I think that this is going to be a long post, I know that if anyone does read it that they can be boring and too much, so I’m sorry for that. I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’ve tried so hard for so long and the parts of my life that I can remember (which isn’t a lot) non of it feels real.
I think I’ve been struggling for a really long time and lately after trying absolutely everything, I now know there’s no way out and I’m so scared because I’ve always been terrified of dying and getting older and I think that’s before I was scared of missing out on things that happened after I was no longer here and scared of getting older because I was always so behind in life.
These are the things I think I can remember and these are the things a part of me tells myself before the other part calls me a liar:
Biological father was apparently abusive and gay so he left my mum, sister and me, but I was only small so I can’t really remember fully
We then had to go through courts and then visit him but that stopped
My grandad died which left a big impact on my mum
She miscarried which always felt like a big thing to her
This was after she married again with my step dad
Other people died
I was always told that I was different, weird and difficult as a child
I think I was emotional and physically abused when I was younger mainly by my mother but the other part of me says that wasn’t true and that I’m making that up and that I’m lying because I can’t remember and I don’t have any evidence and I know that I never will
I think I was bullied every year in school by some really mean people but then I was the weird kid so I don’t know if I was
But I know that the friend I made one year, left to join another school so I don’t know if it was bad
Then in my early teens the depression started.
I didn’t know what it was at the time because i always did so well in school as I knew it was my only way out and the only thing I had at the time. But that started to make me do badly by the time I was in my late teens. I didn’t know what was happening, I think I’m someways I tried to reach out for help but I was always the good one at school and so much had already gone on with the “bullying” that I was ignored. I was also told that I was doing it for attention and that I was lazy and things like that so maybe I was.
What I didn’t realise then was that I always had coping methods and that was sports and eating except from a really young age the eating was never “healthy or good” and when I got to poorly to play sports and to carry on with any hobbies. My eating got worse because I was the only thing I had in my life and my relationships were all so broken. But because I’d lost other coping means it wasn’t enough so I turned to hurting myself. I hated myself so much because I was failing and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
I hurt my self in a lot more ways than just physically and I still do hurt myself (not as much physically because I was traumatised out of doing so) because I need that kind of pain back as it was my only reminder of the physical pain and my only motivation in life to keep going.
In my mid to late teens and my 2 years of school in my classes I wasn’t able to do my homework compared to before where it would always be done, always be on time, and always done to get the best marks. That was the first sign others saw. It got to the point that my school was in contact with my parents (mum and stepdad) mainly my mum about it.
I know an awful lot went in that I don’t know about because my mum is the kind of person to do that. She took control of everything and my school life was ruined. She constantly came into school to speak with the head of the school in his office.
At this point someone had reported to the school that I was being abused and social services came and asked questions.
I don’t know if I ever was but whatever was said was turned around to be my fault and that I was doing it for attention but why would I ever want attention from people like that and like her.
In the end I had to sit at my home with my family around the table, the social service person at my side and try to talk. I think that did something more to me. It was me and them. I couldn’t do or say anything, it was always turned around because I was difficult and needy and wanted attention. The social service person left and never came back and nothing else was done because everything was fine and again it was only ever me. Never them.
After that I was dragged to children’s mental health teams and the doctors.
At the doctors I was asked to take my jumper off with my parents in the room. They’d told me that I was going because I needed help and I wanted to be fixed because I knew something was wrong. It turns out it wasn’t for that.
They found out that I’d been hurting myself from my sister who at one point accidentally saw my marks when I’d reached up to get something out of the cupboard. And they took me to the doctors and humiliated me. They never once said anything before or after. As when I refused, they got all the confirmation they needed.
After that it was the mental health teams. I think it might have been traumatising but if that wasn’t the right word or I’ve used it too lightly then I’m sorry as I’d never want to invalidate others experiences but I was difficult.
The first time they listened to everything my parents had to say and never talked to me.
As per the theme it wasn’t a very nice process but nothing really happened afterwards.
My mother then sent letter the government and other people asking for help with me as for what happened I don’t know. I was never allowed to.
After school I tried going to college, my health was really bad and getting worse and after more bad things. I was told I wasn’t smart enough to be a student and after a few more weeks of desperation and trying and trying to go to college and get out of bed. It was too much.
My body finally shut down.
A lot more has happened in the few years since but it feels to much to say.
I promise I really tried to get jobs to reach out for help to go to the doctors and to start doing hobbies to get more friends to get my life back together. In the end nothing ever worked.
I had jobs but could never keep them for longer that a few months, I tried to keep them but my body just gave up.
The doctors could never do anything.
I had a group of friends from the few months I was at college but things ended really badly and painfully.
More people died, which I be never truly been able to process.
In the good days between the bad months. I tried to eat well, get my fitness up. Start planning what to do with my life. But it never worked.
The last 2 years since lock down started I tried again.
I made a lot of progress and tried joining online community’s that talk about music and games and I’ve tried to get help again for my mental health and try to find what was going on because I knew there was a lot; depression, anxiety, ocd, bipolar, adhd. To get a diagnosis if anything was different and to get therapy and to find a way out and to get a life.
I knew deep down this was my last push.
I knew that I needed to move out of my parents house in order to get better. I’ve always known this which is why I pushed so hard with school and my education and when that didn’t work it crushed me a little more inside especially since other people my age at at university or have lives and I’m here with nothing.
It’s been a long few months going from the doctors to starting on antidepressants and getting referrals to one place and then another.
Each time I went and spoke to someone, they said they’d help and that I would get an appointment to see a psychologist to get my diagnosis and to find out what was happening. Then nothing and then a referral to another place.
They referred me to a final place, yesterday I had a meeting with them. And lost all hope. I knew that this was my very last option after going through it all and everyone and this was it. What they did offer was a 6/8 course with self help on depression or anxiety.
After all I had to go through and after how “traumatising” it was to re live it all again. That was it.
It won’t do anything and yes I could stick with it and try it out but I’d be in the exact same position as I am now. I’ve taught myself the self help things in order to stay alive.
It feels like with my mental health there’s so much going on that a simple course that targets one thing won’t do anything. Because is more that that. They’re all connected so being taught how to help myself with my depression won’t do anything.
And then after the course is over I have no where else to go to get help.
This is it.
After going through everything that was it.
I don’t want to be here. I haven’t for a long time now.
I have tried so hard. I have tried everything.
The only way I can truly start to get better is to move out, I can’t keep a job. If I try it makes me really really ill. No friends. No education. No more help. No extra money. No government help. Nothing
It’s too much and I think parts of me have gone through too much. I’m growing older which means I can’t keep making excuses, I can’t keep hiding. I have no way out and it’s too much and it’s been that way for a long time.
So I’ve told my full story. This was one of the last things keeping me alive.
The other is that I don’t want my family to be part of my death in anyway because I know they’ll play the victim again and that makes me sick.
I have no way out.
I created a world in my mind when I was little and have lived in it ever since.
But I know that that wasn’t real and it breaks my heart over and over again.
I can’t do this anymore. It’s too much
I have no way out and I’m really scared