So, I guess this is my update.
I don’t want to keep fighting anymore. All I do is hurt the people who say they love me and care about me. I’m so sick of doing that, they don’t deserve it. They deserve my full trust, to be treated right and to be listened too when they try to help me. I thought I was getting to a place where I was able to listen and do the things they suggest to help me, but instead I just sneak around behind their backs, I say horrible things, I push them away.
Everyday I end up losing it. I get so upset and overwhelmed by the smallest thing. Not a single day goes by where I don’t feel like I need to give in to my addiction or die. I thought I was getting better, but I guess not. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m so scared of being left alone, but I’m scared of being vulnerable and letting people in. Everyone always leaves, no one ever sticks around for more than a short period of time. I want to see what life is like without abuse, without constant emotional suffering and addiction… but the desire to just end everything and give up completely is so much stronger. I really don’t know what to do now - things just aren’t looking up and I’m pushing away the people I love. Maybe giving up and taking that overdose is the only answer.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.