I don't have a reason of my own to live and I am tired of waking up in the morning

I am in my mid 30’s I have wanted to kill myself since I was four years old. I also have some failed attempts under my belt. Tomorrow would be my thirteen year anniversary with the love of my life, but a few days before Christmas she told me she had been having an affair with one of her friends. She told me it was just easier with him and to that I can believe it. I have been dealing with severe chronic pain since 2011 and have only got more injuries since then with the final straw happening in 2021 with a job injury that made it so my body just stopped listening to me and my average pain throughout the day being the sensation of being flicked in the nuts while my back was locked and cramping. Sometimes the pain would be worse, and occasionally I would just colipase and vomit. I went to doctors constantly and also saw a psychiatrist and a therapist. Then in 2023 One of my uncles got cancer and my step-father the man who raised med me was diagnosed with ALS. By Easter My Uncle died and by July my step-father died. I stayed by my wife when she got injured and had to change careers and when she lost friends and family and did my best to support her every way I could. I was loyal and faithful. I apologized and admitted my wrongs and faults. I always tried to better myself and be open minded. I love her because for most of our time together she was the only one I felt at peace around and she made me want to do better be better. I fought with my depression and my pride on so many things. I also controlled my jealousy and never tried to control her. I would sacrifice my hobbies and passions when we didn’t have the money so she could keep hers, I would go hungry so she didn’t, when we would argue or disagree I would be respectful and keep my voice down as not to upset her. She just doesn’t love me anymore and that is her right, but without her my life just doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I know my death will cause pain to others but I just don’t have it in me to keep going. I don’t feel like I will ever love someone as much as I love her. When she asked for divorce I filed it, when she asked for space I moved 500 miles away. I let her keep the dogs and cats, and everything in the house. The only thing I asked for was to be bought out of the house my name is on and worked so hard for so I could pay off my debts. She says I am asking for too much. I still love her and want to be with her even though everyone has told she is not worth it. The peace and calm I felt near her made all the pain I felt worth it. Now that she has left me I am tired so damn tired, and I don’t want to go on. At 6’4" and around 300 pounds hanging myself isn’t easy because what I tied off to breaks under my weight. I have tried over dosing but my body keeps going, I tried putting a plastic bag over my head but the bag tore. Hell I even tried bashing my head open but some one walked up on me and stopped because I didn’t want to traumatize them. I want to die so badly but it either doesn’t take or someone stops me. I realize that I am blessed with loving family and friends, and I don’t want to hurt them but I am so far passed my limit I don’t know how I keep going anymore. There is nothing left in the tank. Being a partner and supporting her all these years was what gave me drive to keep going. Now nothing brings me joy. I have tried therapy, medication, meditation, exercise, talking to friends and family, going for drive, old hobbies, tv, and nothing has worked. My life means nothing to me anymore. I feel like a leech to my loved ones and I deserve to die. I can move mountains when it comes to my soon to be ex-wife but when it comes to myself I can’t even get out of bed. Maybe I should just let her keep the house and I will take the 60,000 in debt that way when I kill myself she can be happy. I have tried to move past her I really have.

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I want to welcome you to heart support and to just acknowledge the realness and heaviness that you have been sitting with and sharing here.
Being vulnerable is something that isn’t easy, and it’s something that feels like it’s brought about by the feeling that there is nothing else to do.

I am so sorry that you are going through divorce. Losing someone you loved is an ache and you don’t always have the space and time to mourn. Being hit so hard and sudden with facing the loss of the person you committed your life to, the future you committed your life to and to everything that was built together is devastating.

When I was reading the words you shared here, what really hit me deeply was this strong overwhelming feeling that you could move a mountain for this person. That you would do all and be all for them. I think that’s a beautiful idea, but it also really breaks my heart because when it comes to yourself the idea of moving a mountain is impossible. You feel like you are draining your loved ones, that you’re taking up space in the world around you, basically that your existence is burdensome and undeserved.

I hear you when you say you’ve mediated, been to therapy, medications etc. I hear you because I know that sometimes it’s damn hard and sometimes pain goes beyond that.

If there is anything I can encourage you with I hope that it is that you are worth moving mountains for. The love your family and friends have for you isn’t there because you had to earn it, it is there for the fact that you are someone who is in their life and they find joy in loving you.
You are a joy to love
You deserve to hold that love

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hey friend,

welcome to the forum and thank you for your vulnerability on how your heart is doing. i’m so so thankful you found this forum and can open up about all the things that has weighed heavily on your shoulders for years. it truly is cathartic to let it all out and release it once you hit post. i can feel and understand your frustration as you stood by your wife’s side for similar grief, injuries, and job changes and then to be met with such deep heartbreak. the sacrifices you have made for her have understandably depleted you of strength and power to continue your own journey - you’ve moved for her, filed for divorce, let her keep the pets, given your all for this relationship. you’ve given her everything already - you should not give your life for her now though.

you need to rest your mind and body, reclaim your hobbies, time, and energy again. your life is your own and you only get one. so please stay. take back the power and live for yourself after living for her for so long. it may sound corny but i hope you can feel the urgency in my typed words. with you sharing your history of attempting suicide, please feel this urgency and care from me to you. lean on those family and friends that love you to just give you a day where y’all do something fun or chill. find that meaning again, regardless if you feel like your life currently holds none. what hobbies and passions did you have before you sacrificed them before? i would love to hear more about what brought you joy. i know you’ve tried to re-introduce these things that interested you back into your life with nothing really working. i truly hope you can try new things too to see if they light a new fire in you like volunteering, adopting a dog or cat of your own, etc… you’ve got a heartsupport community lifting you up as well who wants to continue to hear updates from you. you’ll be in my thoughts and i will continue to send you strength.

love,
twix

Hi friend, welcome!
First off, I just want to say your strength and perseverance through these difficult times are incredibly admirable. It speaks to your character how much you have sacrificed to make your wife happy. I think everybody deserves to find someone who gives them the amount of love, patience, and sacrifice you provided your wife. That being said, I believe that even though you may not see it now, there could be someone out there for you who can love you the same way you loved your wife. You deserve to experience the kind of love you have been giving. I think that if you take some time to even invest even half of the love, time, and energy you have invested in your wife, into yourself, I guarantee you will feel more self-confident. I know you have listed out ways that you tried to find a drive again and that they did not work, but you have it in you to keep searching for that drive. Maybe that drive lies in people around you that you have not realized yet. They can be any family or friends who you stated would be devastated at the loss of you. I also think there is a reason that all of the attempts to end your life have not worked. Take it as a sign that you still deserve to be here. You have so much life to live, and I strongly believe it will get better for you. I believe in you and I am rooting for you. I hope you can also find the support in your family and friends who I know would love to help you out and do anything to see you be happy.

  • Star :slight_smile:
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Hey there friend,

Thank you for coming to HS, and thank you for being so open and honest with us. That takes a lot of guts. The strength it takes to talk about your experiences and your feelings is tremendous, and I truly applaud you for that. What you’re going through and what you’ve been through is a mountain in itself. That pain you feel is so real, and every feeling you have is valid. Sometimes life makes no sense at all and can be so unbelievably cruel. I don’t know why, and I don’t know if I ever will.

Losing loved ones, or your life-partner, is devastating. And you’re going through that all at once. I don’t know what that’s like, and I won’t pretend like I know what that’s like at all.

But you are still here. You have overcome that pain and that heartbreak so far. I know you have reached your limit. But I know you’re still here for a reason. There is something beautiful waiting for you. Your family and friends love might be that reason. Please just keep battling. We know it’s so hard, but I promise you it’s worth it. You’re so incredibly strong, and we’re here to help when you might not be able to find the strength. You are loved. You are worthy of a beautiful life. We love you❤️