this dream and goal could be helpful in deciding if it’s something you really want to do.
You don’t ever have to apologize for posting on here or feel like you’re taking up people’s time. Everyone on here wants to help others and takes time out of their day just to support other people. I’m proud of you for admitting that you need help, that’s an extremely hard thing to do but it’s a huge step forward in finding that help you need. Coming on here and posting is a very good first step as well because there’s always people on here who care.
I’m extremely sorry to hear that this happened, especially in the last place it should happen. I’m a Christian as well and I know how hard it can be when someone or something in the church hurts you because it’s happened to me before. I’d recommend finding a church that wants you for who you are and is willing to take you in and have you as their own because they are out there. If you don’t feel ready to go to church, don’t push yourself. You don’t need a physical building to remind you of your faith, and you can even maintain and strengthen your faith from home if that’s what you want. Faith is never easy but it’s always there. Start reading the Bible, even if you’ve read it a million times, maybe you might find some comfort in there if that’s something you want to do.
Never hesistate to reach out on here if you ever need some advice or support, there’s always someone on here that wants to help. You’re loved and valued more than you know and you mean the absolute world to me, friend. Much love.
