I don’t want to die

I don’t know how to make the pain stop. I do writing around it everyday, making plans to decrease the risk of relapsing in drugs or self harm, but, it didn’t work tonight. I know it’s a long term healing process, but I need a quick fix. The length of time I’m stuck feeling the emotions is getting longer and the longer they last the more intense they get. I cut again tonight. I get to a point where I diassociate so much that I watch myself cutting and seeing how much it helps, like a movie being played over and over again until I decide to grab the knife and follow through with the urge. Am I ever going to stop? I’ve been let down by so many people in my life. I only really have 3 strong people in my life that I can talk too to help me through the urges… 2 of those being in a time zone 8 hours behind me and the other having to sleep through the afternoon, when I don’t have them and the writing hasn’t worked I get so lost. I don’t know what to do and I don’t wanna die but I feel like I’m running out of options.



I love you.

A lot of this takes a lot of time and it sucks and it’s hard but in the end it’s worth it.

In th beginning stages of me getting through ending my use of self injury I used stuffed animals. A lot. It might sound silly but it helped me.

In the really bad times where I just felt like I had to self harm I could take it out on the stuffed animal and not myself. I would punch it and squeeze it and cry into it.

I know it may seem silly but it’s an option. I think that’s one of the biggest things that helped me get to where I am now.

I know you know that relapse is a part of recovery so I won’t go into that too much. Just remember. It’s all part of recovery.

It’s hard, and it sucks. But you have to keep pushing through. I remember one day I was so upset and done that when I relapsed I did use a knife, and after I told a friend that I felt safe telling.

I’m proud of you for reaching out. I hope I can be of some aid.

Just remember to reach out. There’s a whole army rooting for you.

Love you. You got this. I believe in you.

The sun will rise and we will try again.


Hey Kayla,

I just want you to know that I love you, and even if we fight and disagree often, and we don’t talk, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, and if you ever need anything you know how to get a hold of me!

Recovery is hard, and it freaking sucks. We wake up every day hoping for the urges to be gone, or to be less than what they were yesterday, but some days it just feels like it is getting worse! I know that you are trying, we all know that you are trying, and we believe in you and we love you!

Nate tells me every time we talk: “Recovery is a 2-5 year process with a miracle from God every day.” And I hope that brings you as much comfort as it has to me the last bit. Unfortunately it takes time, and well as you and I both now, relapse is a part of recovery. That doesn’t mean you are a failure, or that you are a terrible person, or anything like that! We believe in you and we love you.

I can say that your relapses don’t define you, and you are not letting us down at all. I have been praying for you, and that I pray that God can heal you, and heal your heart! You are so strong! As you said, you don’t want to die but the pain and relapses and urges are just too much! I love you friend, and I believe in you!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,