Well here I go. I dont open up to people and never have but I feel horrible so I’m making this post. I never really had anything. I never belonged anywhere. I always wondered why no one ever really wanted me around. I was adopted which I didnt really give much thought to until I got older and started to realize things. They never really wanted me. They thought they did but they didnt. I was never accepted by anyone in their family, in any family really. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try I’m just a burden. I’m at the point where I know the only reason anyone does anything for me it’s because they feel bad for me. It really doesnt help. My whole life everyone has treated me like I’m crazy, maybe I am. I mean I am the one sitting here giving up. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel like I was a part of something and at times I did but I think I was just fooling myself. I’m giving up hope that there will ever be a happy ending. A sense of belonging I just dont think will ever be there for me. If I’m gone I wonder how long until everyone forgets I even existed.
Oh man…to feel like something’s just flawed with you from birth…from before you even had choice, and now much more so in the y ears since…like your own family didn’t want you, your adopted family doesn’t want you, you don’t belong anywhere, like there’s nowhere and with no one that you can belong or be accepted…and that it’s not even possible, even if someone understood you, it feels like there isn’t even a chance that you’d ever really belong with them because if they took the time to understand you, it’d just be out of pity…or even if they DID understand you and DIDN’T do it out of pity, you’d in the end burden them so much with your desperate need for human connection that they couldn’t possibly stay…you could think through a million scenarios, and all of them end the same way: being completely and utterly alone, as you feel right in this very moment…
Meanwhile, you’re questioning whether holding onto the hope that things could ever change is even worth it…you can’t envision a single person in your life that would blink twice if you were just one day gone…and so it feels like – what’s the point? why even bother?
I have been in a similar spot in my own life, very different circumstances, but similar feeling – what’s the point of my life? why keep on living? I felt there wasn’t a single person in my life – though I knew many – who actually gave two shits what I was feeling…it felt horrifyingly lonely…I was terrified of going to bed because I’d be alone with my thoughts, so I always tried to listen to some talk show so I could distract myself…my whole day was just trying to distract myself from the emptiness and self-contempt I had inside.
You’re not alone in what you’re going through friend. I’ve been in that same pit too, and I can testify that holding out hope is worth it because in the end I found a place to belong…no it didn’t last forever, but it gave me proof that I could belong…so after that place, I had hope I could find another, and I did, and the cycle repeated…even though it was imperfect, I stopped looking at myself as this permanently flawed creature that didn’t deserve life…I found self-worth (and am still learning it)…but the point is: there is hope for you too. You’re not so especially fucked up that my story can’t offer hope to you, as I thought the same things about myself too. While your story is unique, your struggle is not, and in our mutual struggle, we can find hope in each others’ victories. Why bother? Because you’re worth it.
-Nate
Hey @JustWhyBother, it may not seem like it right now but there is still hope to be found. You matter. Hold fast.