I don’t want to gain hope

so… i kind of stopped talking to people a bit ago and was just chilling on my own without worrying about whether somebody hated me or anything and waiting for people to text me back but a few days ago i made some friends on a game and we have been chatting since. they’re all really cool people and it’s fun whenever we talk but i know they’re going to probably be gone in a few days or a week so it doesn’t really matter… yet i don’t want them to go. i know i’m annoying and not fun to be around at all but i just want them to stay… i played with them for four hours in a vc today and it was pretty fun. then i talked with one of them one on one about random stuff for 3 hours. he’s really cool. he’s a 20 yr old communist guy who just knows a bunch of facts about stuff and i find it really interesting and cool and it was fun to speak with him. there’s also a girl named kate who i probably talk to the most out of the people and she’s really cool too. she’s sweet and she’s 17 and we can just fuck around with each other and it’s nice. neither of them are my friends, even though i’d honestly probably consider them to be since my standards are so low now… and i don’t expect them to think of me as anything more than a disposable random they talked to for a bit. but i really don’t want them to go? everyone leaves me or we just stop talking but i really just… i enjoy their company… i don’t want them to go…? it’s stupid… i even fucking thanked the guy i had talked with for 3 hours for just talking to me. that’s how deprived of social interaction i am. i started crying after he hung up because i was just so confused as to how he didn’t hang up way sooner and was happy that i got to talk to somebody and laugh without them just being bored of me (though i assume he was only speaking to me because he was bored and had nothing else to do). but it still meant a lot… and none of them would probably understand that. just little interaction makes me happy… but it also makes me so sad because i know that it doesn’t last. i’ll go back to being alone and rotting and nothing will change. it never does.

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I know this feeling. I do talk to people all day, but I feel like it’s because it’s my job and that’s why I talk with people. I’m married and talk to my husband, but I feel like he’s required to listen. I’m a mom, and I talk to my young son, there I put on a mask to try and protect him so he doesn’t see mom hurting. I know this feeling to well. I don’t know how to fix it for myself but I can say, undeniably, you have worth. You are worth talking to and you are worth being heard. People suck and they are fantastic and sometimes both at the same time. It takes serious guts to engage in conversations with people you just met, let alone converse for hours at a time. Maybe you’ll converse with them again and maybe it was a one off conversation, but you have worth. It’s terrifying to hope again, it’s easier to stay in what you know, hopelessness. But hopelessness won’t help you, it will devour you without a care like an abusive partner. Hope isn’t easy, because people suck and people are amazing, but hope wants to lift you up. Sometimes you might fall a little but you’ll always be above hopelessness, because you have worth with hope.

I’m actually in the same boat trying to hear exactly what I am telling you. I’ve been trying to find reason after reason not to hope, but I’m learning I have worth. That worth means I deserve hope. I’m not naive that it may be painful to hope, but I’m so tired of the hurt I’ve been feeling that I guess I’ll try hope. I hope this helps you feel a bit better. You are not alone and you have worth.

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