Im sorry if my thoughts are random or if my grammer is hard to read but i couldn’t hold this in anymore i am an the verge of just letting life go
i’ve had problems for about 3 years with suicidal thoughts self harm depression and anxiety and i can never sleep it is 4:30 am right now but at the same time i can never get out of bed im have no energy
I have recently got some one new in my life it is my boyfriend. There is nothing bad about him but he is completely perfect and doesn’t deserve some one who’s mentality is as fucked up as mine. Around the first month we started dating i told him about my problems and about the self harm. He says he will always be there and he has even promised. He always says nice things. and yes it sounds like i have the dream boyfriend and i do but i dont deserve him at all. Before i dated him i was in a more toxic relationship and now that i am in a good one it seem to good to be true. He promises hes gonna stay with me and i believe him some what cuz he has like me for over 3 years and i get mad at him sometimes but don’t show it because i get mad at the fact that he makes so many promises that he probably wont keep.
I feel so bad that he has to deal with all my shit when he could have some one perfectly normal.
i feel like my mentality is getting worse, my happiness only last for a day or less now. i hate myself for not being able to be happy i feel like its my fault cuz when i am happy i think about how it feels nice but how i can’t be like that all the time and that makes me even more depressed.
I’ve been trying so hard to tell my parents because they still don’t know about anything thats going on or about my self harm but its hard to tell them because i don’t trust them and because they do beleive in god and so do i so im afraid they will think its something they can just pray about and it will go away but i’ve been praying and it hasn’t gone away. it makes me feel even worse the fact that they have not noticed anything different about me or that no one notices im upset or acting different or sad
I dont know what to do anymore i have lost the will to live.
i told myself that after i had broke up with my ex i was gonna kill myself because he was my source of happiness and the only person that seemed to care.
i’ve lost so my people not by choice i know thats how life is but it sucks i have lost everyone i was close with and everyone who helped me either cuz they moved or they just left me and i feel like i will never be the same again and i hate myself cuz i know after everything i’ve been though that i have changed i just don’t know if its for the better cuz i feel more weak and unable to handle my problems
i am such a clingy person and i always want some one with me at all times other wise i feel lonely and i get depressed but i dont want to be clingy i feel to needy.
The only thing stopping me now is my bf and my sister because of how close i am with her. But now my bf isn’t stopping me cuz i dont deserve him anyways i don’t even deserve to be here in the first place im too weak i have to many problems im a burden and too much to handle i don’t deserve a place on this earth if i just keep making mistakes over and over.
I think you do deserve someone like that in your life. I believe you have been blessed with someone who cares and loves you no matter what your going through. That’s huge! I know you struggle with ups and downs and we all make mistakes, but I don’t think that a reason for you to not deserve your boyfriend. You deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. You have a community of people here that love and support you just for being you. I’m sorry that your parents don’t know about your struggles and rejection can be extremely hard. I would tell them when you feel like you are ready to tell them. But you always deserve people that love you. Getting no sleep on top of all this can amplify your feelings, I’ve definitely gone through that myself. It might be good for you to see a doctor to talk about how you can’t sleep and maybe your anxiety. But that’s on your terms when you feel it is time. Thanks for expressing your feelings. We will always be here for you!
Thank you for your response. And i would definitly go talk to some one but i am still young and living with my parents and because my parents are so strict i know it would be impossible to get out of the house. I’ve been wanting to talk to a doctor for years tho. Thank you for your help i appreciate it
How do you think your parents would respond if you told them how you have been feeling, and that you would like to seek help? I think it should be on your terms of when you feel it’s time, but I also think it could potentially bring you some relief to let them know what’s going on. I’m sure they love you unconditionally and would do anything to help you.
I dont know how they would respond i know what my mom thinks about those problems she thinks it’s all in peoples heads and my dad i dont know so it makes me even more nervous to tell them
Well no matter what you won’t be judged here and you will be loved for just the way you are. Everyone deserves to be loved and to live a happy life. I hope expressing yourself here brings you comfort. Rejection can be very difficult to deal with especially from your parents. Hopefully this covid situation will get better soon, so you could seek guidance from maybe a school councilor, or programs that facilitates your needs. I’m sorry to hear that you have been going through this for years and I pray that it gets better for you. Know that you will always have friends here!
Me too and thank you so much 