If there is one thing that is absolutely sure through all of this, it’s that no one in your family of heart would ever want to lose you, whether it’s in your inner circle or beyond. It is impossible for me to wrap my head around this perspective, and it would be such a pure injustice to lose you, not only for what you bring into my life just by being you, but also for all the goodness and the inspiration you create around you. You are a loving, caring person with a beautiful heart. It would be a shame for this world to not count you in anymore. So, when something like this happen, the very first priority and source of relief is that you are safe, and alive. Because it means that healing, recovery, goodness… LIFE can keep happening, and that is all that the people who love you want for you.
This past year has been incredibly tough for you. I’m aware that you had your share of grief, losses, also rollercoasters of emotions regarding the state of our world and the hurdles of daily life. There are times when it feels like whenever we look around us and check on each important area of our life, everything seems stuck, or filled with pain, or even a source of stress. I believe the last two weeks were the logical culmination of a “too much” that you’ve been carrying on your shoulders. Looking after olds ways to cope makes sense in this context. And feeling like every door is closed also makes sense. Although you are here, breathing, alive, and that is the greatest and most powerful gift you could have given to yourself.
@j71s8 said it very well: events like these are processed and received differently from one individual to another. For me personally, and as weird as it sounds, if people around me are struggling, then it motivates me even more to be a pillar of strength and a safe presence for the time needed. I’m pretty sure that’s something you deeply understand and would relate to as well. I wouldn’t say it is necessarily healthy in any given situation, but it also gives me a calm energy that grounds me in my own values and willigness to be a reassuring voice. I don’t panic, I don’t feel distressed, and I’m used to process my emotions on my own, without it interfering with my ability to be there for someone. However, I’m aware that not everyone process situations the same way, and none of these ways are right or wrong in themselves. It’s not your fault either.
Ultimately, we are all human, and sometimes the shock is too high, which means that it involves deep emotions and a time on our own to collect our emotions. When we learn about someone we love who tried to end themselves, we also need to process the perspective that it could have been lethal, and we can’t help but reviewing the story, wondering what we could have done differently. I’ve had to go through that process several times with my own mom, and carried a lot of guilt on my own because of it. It is something I needed to process, something that was between me and myself, which probably made me appear as pretty insensitive and non caring at the time, while I mostly just needed time. It’s hard because sometimes the need to create a distance is like an urge, which can create some misunderstandings too. I do belive though, that right here in this community, you are loved dearly, without a doubt, and so many people genuinely care about you, Kayla. You are family. During the joyful times, but also during the darkest ones. None of what happened changes that.
You have proven to yourself in the past that you could rise up from some very dark places filled with a deep hopelessness. Maybe the support you’ve received before would be a little bit different from now on, or maybe it’s just a matter of time as well before you feel that same level of support again, as said before, just the time needed for everyone to process on their own and make sure their communication won’t be impacted too much by their own emotions. When it’s about supporting someone, we constantly try to adjust the balance between the space that each individual takes. There’s what you feel, also what the person you talk to feels as well, and how both of these experiences can be met for a purpose of growth, support and healing. This is an unexpected, tough situation for the people who love you as well. It’s okay if time is needed on both sides. That doesn’t make you guilty of anything, unlovable, rejected or alone.
I hope with all my heart that communication will happen anytime soon between you and the people you are waiting for, just so expectations can be cleared, and experiences can be shared. In the meantime, I want to encourage you to take care of yourself, as much as possible. I know, for stubborn people like us, self-care is a scary word as it means spending time with ourselves… and by extension with our pain, which can feel like a punishment sometimes. However, there is a lot of growth to find through our own discomfort, as long as it is done little by little, and in a thoughtful way. You deserve to give yourself the love and care you are so willing to always give to others. I’ve been learning on my own to do that, little by little, and I have found myself more and more at peace, stronger and grounded in my desire to overcome my own struggles. Learning to give yourself time and care will help you to build the strongest backbone ever. All the personal growth, healing, care and love possible is genuinely what I wish for you.
You are not alone, Kayla, even if it might feel differently at times. There’s a time to process the shock, and now might be this time for everyone. It will change for something different, progressively, and you will learn to build again this place of safety that you are looking for. It could be different from what you’ve known, but only because life happens and our story changes over time. In a place like HS and with someone like you, I have no doubt that it can only change for something even better and stronger, just because from these experiences, we can learn some lessons and make sure it doesn’t happen again. From our pain, beautiful connections happen too. And once again, you are allowing it to happen by sharing your own vulnerability.
My voice has little weight, but, I’m proud of you, for being here today, for sharing your heart, and I’m grateful for you, because you exist, and because you are you.