I don't deserve anything

I feel like such an ass. I feel like I have no right to complain about things since things on the outside seem to be going good for me. I know that I have people that care about me, and I am grateful for everything that people in my life do for me. But I’m always asking myself the same question. Why?

I feel like an actor, and I’m tricking people into thinking that I am this great person, but in reality I’m not. Whenever someone says something nice about me I feel guilty, like as if I tricked yet another person. I feel like I’m using everyone that I know. Maybe people know that I don’t deserve good things, but they are nice to me because they feel bad? I get help from people and feel grateful, but also feel ashamed and embarrassed. Like I’m some charity case.

If I was actually worth something I wouldn’t need help. Why can’t I learn to do things on my own? Why does a shitty person like me deserve second chances? I deserve to be kicked out on the streets and forgotten. Why can’t people see that?

3 Likes

hey love,

if you feel bad that you somehow are “tricking people”, chances are you’re not the bad person you think you are. even if it feels that way. we all deserve a little love and support in our lives, you are worthy of it too. i understand the shameful feeling and the embarrassment from getting help or asking for help too, i know what its like. but it is ok to ask for help and is ok to get it. you are worthy of all the love, support and positivity the world can offer. you are loved you just have to let yourself accept that. but more importantly you have to learn how to love yourself. self love is the best love.

lastly i would say to go see a therapist or a support group ? or talk to somebody that you trust and somebody who can help you. now i understand that you feel like you deserve anything but happiness isn’t something you should have to achieve. we all deserve to be happy. you deserve to be happy. but please try to reach out to somebody, you will get comfortable with asking or getting help one day.

i wish you the best stranger <3

3 Likes

Hey @Ahoka,

Thank you so much for being here. :hrtlegolove:

If I was actually worth something I wouldn’t need help.

You know, there is something very sad about our societies nowadays. It’s the myth that we should keep up appearances, perform in many areas at once, have many roles and be good at it… basically being successful without letting anyone see the cracks, and all of this should be the result of our own willingness and individuality. But we’re only humans. We all face moments in our life when we struggle and need help. We all experience pain and sufferings for many different reasons. It is okay to experience that, it is okay to say it, and it is okay to be supported. Actually, a lot of people persevere in dealing with their difficulties by themselves until they don’t have any energy left and are at the end of their rope. I did that for most of my life, and I actually lost a lot of time. We all need each other, especially when life gets difficult. That’s okay. And there’s actually something beautiful in this when we think about it.

Your own worth is not tied to your capacity to deal with your problems by yourself or with the help of others. It is not tied to your amount of struggles either. And it sounds that, right now, you’re very hard on yourself. You probably have your own reasons, but I want you to know that you deserve love, care and good things like anyone else.

It’s really hard to feel like you’re some kind of fraud, like people don’t really see you as you are. Whether because you think you’re hiding your “true self” or because others would be unable to really see you. If you don’t like yourself or don’t believe that you are worthy of love, then it can seem absolutely impossible to believe that people are not loving you out of pity or because they are blinding themselves. I felt that way many times. When being with myself is so awful that when someone says “I love you” I almost want to scream at them: it’s because you don’t see me as I am. It feels like they don’t see the mess and darkness inside of me. And how much all of this is different from the expectations they might have of me. But with the perseverance of some people in my life, through their consistent love and behavior, I’ve started to question the things I learned to believe about myself for so long. And first and foremost, that people who are close to me actually know me, and not the appearance I tried to keep up. It’s actually impressive how our loved ones can really know us because they are not dealing with this veil of lies that we believe about ourselves.

Learning to trust others with yourself is hard. It feels risky, it takes a lot of time and steps, but it’s worth it. Thanks to your vulnerability, you allow others to do life with you, without any filter. What’s embarassing about yourself, friend? What are the things you feel like you’re hiding? What makes you, in your perspective, someone who deserves to be left alone and forgotten?

PS - I want to share some extra-encouragement with you. I was looking back at some videos from HS Youtube channel earlier today, and want to share the following one with you, hoping that it could inspire you as much as it inspires me:

I’m sending hugs your way. And I want to genuinely thank you for sharing those parts of your heart with us. Your vulnerability here is valued, respected and appreciated. You are beautiful as you are. With all your strengths, but also your doubts and fears. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

Hey,
Thank you for your response. I know deep down that I am a decent person that deserves things, but some days are harder than others. Seems as of late, my mental health has been on a steady decline, I make happy things and somehow turn them into sad things. Although I genuinely would like to talk to a therapist, I’ve already tried one and I don’t like how it is virtual. Feels too disconnected, I dunno.
Thanks

Hey @Micro,

Thank you so much. I can relate to a lot of what you said, I want to be easier on myself but damn its hard. I feel like a twisted part of me enjoys being sad, because that’s what I think I deserve I guess. Good things happen to me, then over time the happiness fades and I become like this. I can never stay happy for long, I feel like I just take advantage of everything and everyone. Definitely feels like nobody gets it, but I know that’s irrational. I’ve tried talking to my family about things in the past, but I don’t want to make them sad. Whenever I let my emotional side take over, I beat myself up over it calling myself cringe and pathetic.

I want to find the path to better mental health, but I feel very lost and lonely. I’ve tried many things, I worked out in the summer, I eat healthy, I’ve been learning how to cook, how to play guitar, I stopped playing video games altogether, I quit alcohol, and more. I feel like I’ve tried everything but I’m unfixable. I’ve gone through the thoughts in my head to try and figure out myself. I feel like I know myself better than anyone else could, so how could someone like a therapist tell me something I don’t already know? I’ve heard everything. I’ve watched so many videos and done research on mental health, I know how mental health works. It doesn’t work for me.

2 Likes

This really spoke to me. Up until a few years ago, I was the exact same way. Who am I? I’m no one special, I’m just me. People seem to think I’m someone special, or at least competent, but they’re just setting themselves up for disappointment. My one solace was that the friends I had knew the true, ugly and flawed me and stuck around for some reason.

To this day, “deserve” is a dirty word in my vocabulary. In my mind, I stopped deserving things when I forfeited a full ride scholarship. If having a school waive my tuition entitled me to any privileges, then forfeiting that was to forfeit any privileges and any free rides. I know this is false, flawed logic, but it’s there.

All that being said, I’ve come to recognize that there are some things I just can’t do by myself, and sometimes I do need help. How can you learn to do things on your own without help? If we could do things without help, we wouldn’t need school or training, never mind tutoring or mentorship.

I’ve also come to realize that I don’t need to be good enough for them, I need to be good enough for me. That is WAY harder, but it’s the only way you’ll ever feel adequate. It’s also a completely different frame of mind. I can work the rest of my life curing cancer, hosting Bingo in nursing homes, saving whales, colonizing Mars, or maybe just being perfect in my job, but will it ever be enough? When I stood back to examine that question, I realized that I would NEVER be fulfilled if I derived my fulfillment from the things I did, because there’s an infinite list of things I didn’t do. It’s taken a couple years, but I’m starting to realize that I’m enough for me, and that not doing something for someone isn’t the same as failing at it or letting them down. Elon Musk and SpaceX are getting along just fine without my help.

We can sit here and debate the word “deserve” all day long, but the reality is you get second chances because life keeps going. If you blow your first chance, if you get kicked out in the streets and forgotten, life doesn’t leave you behind.

Let’s start with the worst case: you lose everything and wind up homeless. Time doesn’t stop. Is that just who you are now? Eventually you’re not going to want to be homeless, so you’re going to clean up, try to get a job and maybe a motel room for awhile, and work your way back up. It happens all the time. Somebody will take a chance on hiring you, but by then you’ll have earned that chance, your second chance.

Now a more likely scenario: you blow a big project at work. Should they fire you? Maybe you think so, but what they think is that if they fire you, they’ll have to replace you, and it’ll take at least 6 weeks to get someone up to your level. Besides, you did plenty of stuff right before you “blew” your first chance. It’s much easier to go over what went wrong, use that as a teaching moment, and send you back out there. I’ve made countless mistakes that have created tens of thousands of dollars in wasted material and labor, but I’ve never made the same mistake twice.

All this comes down to a question of identity, a question most people overlook and still others just don’t know the answer to. Who is @Ahoka? What defines you? Are you an actor, an ass, or a charity case? Or are you a person with dreams, ambitions, and goals that are so big they scare you and make you doubt yourself? It took me a long time to figure that one out. I am not an engineer, it’s just what I do to earn a few bucks. I am not a college dropout, that’s just something that happened a long time ago. I am not helpless, I only know what I know, and sometimes I need help from people who know things I don’t. I am not defective, I’m just imperfect in ways other people aren’t. Those same people have told me they’d swap circumstances or abilities with me too. When what we know is all we know, it doesn’t seem that special, it just the way it is.

2 Likes

Hey @SheetMetalHead,

Thanks, I was not expecting so many responses lol. But yeah, a lot of what you said makes sense. It puts a lot into perspective. I’m currently in college and exams are coming up soon. I haven’t been showing up for classes lately and I have assignment I haven’t even started due tonight. So, I guess I do sorta feel like I’m not living up to every else’s “standards” of me. But people don’t know it, I just tell them I’m doing well even though I haven’t been. I always feel like it is a waste of time to talk about myself.

I have a hard time learning how to accept help, but they must see something in me, right? I don’t want to be homeless, or forgotten. I just want these thoughts to go away. I feel like I can never spend any of my time alone anymore, because I get bombarded with such mean things I say to myself.

I just want to be accepted for my true self, but people can’t accept it until they see it right?

2 Likes

You’d be surprised how your true self shines through. Just like you think you may be a good judge of character, other people can pick up on who you really are. They don’t like you for your grades and performance, they like you for you.

Humanizing yourself can also strengthen social bonds. Some of my closest friends now have told me I was unapproachable in high school because I was so “successful.” Meanwhile, I was so profoundly lonely it hurt. Broken, imperfect me is someone that other broken and imperfect people can relate to and bond with. The bonds between people on this forum are formed on brokenness and imperfection.

2 Likes

first off hello and welcome
thank you for sharing your feelings with us

look since i was born and till now that i’m not actually that old i have understood one thing very well : every thing in the universe has a reason most importantly feelings
my own feelings are like this:

  1. the reflection of my inside
  2. the reflection of my outside for me they are the major reason why i feel any thing
    if you are saying that everything outside is great that i barely think it is because i feel you are that busy with blaming yourself that you might have forgotten about world outside idk if i’m wrong or right just guessing
    but if seriously there is nothing outside that needs to be solved it’s about your heart your inside
    you should ask yourself why your self image has become like this ?
    what made you feel this way and what make you feel different and likely better
    no body deserves to be forgotton and kicked off because we are human and we have life like all other creatures so we deserve love and acceptance
    you might not know who you exactly are that nobody knows at begning but step by step you are going to descover it
    NOT KNOWING OF WHO YOU ARE IS NOT ACTING IS THE MATTER OF THE FACT THAT YOU DON’T KNOW BUT YOU ARE GOING TO FIGURE IT OUT
    road of self blaming is long way to nowhere it doesn’t matter how many people love you when you yourself don’t like the person you think you are
    look for the person you love become that person and start by looking in the miror
    you deserve love respect and all the other good things existing in this world even when you are sad confused and scared
    take care of yourself
2 Likes

Hi @A.A,

Definitely some stuff to think about… My family and friends see my life and tell me things like “You must be so happy now because…” and go on to say something about my situation. And I just think to myself Yeah, I should be. I think it is a problem within me. I started feeling this way since Grade 12. Basically, I had some family stuff come up and I wasn’t preforming well in school.

Normally, I was a high 80’s student, and hardly ever missed a day. But with all the drama going on I started skipping school. This was not me at all. I had Chemistry, Physics, Calculus and some photoshopping class. I could NOT afford to skip. It eventually got to the point where I was skipping more than I was actually going to school, and I started failing my classes. My life became invested in Twitch, I stopped talking to all my friends, and even the days I would show up to school I wouldn’t hang out with them at lunch. I was embarrassed.

My math teacher that knew I was normally a smart kid was asking what happened. The principle told me I should be “Medicated” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Needless to say, I just barely passed because I did a summer co-op during the summer of the prior year. Ever since stuff has never felt the same. Maybe a part of me has never gotten over it?

1 Like

Hey @Ahoka,

Thank you for the time you took to reply. I really appreciate it. :hrtlegolove:

I want to be easier on myself but damn its hard.

Indeed, it’s hard to learn to be a little more gentle with ourselves. It’s a foundation we can build progressively, certainly with lots of trials and errors as well, but what an important one. It is worth the effort because you are worth it.

I feel like a twisted part of me enjoys being sad, because that’s what I think I deserve I guess. Good things happen to me, then over time the happiness fades and I become like this. I can never stay happy for long, I feel like I just take advantage of everything and everyone. Definitely feels like nobody gets it, but I know that’s irrational.

I don’t think that’s twisted or irrational at all. Actually I think that what you describe really makes sense. Sadness - and let’s say “darkness” in general - can be attractive, especially if it became your comfort zone, also if you integrated the idea that a part of you is deeply tied to those emotions. If you let go of those moments, those emotions and feelings that feel so familiar, then who would you be?

That’s a question I’ve been asking myself repeatedly while battling with depression, even recently. I know what I’m supposed to do to take care of myself. I am genuinely grateful for the people and things I have in my life. I embrace joyful moments as much as possible. But I keep coming to the point of being awake at night and letting myself drown in what’s often perceived as being “negative” emotions. During those moments, I feel more deeply. Though if there’s something that being depressed made me learn, it’s the incredible subtelties that “sadness” can hold. I have a personal experience of sadness and melancholia that are a lot more in-depth than happiness. Probably because I spent more time feeling the first ones - mostly unintentionally - than the second one.

It really makes sense, Ahoka. And you’re right, believing that this darkness is where you belong can surely impact how much those cycles happen. Also how much you’re willing to dive into it or not. Actually, a lot of our experiences stem out of the incredible amount of beliefs that we have, including about ourselves. If you’re used to think that you don’t deserve good things, then saying “I’m happy to be happy” can sound fake to your ears… but even more to your heart. Those beliefs can be unlearned though, and those cycles can be broken, at your own pace.

I’ve tried talking to my family about things in the past, but I don’t want to make them sad.

I hear you. And that’s very loving of you to care about their well-being. Though the equation is, I believe, a little bit different. The way you expressed that, it feels like you have to chose between reaching out or protecting the people you love. But being sad for someone because they’re going through a rough time is part of love. As human beings, we have a capacity of empathy - and not only sympathy - which is beautiful. On a different note, how someone feels is not your responsability. You can’t prevent someone who loves you to share your pain with you. A good way to challenge that sometimes is to ask yourself: “What if someone I love was in the same situation? What would I like to say to them?”. It helps to see how unfair we can be with ourselves, and just learn to make more and more right decisions for our own well-being.

I want to find the path to better mental health, but I feel very lost and lonely. I’ve tried many things, I worked out in the summer, I eat healthy, I’ve been learning how to cook, how to play guitar, I stopped playing video games altogether, I quit alcohol, and more. I feel like I’ve tried everything but I’m unfixable.

Indeed, that’s a LOT of awesome changes and definitely something you can be proud of. I hope you allowed yourself to take some time to celebrate your efforts. And if you didn’t yet, maybe just to think about it and say to yourself: “I did it”.

I feel like I know myself better than anyone else could, so how could someone like a therapist tell me something I don’t already know?

It’s not just a feeling; you know yourself better than anyone else. You are the first and only expert of your own story and heart, and that is something no one can take away from you. No one is in your shoes, your mind, your body - your experience of being in this world is uniquely yours.

That being said, it doesn’t delete the fact that therapists can be pretty helpful. But you probably know that already: it’s hard to find the right one + the therapy that suits you. We’re lucky enough to live in a time when we have some choice regarding the variety of therapies, which also means that we’re likely to wander a little before we find the one that echoes with our heart at the moment. Your past experience with a therapist for example is not wasted. You can learn from it as it can help you to identify what you DON’T want from a therapist/therapy.

I don’t know if this image will speak to you at all, but I personally like to keep it simple and see it as a meeting with another human being. The only difference is that this person is trained to feed our conversations while following my own pace. They are supposed to meet us where we are when we see them, and not to push us one way or another. In other words, it’s not a fight where someone has to be right or wrong, only a place of learning and reflections. As for any meeting with someone else, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Though I believe a good therapist is not here to tell you who you are, but to help you find your own answers in yourself. It comes through sudden revelations that you can have at 2am without expecting it, but also through a lot of seasons when it feels like you’re going nowhere. At least, that’s my view on therapy - and honestly, I relate a lot to what you said… I’d be very upset if someone starts to “teach” me who I am while I spent a very long time already to understand and better myself… on my own.

I’m not trying to convince you by the way. Just sharing a personal perspective, as I hear that you’d also like to give it a try again. Though this decision is entirely yours. It’s already good to think about it. In any case, your concerns and your view are absolutely valid. I’d say… dare to be curious and to challenge those beliefs whenever you feel ready. Stepping out of our comfort zone is often worth it. And if not… well, know that you always have a safety net here in this community. :wink: :hrtlovefist:

3 Likes

Hey @Micro,

I really have to thank you so much for everything you have been saying and being a part of this community, I really think it is a very honorable thing that you, and everyone else, is doing. How am I just finding out about this website now?

Damn. Yeah. This really makes me think about how much different things would be if I saw someone else going through what I am going through. Actually, a lot of friends and family of mine are very open about their feelings, specifically to me. Usually I’m the one reassuring everyone else that things will be okay. My grandma, for example, told me about something she did in the past that she felt extremely guilty about. The only other person she told was her mother, many, many years ago. People ask me for advice all the time, and come to me when they are sad. I already know, they would be so surprised if they found out I have been depressed/sad.

Sometimes the world feels like there are so many problems to be solved, if I spare people from my problems, I will have more time to help others with theirs.

I try to not be a judge mental person, I’m the only person in the family that gets along with everyone. I steer clear from conflict, and people tell me its a good thing. I am always in the middle of drama. People wanting me to take sides, but I never do. Sometimes I feel like a puzzle piece that just doesn’t quite fit anywhere.

Something that I remember from therapy, is that whenever I was talking to her I never had anything to say. I didn’t have words to describe my feelings. I didn’t know what I felt. I have been re-reading what I’ve been writing down, and it feels accurate. In therapy, when I’m on the spot, I draw a blank. At least here I can write how I think, proof-read it, and then send it. When I was with my therapist I was constantly contradicting myself, and honestly she was probably confused.

Maybe I’m going off topic or dragging this on, but I just want to keep responding to everyone because it feels good to tell people my thought process and feelings. It is something I rarely do.

3 Likes

hello again dear
i can get it 100 percent …
education is not an issue the extra pressure is …
you shouldn’t be told how to feel i mean this is something nobody has control on
you just need a break for yourself just some time to understand what’s going on and what is your own purpose which makes you happy uncoditionally
thank you for talking about it you are brave already and you just need to reach your own peak
take care

2 Likes

Actually, a lot of friends and family of mine are very open about their feelings, specifically to me. Usually I’m the one reassuring everyone else that things will be okay.People ask me for advice all the time, and come to me when they are sad. I already know, they would be so surprised if they found out I have been depressed/sad.

Oof, I feel like you just described me, especially when I was your age. Some events in my life forced me to change that a little but I grew up being what I called at the time (ironically) an “emotional sponge”. I’d know deep secrets from everyone in my family and friends but was never asked how I was doing. And I was okay with that. It felt for a long time that it was my way to exist - and somehow to justify my existence.

I am VERY grateful for the trust that people in my life tend to give me. But at the same time, there’s a moment when it hurts to see this gap between who I am and what they perceive of me. Just like you, I know it would be a shock if they were aware of how it is in my head - which is the first reason why, for me personally, seeing a therapist this year has been helpful. I can learn to be me, without any filter, in a neutral place. Not instantly of course… there’s a LOT of barriers. But just to be more honest and open about what’s going on in my mind and how I truly feel when I’m with myself. It takes time for sure, and there’s a part of risk in doing this. It raises many questions like: “Is it okay to say that? Are they going to see me differently? What if they judge me?”.

I think it’s a great quality and strength that you have here. Being reassuring, listening, understanding. This world needs more love and compassion. Though helpers need help too. And they exist beyond their caring identity. You exist beyond your identity of listener.

Sometimes the world feels like there are so many problems to be solved, if I spare people from my problems, I will have more time to help others with theirs.

Oh our world is messy, indeed. There’s a lot of pain, injustice, hurt. In other words, a lot of actions are needed to make this world a better place. But if we want to be there for others, then the revolution has to begin within us. The problem when you push your problems away and compartmentalize things as you describe, it’s that you make steps towards a burn-out sooner or later, which can create a lot of anger and resentment.

Actually, something that a lot of people often underestimate (and I include myself in this) is the fact that giving space to ourselves/taking care of ourselves is a way to respect and support others. If you’re not okay, if you’re overwhelmed, if you’re overly depressed or anxious, then you won’t really be present for others. Another negative effect is when helping others becomes more an excuse to run away from your own struggles. That way, people are used - indirectly of course, but there’s still a risk to hijack your main purpose and the fact that you genuinely care.

This world was here before us and it will keep existing after us. There was and there will still be a lot of problems to be solved. On the other hand, our existence is temporary, which makes it particularly fragile and precious. It’s important to use thoughtfully the time that is given to us, which goes along with creating some kind of balance in the way we spend our energy… and our time. Both for the people we love and for ourselves.

I am always in the middle of drama. People wanting me to take sides, but I never do. Sometimes I feel like a puzzle piece that just doesn’t quite fit anywhere.

That truly makes sense. You tend to be a peacemaker, which can make it more difficult to assert your position and your needs - also for people to understand them. While not picking a side or seeking in-depth solutions is a position in itself. Just not the most comfortable one, and probably the more misunderstood in most situations. You’re not just a piece of puzzle. You hold values and beliefs that are not always easy to share.

This reminds me… there’s an exercise here on the Support Wall. A 7 days challenge actually. I think it could be interesting for you to have a look at it whenever you want. I feel like it resonates with your topic and just the conversation that followed:
https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/7-day-value-recognition-challenge/14603

I have been re-reading what I’ve been writing down, and it feels accurate. In therapy, when I’m on the spot, I draw a blank. At least here I can write how I think, proof-read it, and then send it. When I was with my therapist I was constantly contradicting myself, and honestly she was probably confused.

I want to ask: did you feel like you had to perform when you were on therapy? Like you had to say “the right thing”/respond to your therapist expectations - without knowing what it actually was?

Maybe I’m going off topic or dragging this on, but I just want to keep responding to everyone because it feels good to tell people my thought process and feelings. It is something I rarely do.

Then you’re even more welcome to do it here! Don’t worry for being off-topic or anything like that. It’s a conversation with different perspectives, so it’s normal to have ideas and connections that are popping up into your mind.

How am I just finding out about this website now?

PS - Heartsupport is a cross-platform community. If you’re a Twitch user (Twitch) and/or a Discord user (HeartSupport), don’t hesitate to join us there as well! Each platform is more like a community on its own, but some people go across all of those. The streams are a good way to hang out and discuss a bit about everything!

PS² - Oh well, sorry for the long posts. :crazy_face:

2 Likes

Hey @Micro,

Yeah that really sounds nice actually. I would really like to have that, I’ve never actually had that. Whenever I am around people, even if it is family, I am unable to ever become that comfortable. Only online, I guess.

Yeah, that is very true. I really want to get better, I try everything I can think of, except for searching help from others (for the most part). I find after too much time spent on school, I definitely start feeling burnt out. Especially with exams coming up, I am finding it very difficult to study and to work on things. If I really want to be a role model to others, I have to work on myself and do well in school and stuff. But instead, I’ve been losing sleep, hardly eating, maybe its weird but sometimes I find myself just staring out the window too.

Since I first posted to this topic it has been up and down. But it beats the just “down” I was experiencing before if that makes sense.

Yeah I guess I never really thought of it that way, where I am in a position but hard for others to understand. I guess the reason I can get such feelings of loneliness is partly because I tell some people some things, and others the opposite so as not to oppose them. People never see both sides, and it makes it difficult to find what I actually think about certain things. I see opinions destroy friendships, and especially in my case, family.

My family have such a wide range of beliefs, it makes it impossible for them to ever get along because they believe so strongly in them. I see it as childish, and as if taking others opinions so seriously is pointless, so I never engage. Today, I told someone my actual opinion on something. She was trashing my friend and his girlfriend, and I stood up for them. She lost it on me and said some awful things to me then proceeded to block me. Honestly, it felt like a giant weight off my chest, it felt good, actually. I never felt that way from someone disagreeing with me. She is an extremely negative person, why should I have to put up with her anymore? All she ever does is start drama.

Yeah I just checked it out, it seems like something I would like to try. Ironically it was posted on my birthday maybe its a sign lol. Should I post to it there or like write it in a personal journal or something?

Whenever she asked me a question I felt as if I was not answering correctly, or how she wanted me to. I always had short responses and I wanted her guidance constantly. Wait… well yeah I would talk about things I didn’t want to talk about, because for some reason I thought she wanted me to talk about them, and I don’t know why. Also, I remember her telling me that she had a lot of clients now and she had a hard time remembering about what we were talking about in previous sessions. So I assumed she was stressed, and I didn’t want to make her feel more stressed so I lied to her and told her I was getting better even though I wasn’t.

She always wanted to do video chat calls, but I never would. So I also felt like I was not meeting her expectations of how someone should be when they are getting therapy or something, I dunno.

Yeah, I actually joined the Discord yesterday and its helped as well. I like the community. And no need to apologize for the long posts I actually genuinely enjoy reading them :slight_smile:.

Something I would like to add is I opened up to a family member about my feelings and they have been supportive. Still don’t feel better all the time, but I have hope now.

2 Likes

Hey @Ahoka, late response here, but I hope you’re doing well. :heart:

Whenever I am around people, even if it is family, I am unable to ever become that comfortable. Only online, I guess.

As the saying goes: never say never. It’s a matter of learning and seeking opportunities, for the most part. Persevering as well. It doesn’t feel natural when you have to learn it as a grown adult and didn’t have the chance to know that earlier in life. But there’s definitely no limit when it’s about learning. You have all the time you need. <3

Especially with exams coming up, I am finding it very difficult to study and to work on things. If I really want to be a role model to others, I have to work on myself and do well in school and stuff. But instead, I’ve been losing sleep, hardly eating, maybe its weird but sometimes I find myself just staring out the window too.

I honestly can’t imagine how it’s been to have school during a pandemic, ugh. I wish you the best for your exams, but even more, I hope you’ll use what you said as a valid reason to take care of yourself, as much as possible. And if sometimes it means staring at the window, then it’s just what you need at the moment, and that’s okay.

People never see both sides, and it makes it difficult to find what I actually think about certain things. I see opinions destroy friendships, and especially in my case, family.

That’s a difficult reality… but the very fact that you’re aware of this is, in my opinion, a real strength. You’re learning from those misunderstandings, from this lack of communication sometimes. Agreeing to disagree is so important! “Be curious, less judgmental”.

Yeah I just checked it out, it seems like something I would like to try. Ironically it was posted on my birthday maybe its a sign lol. Should I post to it there or like write it in a personal journal or something?

That’s totally up to you! (< annoying response :p). If you want to give it a try, then do it in a way that makes you comfortable - it’s all that matters. You can even think about it in two steps: do it in a personal journal at first, then decide whether you want to share it or not. In any case, you’d do it for yourself, first and foremost.

She lost it on me and said some awful things to me then proceeded to block me. Honestly, it felt like a giant weight off my chest, it felt good, actually. I never felt that way from someone disagreeing with me. She is an extremely negative person, why should I have to put up with her anymore? All she ever does is start drama.

100%. Disagreements can be pretty stressful but it sounds that you just handled this situation in a very thoughtful way. It’s good that you got rid of this unnecessary pressure, really. Indeed, it feels good when we raise our voice in moments when it’s necessary.

Something I would like to add is I opened up to a family member about my feelings and they have been supportive. Still don’t feel better all the time, but I have hope now.

Wow. That’s freaking awesome. I’m really glad they’ve been supportive as well! That’s definitely something to celebrate! I hope you’re proud of yourself for this step. It’s an important one. :hrtlegolove: Keep it up, friend.

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.