I don’t know what to do. I just want to sleep

For over a year I’ve been really struggling with my depression. I started off in a black pit and now I’m just alone and tired. I’ve tried to kill myself 3 times in the past year. It feels like I have nothing and no one and I don’t want to bother my friends. At least the few I have.

I feel weak because I’m still here. I have to fight the urge to explode with anger and hurt myself. I don’t want to get locked up in a hospital again. nothings worked, I don’t know how to get better.

4 Likes

Hey friend, @L.A. I’m so sorry about what you have been through in the past, I can’t imagine how hard that was. Please know that you’re never alone and you’ll always have a place on this wall to come and say whatever you need to, and we’ll listen. You’re not weak for still being here, being here makes you strong, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Life isn’t easy and every day that you make it through makes you even stronger, even in the darkest moments. You should find a professional to talk to about this, like a counselor or therapist, they can really help you get better and learn how to deal with the things your feeling. I know how hard that can be but I believe in you, and I know how strong you are, you deserve to get help. Hold fast my friend, you mean the absolute world to me.

1 Like

Hey @L.A,

Thank you so much for being here. You know, being alive is not a sign of weakness. It actually takes a lot of strength to keep fighting for your life, for your well-being, especially in this wild world we’re living in. I’m proud of you for being here, and we’re all grateful here for having the chance to learn to know you. Your presence is a blessing, even if it probably doesn’t feel like this for you.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been in so much pain, especially during the last year. Depression is so draining. I hear you my friend. Since I’ve been unemployed and the lockdowns happened, my depression and anxiety worsened. There were times last year when it was hard for me to feel like I had any future. My heart goes out to you. It’s exhausting to feel like we’re constantly walking behind our own shadow, stuck and and alone in an unfriendly place that is our own mind. It’s really hard to envision something different than this whole pit of darkness once we are depressed.

Yet you are here. You reached out in a safe place. You managed to break down this wall of isolation that grow with the lies we tell ourselves: that we’re alone, that we are doomed, that suicide is a real solution. Those thoughts are the reflection of your pain and distress. But how we feel, as valid and real it is, doesn’t always lead us to the truth.

I know we are just a bunch of strangers right here but, I promise, you are not alone. Our stories are different, but many people, including me, can relate to what you shared and connect with you at an emotional level. This battle is hard, friend. Sometimes it feels truly hopeless and we’re at the edge of breaking down. During those moments, it’s important to give ourselves the time we need in order to regain some energy, just to feel stronger so we can grab our weapons again. Depression is a bitch. But it won’t put you down, friend. You can overcome this, with the right amount of support and time.

Just for your friends for example: you’d never bother them because you are struggling. And even if it was the case, heck let’s bother our friends during those times! If there is one situation for which we could bother someone, wouldn’t it be when it feels like we’re thinking about disappearing? I’m sure that, as a friend yourself, you’d like your own friends to reach out to you if they went through the same. Overall it’s okay to talk and open up, especially when we’re about to hurt ourselves. Staying alone, being silent, during these moments, wouldn’t serve you. And somehow you know that, because there’s this part of you that led you here and made you share all of this. Your voice is important, friend. Your life is important. You matter.

I’d like to invite you to share a little more about your own journey, if that’s okay for you. You mentioned being in hospitals before - so I assume you went on therapy too? Would you like sharing with us what didn’t help? It’s time to adjust your path and find new solutions, new ways for you to be supported. You are ot doomed to be stuck. You deserve to be safe. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

Yeah, after I was released I tried an intensive out patient program. I found it to be irritating, no ken wanted to be there, no one contributed, and any suggestion given out was usually the same thing I’ve been told many times before (I.e meditation, journaling, drawing, phrases etc) I tried them all and none worked. I left the program recently and started to see a general practitioner every so often and that’s just talking. I’m not sure anything works, the IOP worsened my mood, the tips and tricks were either ineffective, are pushed onto me by other people which just angered me.

My medication hasn’t really worked, being switched over to a new one right now though. I really don’t see an improvement at all on the medication and I’m at a loss as to what to even say to my psychiatrist. Because at this point I just say I’m fine and I’m not. But I don’t know what else to say or what else to seek out.

I have a really hard time paying attention and get so agitated starting my schoolwork, I’ve been getting a lot of mood swings recently so my anxiety and anger are getting harder for me to control on my own. The only thing which I found helps me is talking to and being close with my best friends and getting out to do Thai Kickboxing. But even then I feel like I’m getting triggered(?) by my environment all the time.

1 Like

Hey @L.A,

Thank you so much for responding. It’s good to hear from you again. I hope you’re feeling a little bit better since the first time you posted, but overall that you take care of yourself.

It sounds that you really tried a lot of things indeed. I’m sorry that it didn’t produce the results expected though. It can be really hard to find what works for us. As much as we can be diagnosed for x or y things, the way we address those struggles is different from one individual to another.

I hear your frustration about the intensive out patient program. As much as it provides some kind of stability at the moment, it’s not for everyone or in any circumstance. Yet they tend to suggest generic advices and type of support. It’s better than nothing, but sometimes it’s not enough. The good side of that experience though, is to be able to identify things that don’t work. It’s not a big comfort, I know, but still a step further in approaching what could be useful for you or not.

I’ve tried those things too: meditating, journaling, phrases etc. and I can see the point of those tools, but most are not useful for me. I tend to need to personalize the things that I do so it can be more meaningful. For example, meditation as an exercise of sitting down, focusing on our breath in silence is not for me. However, I realized that I have my own ways to “meditate” - aka being focused on the present moment and letting my thoughts wander - when I muster up the courage to have a walk outside in nature, or just to read a book, or even sitting at a window while looking outside and listening to my favorite music. I always thought that healing had to be some kind of work that takes practice, a little bit out of my daily life, but I’ve learned with time that what helps is part of my daily life if I pay enough attention to it. The hardest part being to keep doing things regularly so it has an effect in the long run.

All of this to say… I hear your frustration. As much as I try to give advices sometimes here on this forum, I still don’t like giving or receiving specific advices, as it often becomes almost random and too generic. There’s a part of inner discovery in finding what works for us… And I believe that part of the process is probably the biggest one when it comes to healing, as it allows us to empower ourselves. If you are an intuitive person, you probably can notice easily some kind of inner spark that reveals itself, even just a little bit, when you do something that aligns with who you are. You mentioned your best friends and Thai Kickboxing for example, there’s definitely something to dig there!

As for your medication, I hear you. Finding the right ones is a real journey. Even if you feel like it’s not worth it, it’s important to talk to your psychiatrist about how it affects you (or not). It’s definitely their job to support you through this and help you find a medication that could have a positive impact on your body and your mind. It’s frustrating that’s it’s a “try and see” process though, as it takes time just for one medication to start to be effective… but YOU are worth that process, friend. In times of doubt, maybe try to remind yourself why you agreed to try medications in the first place. Don’t lose sight on what motivated you at first, and overall why you’re taking those steps. There are many, many times and opportunities to get discouraged along the road. But, hey… that’s why we’re here for. Lifting each other up through this crazy thing called life.

I really hope and wish the best for you in times to come. Just a bit of relief, even if it’s only one brick that you’d put off from those walls around you. Your efforts are important, seen, and worth it. Embrace each little step, as much as possible. You’ve accomplished a lot already. I believe in you.

Hi @L.A . Trust me, I get feeling like shit and not wanting to bother the people around you. I let myself get so lonely and sad and didn’t tell my two only friends because I didn’t want to worry and bother them. But you know, just bottling everything up and keeping it to ourselves isn’t helping anyone. It’s not helping you. Bother your friends. Because they are your friends and they will want to be there for you and help you instead of watching you explode. It’s okay not to know how to make things better. It’s okay not to be okay. Life holds surprises for all of us. Don’t give up now. Don’t give up on your friends. They’re your friends. They won’t mind you bothering them. You deserve to be heard; everyone does. No one is perfect. No one expects you to magically get better all by yourself. There are people who care about you. Don’t forget that.
Suicide doesn’t take the pain away. It just passes it off to someone else.
Hold on :slight_smile: you are strong.

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.