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I don’t really know how to feel honestly


#1

Lately I’ve been feeling kinda off. My days are full of stuff: I go to university, I work as a freelance model, I work…I don’t really have a lot of free time and it’s been kinda hard getting to know new people.
I constantly argue with my mother because she knows barely anything about me. She still thinks I’m the nice kid nobody loves, alone and uncool. She’s probably right about some of that, I barely have friends, I can’t remember the last time I went out with someone, both friends, or a date. I haven’t dated anyone in a year, maybe more.
I don’t know what my father thinks, we barely even talk. I have a sister, but I never see her as she always works, and when she doesn’t, I do.
Everyone keeps joking about how I almost lost my life in a car accident one year ago. Now they all think I can’t drive a thing, which is wrong because I’m a really skilled driver. I lost a wheel and the car spinned, but for them it was all my fault.
My boss thinks I’m not good at working. I lost my instagram profile and this also could have serious consequences on my model career.
Since then I’ve been feeling alone. I know that internet popularity isn’t everything, but at least it was something. Now I believe everyone just laughs at me and I don’t mean anything to anyone. My birthday is in like three weeks and I can’t even throw a party because who’s gonna show up anyway? I wanted to ask the guy who i shoot with, but I don’t even know if he feels the same way. I look at him as a friend, but I don’t know if I’m just a colleague for him, or more.
No one ever asks me out. All I do is go to uni, study some time, work a lot, shoot photos, and that’s all. I’m always home besides that, playing video games or watching movies. Just like I did when I was a kid, and no one showed up at the only birthday party I tried to set up.
I feel terribly alone, no one wants to have me in their lives. At this point I just feel like nobody cares about me. I’d love to disappear just to see if someone’s gonna care or not.
Everyone at school thinks I’m something like a web star but I’m just a lost boy who has no friends and just wants to fit in. I hust want to have friends again, a girlfriend and live a normal and happy life.
All my schoolmates wish they were me; I wish I wasn’t.


#2

I hear you. I see you. I don’t know you but I care about how you feel. Why, bc I feel that way at times too. But those thoughts are liars. Those thoughts can’t tell you truth. I’m a published author and many people think I have it so good, but depression doesn’t care what u look like, what you have going for you, or who loves you. Depression is an assholee that wants you to believe the worst. I gave mine a name. Her name is Asshole Sally and when she starts throwing lies at me, I try to tell her to screw off. I look for truth. Truth makes her run away. But its so hard bc her lies FEEL so real. I encourage u to find something that is true… The sky is blue… And focus on the truth. Then pick another… Keep doing it until the lies can’t breathe. Above all else, please know u are NOT alone! That is truth!!! Live. Choose the hard thing today and live. Tomorrow you can decide whatever you want, but today, choose to live, please.


#3

@frapioggia You matter and I think you are amazing. The couple of times you have responded to my posts have been helpful and I thank you for that. Is there any way you can create another Instagram account to further your career? At your university are there any groups or organizations to be involved in? They might help with being social. If you feel comfortable I would say go talk the guy you shoot with you never know unless you ask. I wish you all the best.


#4

I don’t want to die, I mean, I’ve split paths with suicide a long time ago. However, sometimes it be like that, and I just cannot get over the fact that I cannot find people to interact with the way I would love to. I have a lot of interests/hobbies, yet there seem to be no one who shares the same interests. I’m really talented and smart, and it’s really hard to always be like that, because people tend to look at me like I’m a sort of genie. I mean, I know I’m smart, but there is definitely a lot of people way smarter than me. I realised this today too, while studying in groups with some other fellas at uni. We were discussing economy, a class which we’ll have exams next week. I’ve never attended a lesson (had to do other work stuff during those times), and also never opened the book. I came into the room completely clueless. They started reading, and they couldn’t understand a thing. Instead, it was me who started teaching them stuff I’ve learned myself two minutes before, just by listening to them reading.

I don’t want to sound cocky, but I think that having both the looks and the brain tightens the size of the ocean you’re fishing in. Maybe I’ll have to find a compromise and look for something whether unattractive but pleasantly interesting, or someone who is attractive but is sometimes clueless.

Anyway, thanks a lot for your answer. Sorry for late reply but I needed to think about it deeply.


#5

Thanks for your appreciation. I haven’t found the time to help people on here lately, I’m always tired and don’t really spend time with my phone that much lately.
I’ve already created another one, I also have the old photos and material so that’s not a problem, however going from 20k+ followers to barely 100 is a little bit of a letdown. I’ve worked so hard for that and it’ll be very hard to get them back.

Unfortunately, universities here are pretty simple. There is not much to do apart from attending classes and studying in the library. I wish there were some clubs, maybe something tied to music or photography, but there is not. The city is pretty (very similar to Paris), but unfortunately there aren’t many activities or places to be seen. I mean, I’m one of those guys who likes to walk a lot, and I’ve already seen everything. I can always find something new to photograph, but it’s hard to find people to do that with.
Also, it might sound I’m shy or maybe introvert, but I’m not. I know how to enjoy my time alone, and sometimes look for it, but I’m one of those people who can speak about anything and still make you laugh. People say that I’m full of positive energy, I’m always calm, joyful and all that stuff, however, it seems like no one wants to spend time with me. Every time I ask someone out, whether it’s a friend or a a classmate or whoever, it’s always a maybe, which turns out to be a no in the end. I’m always alone, I go to restaurants alone, and even if it’s cool the first time, it gets harder when everyone gives you the look like you’re a madman.
The guy is now busy with school stuff and will be free next week. I’ll try to reach out, but I don’t really know honestly. I’m also thinking about asking out a group of people for my birthday, but I don’t have the money to pay the dinner out, and also I don’t want any presents or stuff. Also, I’ve also hated birthday parties since no one showed up at the last one I did (I was 6 years old but you get me).

Thanks for your reply. Sorry for late response but was busy thinking.


#6

I said this, for SO long, even now, I get those thoughts sometimes, but, not so often… The thing that made that change for me was a nightmare that I had… To cut it short, I had followed through with my suicide plan, and I saw the pain that the people I love felt… I woke up crying because I could feel that pain and emotion in myself, even though it wasn’t real. It felt like it was, the pain and regret I felt WAS real.

I feel like I have 3 different versions of myself. The real me here in the community. The person I play at work, and the person I play at home.

People in this community look up to me, they say I inspire them, that I’m strong… I look at pretty much everyone else here and say I wish I had the life they had, I don’t want to be me anymore.
You won’t be rejected here friend. You will be loved an appreciated.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#7

@frapioggia Hold Fast.