Hey @L.A,
Thank you so much for responding. It’s good to hear from you again. I hope you’re feeling a little bit better since the first time you posted, but overall that you take care of yourself.
It sounds that you really tried a lot of things indeed. I’m sorry that it didn’t produce the results expected though. It can be really hard to find what works for us. As much as we can be diagnosed for x or y things, the way we address those struggles is different from one individual to another.
I hear your frustration about the intensive out patient program. As much as it provides some kind of stability at the moment, it’s not for everyone or in any circumstance. Yet they tend to suggest generic advices and type of support. It’s better than nothing, but sometimes it’s not enough. The good side of that experience though, is to be able to identify things that don’t work. It’s not a big comfort, I know, but still a step further in approaching what could be useful for you or not.
I’ve tried those things too: meditating, journaling, phrases etc. and I can see the point of those tools, but most are not useful for me. I tend to need to personalize the things that I do so it can be more meaningful. For example, meditation as an exercise of sitting down, focusing on our breath in silence is not for me. However, I realized that I have my own ways to “meditate” - aka being focused on the present moment and letting my thoughts wander - when I muster up the courage to have a walk outside in nature, or just to read a book, or even sitting at a window while looking outside and listening to my favorite music. I always thought that healing had to be some kind of work that takes practice, a little bit out of my daily life, but I’ve learned with time that what helps is part of my daily life if I pay enough attention to it. The hardest part being to keep doing things regularly so it has an effect in the long run.
All of this to say… I hear your frustration. As much as I try to give advices sometimes here on this forum, I still don’t like giving or receiving specific advices, as it often becomes almost random and too generic. There’s a part of inner discovery in finding what works for us… And I believe that part of the process is probably the biggest one when it comes to healing, as it allows us to empower ourselves. If you are an intuitive person, you probably can notice easily some kind of inner spark that reveals itself, even just a little bit, when you do something that aligns with who you are. You mentioned your best friends and Thai Kickboxing for example, there’s definitely something to dig there!
As for your medication, I hear you. Finding the right ones is a real journey. Even if you feel like it’s not worth it, it’s important to talk to your psychiatrist about how it affects you (or not). It’s definitely their job to support you through this and help you find a medication that could have a positive impact on your body and your mind. It’s frustrating that’s it’s a “try and see” process though, as it takes time just for one medication to start to be effective… but YOU are worth that process, friend. In times of doubt, maybe try to remind yourself why you agreed to try medications in the first place. Don’t lose sight on what motivated you at first, and overall why you’re taking those steps. There are many, many times and opportunities to get discouraged along the road. But, hey… that’s why we’re here for. Lifting each other up through this crazy thing called life.
I really hope and wish the best for you in times to come. Just a bit of relief, even if it’s only one brick that you’d put off from those walls around you. Your efforts are important, seen, and worth it. Embrace each little step, as much as possible. You’ve accomplished a lot already. I believe in you.