I don't have power to do anything now

Im just tired. Everything I had is going away. There were only 2 things made me happy back then. Being successful and playing computer games. I don’t have success anymore and playing games doesn’t make me happy anymore.

I am a bad person now. I lost my ability to care about people. I don’t care about anything now. High school ruined me. I have seen so many things in high school. I spent 1 year trying to heal but still fighting since I still have suicidal thoughts sometimes.

I forgot how to laugh. I want to laugh but I can’t. I tried to watch funny videos but I just stare at it. No emotions. I lost my emotions. I want to cry but I can’t.

And now I don’t even have enough power to suicide. Im stuck in this position and I can’t do anything. I can’t heal. I can’t die.

My past wasn’t good either. I got abused by my mother and my teacher. They hit me when I was little but that didn’t do much. The real thing what caused damage was their words. They abused me verbally too much.

Im tired of hearing major depression and OCD every time I go to the doctor. Im tired of everything.

The only thing I know is one tiny rope is holding me back from suiciding. I warned my family and my doctor but nobody seemed to care.

I falied at school, I was smart back then, I was successful. I have no reasons to live now. My fear of hell went away too. So only a tiny rope holds me back.

I hate life even more.

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You’re not a bad person, you’re hurting.
When we hurt, the world shuts down, everything on the outside blurs and fade and the only thing we can focus on is the pain inside.

That pain feels like it’ll live forever, but oftentimes it does not, it eases, it comes in waves, in changes and sometimes it even goes away. Nothing in life stays the same. The pain and hurt you feel now won’t stay the same.

I am so sorry that your past had so many instances of trusted adults being awful to you You did not deserve that. You deserved to be protected and safe.
A lot of people are a bit lost after high school, it’s a big change to go from a highly structured routine with the same group of people you have known for years into a new world that is different, unstructured, new people. It’s a kind of loss.

I’m glad you’re here with us. You are loved and you matter. I would love to hear more about you, and what’s on your mind. Maybe we can help you create a safe, quiet spot to rest and recharge. We can just be here for you, to support you through this.

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Hallos! You may know me from most of the activities from heart support and that may mean you might have known what I’ve been through myself. First of all, all of us here at Heart support care about you. You are loved. Suicidal thoughts and depression
are very hard to overcome but doing good routines and being productive when you feel like you can’t do anything is the best way. When you’re being more productive your mind is clearing and forgetting about the bad times, finding a daily routine
online is a very good idea as it makes you productive. Fighting through feeling like doing nothing maybe though but is a very good way to control depression. When coming to suicidal thoughts it means the mind is clogged up with too much
the best way to unclog the mind is through meditation E.g Headspace or podcasts like the Mindset Mentor by Rob Dial goes through a lot of topics that can help you out : D If you still feel suicidal I highly recommend using the resources that Heartsupport
provide: Heartsupport List of Crisis Lines & MH Services - Google Sheets , Suicidal Thoughts Resources - Google Drive .
You got this! You are loved <3

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From: mictek

I can feel the weight in your words. I cannot imagine the struggle you must be going through friend. I do however know that I belive in you … and I don’t know you personally. You are a beautiful ball of energy that burns bright. You have the capabilities to do anything in your wildest dreams. I’m not certain what type of environments you have been in within your life, but you really are important to this place, and the people here… As we grow older, all the things we have come to enjoy seem to change. That’s not always a bad thing. Change is a part of life, and we all must flow within it. Have you tried to take a moment for yourself lately? Really taken the time to appriciate the good things about yourself? I bet deep down within, there are amazing things you have about yourself to love that you might not even realize yet! Find and search what makes you happy now, then go forward with that in a positive way. Meditate on, and really envision a reality that makes you happy and feel worth living in… Belive in that, and it will come to pass… you can truly do anything you want, you have the power within you! I don’t know if it helps, but I BELIVE IN YOU!! I wish you well in your journey my friend! May the healing light shine within you and heal you back into finding the things that make you happy to be here with us all !! Much love my friend!

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, I hope you are doing better today. I have MDD too and a lot of what you described, I’ve dealt with a lot in my life (I’m 54). I know it’s hard and I’m so sorry that you have to feel this way, it sucks. I know you’re young and you think there there isn’t anything out there for you, but there is. There are a lot of things that you will experience in our life and from experience I know that not all of it will be like this. I hope you believe that. ~Mystrose

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From: Taladien

Hey E_Man

First and foremost, you are not a bad person. No matter what your emotions or mind may be trying to trick you to believe. You are loved, and you matter. If nothing else, please take that message with you. The standards that you hold yourself to of past performances are not a measure of your worth. Nor is it how you currently are feeling. You worth is absolute. It isn’t degraded by how others have treated you. It isn’t degraded by what you are going through.

I am sorry that you have gone through those things in your past, with your family and your teachers. You did not deserve that. You noted that rope that has kept you here. What is the rope? How can we help you in to strengthen that rope, while at the same time, lend you a hand? We are here for you, and with everything in us, want you to be here with us. What ever it is, please let us know. You are loved, and you matter. :hrtlegolove:

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From: Mamadien

I’m glad you are reaching out E-man, please don’t stop reaching out. You are loved and valuable in this community. What I notice is that while you are feeling like you are emotionless, you are still reaching out and helping others here. You give back and you care - we see it. And that is very successful, even if it doesn’t feel like it. This place would not be the same without you here. Know that we are here for you and we love you. Please keep reaching out, it can improve over time and you are so very worth it.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Eman, I know you have been through such a hard time of late and you are finding life so very difficult and I am truly sorry for that. No one every had the right to treat you so poorly. You are still the amazing beautiful human being that you were the day you arrived into the world, its just that you have been dented by others but those dents can be fixed, they can be mended and you too can be mended my friend and not for those who dont think you are good enough because you are but because you deserve to be happy, to regain those emotions that allow you to laugh and smile and feel all those things you cant at present. You do have reasons to live, they are to enjoy a life that was made for you, to move forward and have a future that you dont know yet exists and could be magical. Please get rid of that rope. It is not a way out its just the end and then nothing and you are not nothing, you are everything and you are loved. Lisa. xx

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From: Dr Hogarth

Hi E_Man,

That place of being too empty to feel is one I can relate to. It’s a place that feels endless and hopeless, and you can’t even cry to get any sort of release. I’ve seen that place, and my heart breaks to know that you are there now.

I am so sorry that your family and doctor are not hearing you. That is shocking to me. I may not know you, but I value what you have to contribute and offer to this world. I can only tell you that the darkness can lift; it takes time and work but it’s so possible. You can find the laughter and fun again and you deserve to.

I am really glad you reached out here, if only to know how much people believe you matter. You can do this journey and we’ll be here for you. x

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From: sea__kay

Hey E_Man, I am so sorry you’re having such an incredibly tough time. I’d like to let you know that I hear you and that I see your pain. I wish I could do more for you than that. You’re not a bad person for hurting and shutting down. When we’re in a state of hopelessness and helplessness, it is so draining that there is no energy left for anything else, also not to care for others. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way and this doesn’t make you a bad person. Your emotions will come back as will your ability to care for others. Our bodies come with the ability to heal. It takes time and patience and a willingness to keep trying in order to find what is working for you, because that’s very individual. Just because you haven’t found your path to healing yet, doesn’t mean you’ll never find it. I truly believe in you and your resilience. You’re loved.

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From: Micro

Hey E_Man,

It’s unfair that you have to deal with all of this. I too want you to smile and to laugh again, to enjoy simple things of life and find ways to look forward. All of what you describe is, indeed, the shadow of depression weighing on you. This feeling of being empty, emotionless, not having interest in anything or anyone anymore. This paradox that the possibility of joy seems to have been taken away from you, and it seems completely artificial to keep looking after it. I wish it was so much easier for you, friend.

Feeling like hitting rock bottom and having a hard time to grieve the things that are not appealing to you anymore doesn’t mean that your life would be hopeless. It is a transition. A tough and challenging one, although it is not meant to be a place you would be stuck in for the rest of your life. You are not a bad person for struggling or going through a rough time. I struggle with a depression as well, and so many times it makes me feel like it’s robbed who I am and my ability to be myself. Still I am someone with this depression, with my traumas and ghosts of the past. So are you, friend. You changing and going through good or rough seasons of life doesn’t make you less human, less you, less worthy, less strong or capable.

Keep reaching out when you need. Keep talking to your doctor and parents. Keep connecting with your Action Group and plan some very very small steps to work on with the help of your group. Start little so you can see and embrace a real progress in your life and mental health. You are facing some big walls, but you can learn to overcome them, brick by brick. This community is in this with you. We believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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