So, I guess this is my update.
I don’t want to keep fighting anymore. All I do is hurt the people who say they love me and care about me. I’m so sick of doing that, they don’t deserve it. They deserve my full trust, to be treated right and to be listened too when they try to help me. I thought I was getting to a place where I was able to listen and do the things they suggest to help me, but instead I just sneak around behind their backs, I say horrible things, I push them away.
Everyday I end up losing it. I get so upset and overwhelmed by the smallest thing. Not a single day goes by where I don’t feel like I need to give in to my addiction or die. I thought I was getting better, but I guess not. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m so scared of being left alone, but I’m scared of being vulnerable and letting people in. Everyone always leaves, no one ever sticks around for more than a short period of time. I want to see what life is like without abuse, without constant emotional suffering and addiction… but the desire to just end everything and give up completely is so much stronger. I really don’t know what to do now - things just aren’t looking up and I’m pushing away the people I love. Maybe giving up and taking that overdose is the only answer.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I know how it feels to hurt people you love. I’ve lied to my family, manipulated them, gone behind their backs. It really sucks to know you’ve hurt people. However, there’s always time to make it right, to help heal the wounds. You can’t do that if you aren’t around. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work, but things can get better. I hope you can lift up your situation, and I hope things can be made right with you and your loved ones. It’s okay to be scared of letting people in, there’s nothing wrong with it. I know addiction can be really tough, but it is possible to fight it. I know this probably isn’t that helpful, but I want you to know that it is possible to come back from this. I’ll be praying for you, don’t give up.
@Kayla You matter. I’m sorry that you are going through all this. Think about the people that you have helped on here, you have made a positive impact on those people. I know you feel like giving up but don’t. It will get better. I know it is easier said than done but please keep holding on and keep hanging in there. No matter what please be strong and know that the people here at Heart Support care about you.
I hope the best for you. I know what it feels when it is like pointless. You want all the pain & what happened to go away. It doesn’t.
You just have to bear with it. It sucks.
I’ve been there. I am there. I don’t know much about being addicted or self harming. (There have been times though I’d have money in my hands & thought “I know I don’t smoke anymore…” See I use to snuff out cigarettes on my skin. I haven’t in a long time.
I am pretty sure that as long as I don’t have one that I won’t ever again.)
Be strong. I can’t say it gets easier. Good things are ahead.
