Yeah so- it’s about 1:30am right now and I’m feeling pretty bad. I’ve felt bad all day, kind of but nights are the worst.
But to get to the point; I just checked my phone for a second. My friend made indications that he’s losing his fight. That this will be the end for him. Normally I would respond, try to be there for him. But I’m at the end of my own strength. I have been for so long but I always forced myself to get it together. I just can’t even force myself to reply to his messages anymore. I feel so numb and nearly attempted killing myself earlier today. I hate myself for not responding, but I just cannot gather the strength to comfort someone, anyone, right now. And it’s driving me crazy, it’s going against my nature of always helping people.
God, I’m just a huge mess right now. I think I hit a new low after months of emptiness. It has gotten to the point where I just start shaking uncontrollably, every time i try to relax in any way.
I’m so glad you came here when you were feeling so low. It sounds like it was a really hard day to put it lightly. I understand how days can be tolerable but nights are much worse. It makes it hard to ever relax and our thoughts can kind of run rampant so I’m so glad you came here to talk about this.
Know that it is 100% more than okay to take care of yourself and not respond to every single message right away. I know it goes against your nature of always helping and being there for others but it sounds like you are really struggling right now and are in the midst of a lot of hurt. Sometimes when the pain gets so intense we feel nothing and that can be a scary feeling to be so numb yet hurting so deeply. I would encourage you to continue to invest in yourself and your mental health because you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you aren’t well you can’t be there to help others. So continuing to invest in your mental health is so important. Mental health and seeking healing and growth in it is never easy but it is certainly possible! You have been and are so very strong I have no doubts that you will be able to fight this and win. We believe in you my friend.
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