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I don't feel supported. [TW: talk of overdose]

This is a very hard topic for me to make, because I love this community so much - it has been a huge part of my life for years now, but I need to be honest.

Last month I relapsed on opiates after almost 3 years of being clean, and the support I got with that was amazing, I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

But for the last 2 weeks, I have been relapsing every few days, until Thursday. On Thursday I overdosed. I wanted to not exist anymore, and I had a box of pills that I’d gotten before, and i just took them… As I started to take them out of the box, I don’t know what it was, but something stopped me from taking enough to kill me, or do any real damage, but I still took almost 3 times the daily limit. (The pills are no longer in the house) Since this happened, I no longer really feel like I have much support. There is one person who has been there with me everyday, and I am so incredibly grateful for her giving me her time - but other people that I’ve told has not shown any support, and instead it feels like I’m being punished for it. This isn’t just 1 person making me feel this way, it’s a handful of people, and I don’t know what do. I love these people so much, but it’s becoming clear that maybe, they can’t or don’t want to support me and that breaks my heart.

I have been back in the pattern of self harming every night in order to help myself get to sleep because my suicidal thoughts have been worse than I can ever remember, and also I guess a way to punish myself. I’m still not able to get any therapy which honestly would be more helpful now than it has been in the past, but it’s just not an option.

I don’t remember the last time I was in a place this dark, and it’s only getting darker. I don’t know if I can get out of it this time, especially if I don’t have the support of my “inner circle” anymore.

It really doesn’t feel like I have anything to live for anymore, the things and people I care most about are just falling apart around me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

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Hey @Kayla
I support you, i love you, i care about you, and you matter to me.
I have attempted poly drug od with opiates, benzos and alcohol before. You are so important, you are worthy of being here and i want you to know that!
There are times in our life that are very difficult when it feels like we are going to sink no matter what, and it seems like you feel like you’re in that position. You say the words “I wanted to not…” What is the difference now than before? It is great that you’re with us. You are worthy of being here, you deserve to be here, and you should be here. you are worthy of life, and life is worthy of you.
One thing i read in here is that you have a stash of pills. The hardest thing is having a stash of pills that you just won’t throw out. I have been there, i have done that, i have the tee-shirt.
I have had times when I’ve had boxes or bottles (depending on how it was dispensed) of pills i needed at one time, but not anymore, so i kept the pills. They kept piling up and at one point without realizing it i had a bed stand that was more of a cabinet full of pills. Some i needed, most i didn’t. But i always thought of the “what if i need it, or what if someday i can’t get them. Or what if this or what if that? Or what if i really really need an extra Xanax today?”
The constant bully under my bed was literally a bunch of boxes of pills i didn’t need which i told my doctor i threw away or had used up but just had extras of from when i needed them.
I had the exact same thing happen to me as you. I got depressed and attempted suicide and no one seemed to listen or care. The one who did was like totally not caring.
I learned later down the road that there’s a lot to attempting an overdose that causes a different reaction in people too which isn’t your fault at all.
For some people they are so immune to other “normalities” of mental health that when someone has an issue with pills it really hurts them because of the fact that they may personally have thought about it themselves, or they may have at one time attempted it. I know i had a long talk with one of my friends who admitted to me years later that he od on his meds on purpose which was why he never showed up to work and we all just thought he overslept. He was the best worker in the store.
I think the point more I’m trying to get at is that, there are so many different responses people give to this that it’s like an oyster’s response to a sand grain. You can shuck oysters for days and find a bunch of beautiful shells and no pearls, then one day you sit down for lunch and find a pearl in your meal.

Self harm is like a self fulfilling prophecy as well as a self-propelled feedback loop. It’s something no one wants to do, but it feels like a release. It’s hard to stop but you know what you have to do Kayla, and that’s continue to give yourself grace and love and tell yourself that you are worthy of the love. One way i used to have a friend abate her self harm was to literally write the word “LOVE” on her arm and start writing names on her arm. She eventually got the word love as a permanent reminder in that place.

I know i didn’t hit on every topic, and probably made a messy post half asleep but, i saw you post and wanted to reply asap and tell you that you are loved by so many people here Kayla. You mean so much! You are so important! We want you here with us!
Hold fast. We believe in you.

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Please Kayla, call or text me if you ever need to talk. I know I’m not the best at being supportive. But I care about you, and I don’t want you to disappear. Please. I care about you.
I’m always just a call away. You matter. You’re important.

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Kayla,
Reading your post touched my heart. I feel similar to you, although it is not drug related. I know how you feel about getting no support. You are not alone. Everyone in my family lives less than a mile from me but they have not communicated with me in 5 years. I was in the hospital with Covid for 10 days and not one single call or text. I understand your heartbreak. Mine is breaking too. It is taking everything I have to stop knocking on the door that will never open to me. Do I think of ending it? Yes, 24/7. If you can find one little spark of hope, you can make it grow.
Carry on, Take it one minute at a time.
Love
Mary

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Dear Kayla,

If there is one thing that is absolutely sure through all of this, it’s that no one in your family of heart would ever want to lose you, whether it’s in your inner circle or beyond. It is impossible for me to wrap my head around this perspective, and it would be such a pure injustice to lose you, not only for what you bring into my life just by being you, but also for all the goodness and the inspiration you create around you. You are a loving, caring person with a beautiful heart. It would be a shame for this world to not count you in anymore. So, when something like this happen, the very first priority and source of relief is that you are safe, and alive. Because it means that healing, recovery, goodness… LIFE can keep happening, and that is all that the people who love you want for you.

This past year has been incredibly tough for you. I’m aware that you had your share of grief, losses, also rollercoasters of emotions regarding the state of our world and the hurdles of daily life. There are times when it feels like whenever we look around us and check on each important area of our life, everything seems stuck, or filled with pain, or even a source of stress. I believe the last two weeks were the logical culmination of a “too much” that you’ve been carrying on your shoulders. Looking after olds ways to cope makes sense in this context. And feeling like every door is closed also makes sense. Although you are here, breathing, alive, and that is the greatest and most powerful gift you could have given to yourself.

@j71s8 said it very well: events like these are processed and received differently from one individual to another. For me personally, and as weird as it sounds, if people around me are struggling, then it motivates me even more to be a pillar of strength and a safe presence for the time needed. I’m pretty sure that’s something you deeply understand and would relate to as well. I wouldn’t say it is necessarily healthy in any given situation, but it also gives me a calm energy that grounds me in my own values and willigness to be a reassuring voice. I don’t panic, I don’t feel distressed, and I’m used to process my emotions on my own, without it interfering with my ability to be there for someone. However, I’m aware that not everyone process situations the same way, and none of these ways are right or wrong in themselves. It’s not your fault either.

Ultimately, we are all human, and sometimes the shock is too high, which means that it involves deep emotions and a time on our own to collect our emotions. When we learn about someone we love who tried to end themselves, we also need to process the perspective that it could have been lethal, and we can’t help but reviewing the story, wondering what we could have done differently. I’ve had to go through that process several times with my own mom, and carried a lot of guilt on my own because of it. It is something I needed to process, something that was between me and myself, which probably made me appear as pretty insensitive and non caring at the time, while I mostly just needed time. It’s hard because sometimes the need to create a distance is like an urge, which can create some misunderstandings too. I do belive though, that right here in this community, you are loved dearly, without a doubt, and so many people genuinely care about you, Kayla. You are family. During the joyful times, but also during the darkest ones. None of what happened changes that.

You have proven to yourself in the past that you could rise up from some very dark places filled with a deep hopelessness. Maybe the support you’ve received before would be a little bit different from now on, or maybe it’s just a matter of time as well before you feel that same level of support again, as said before, just the time needed for everyone to process on their own and make sure their communication won’t be impacted too much by their own emotions. When it’s about supporting someone, we constantly try to adjust the balance between the space that each individual takes. There’s what you feel, also what the person you talk to feels as well, and how both of these experiences can be met for a purpose of growth, support and healing. This is an unexpected, tough situation for the people who love you as well. It’s okay if time is needed on both sides. That doesn’t make you guilty of anything, unlovable, rejected or alone.

I hope with all my heart that communication will happen anytime soon between you and the people you are waiting for, just so expectations can be cleared, and experiences can be shared. In the meantime, I want to encourage you to take care of yourself, as much as possible. I know, for stubborn people like us, self-care is a scary word as it means spending time with ourselves… and by extension with our pain, which can feel like a punishment sometimes. However, there is a lot of growth to find through our own discomfort, as long as it is done little by little, and in a thoughtful way. You deserve to give yourself the love and care you are so willing to always give to others. I’ve been learning on my own to do that, little by little, and I have found myself more and more at peace, stronger and grounded in my desire to overcome my own struggles. Learning to give yourself time and care will help you to build the strongest backbone ever. All the personal growth, healing, care and love possible is genuinely what I wish for you.

You are not alone, Kayla, even if it might feel differently at times. There’s a time to process the shock, and now might be this time for everyone. It will change for something different, progressively, and you will learn to build again this place of safety that you are looking for. It could be different from what you’ve known, but only because life happens and our story changes over time. In a place like HS and with someone like you, I have no doubt that it can only change for something even better and stronger, just because from these experiences, we can learn some lessons and make sure it doesn’t happen again. From our pain, beautiful connections happen too. And once again, you are allowing it to happen by sharing your own vulnerability.

My voice has little weight, but, I’m proud of you, for being here today, for sharing your heart, and I’m grateful for you, because you exist, and because you are you.

:hrtlegolove:

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