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I don’t want to be here right now

I was suicidal late last year. And I’m here again. Today, my reason for staying is my son. I’m about to pick him up from work and get to spend some time with him this weekend. But that’s my reason for living. I can’t bear to think about what it would put him through. BUT I don’t want a crutch. I want to feel like I did earlier this year when I wanted to live because I wanted to live. Now I feel like I’m just holding on, biding my time, waiting for a reason to leave.

The good news is I’m not planning anything right now, not like last year. I’m not into that dark a place, but I’m very worried that I might slip back there. I hate this.

That’s why I’m saying this out loud to real people. It helps to put it out into the world, rather than let it fester inside.

Thank you.

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Hey Toast,
I’m so proud of you for coming to say these things and put it out here instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.
Your son is your preventative, and that shows how much of an awesome parent you are, and even though these times are hard, you’re still able to put his feelings at the forefront of your mind.

I totally get that you feel like you’re just holding on, what has changed from earlier this year to now?
Wanting to live instead of just surviving is such a difficult spot to be in and I understand completely your worries of not wanting to slip backwards. Realising you’re in this place and not wanting to slip further into the spiral is such a positive thing and shows how self aware you are.
Don’t wait for a reason to leave, look at your reasons for staying my friend :heart:

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Hi friend

This is such a brave post. I’m very proud of you for reaching here, and trying to get ahead of it. Honestly, this shows a lot of growth!! And you should know how far you’ve come because you’re able to identify it and you’re taking control.

Have you had time to focus in yourself? Hobbies, self-care? Doing things you love? Finding out what things you love, places that bring you peace and happiness?

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@Toast Hey I’m Lisa and I am so glad you came back to share how you are feeling and I am also really sorry that you are feeling that way.

Thank you for saying it out loud and putting it in to the world because yes its not festering and it also means we can now support you and you now have new friends that you can come to at any time to vent to.

I don’t think your son being your reason to live is a crutch, I think any thing or person or reason that keeps us here or makes us happy is nothing but a blessing and I’m so grateful that you have that.

Can I ask if you are seeing anyone about how you are feeling? I wondered if it was possible for you to seek therapy? to find out why you are feeling the way you are and prevent you reverting back to how you were before. I know that dark place too, its not nice and the fact that you recognize your feelings and that you don’t want to head back there to me is a huge plus towards avoiding it.

Please continue to ask for help, spend as much time with your son as time allows as that is your happy time and be kind to yourself.

Much Love
Lisa :heart:

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hi @Toast ,

want to start this post by saying i love your username/icon (: thank you for being here and not bottling things up for them to explode later on. i’m proud of you for that and hope writing it down helped a bit.

i’ve been in your shoes though, not living for living’s sake but for someone or something else. it’s scary, frustrating, and a bit confusing to go through because then you question how/where to find that motivation again. i personally found it through community service, experiencing the raw beauty of nature, and being proud to play a small part in this universe.

and even if we all play small parts in a big universe, i know that we are a big part in someone else’s world. i hope you do find more passion for living through other thing and i know that you are a big part in your son’s world. thank you for being there for him and sticking around to raise him to be the best version of himself he can be.

i’m glad you aren’t planning anything now but you and i both know the reality that there will be a day in the future that will push you over the edge if you don’t start changing course now on finding new passions for life, whether it be new hobbies, acts of service, planning things to look forward to (< this is what helps me the most), etc… so then when that day comes, you’ll shrug it off and continue living your life the way you want it.

sending you the best of luck in your journey to find your reason to exist as well as the best of luck to your son in his life! you both sound like amazing people and i hope to hear from you soon on how things are going. and please, if you need an outlet to talk through your thoughts or receive support, this heartsupport community will always be here for you. you got this!

love,
twix

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